Old and New Jokes

one day moshe cohen goes to the rabbi to ask for advice.he says to the rabbirabbi,i feel very unholy


ive been very bad to other people.


moshesays the rabbi (for he knows him well)the torah says to love thy neighbor like you love yourself.


i knowsays moshewhat should i do?


so the rabbi saysgo to you front window and stick out your tongue.


gee,thankssays moshewill that make me holy?


no,says the rabbibut the man opposite your front


window refused to donate tzedakah to the shul

Why was the ladys hair so angry?Because she wouldnt stop teasing it! 😀

Bill was travelling with George Stephanopolous one day when they decided, (for a change?!?!?) to stop at a McDonalds.

Before eating the men went to relieve themselves. At the urinal Bill happened to peek over and noticed that George was pretty endowed. When he inquired about it George said it got so big because he whaps it against the bedpost every night before he goes to sleep.

Bill decided to try it.

When he got home it was late and Hillary was in bed already. Bill put on his p.j.s, walked over to the bed and whapped his wonder wand against the bedpost.

Hillary whispers quietly, George… is that you?

The most important statistic for car manufacturers is autocorrelation.

Q: What goes vroom, screech, vroom, screech, vroom, screech?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

WIFE:


What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?


HUSBAND:


Definitely not!


WIFE:


Why not – dont you like being married?


HUSBAND:


Of course I do.


WIFE:


Then why wouldnt you remarry?


HUSBAND:


Okay, Id get married again.


WIFE:


You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).


HUSBAND:


(makes audible groan).


WIFE:


Would you live in our house?


HUSBAND:


Sure, its a great house.


WIFE:


Would you sleep with her in our bed?


HUSBAND:


Where else would we sleep?


WIFE:


Would you let her drive my car?


HUSBAND:


Probably, it is almost new.


WIFE:


Would you replace my pictures with hers?


HUSBAND:


That would seem like the proper thing to do..


WIFE:


Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND:


No, shes left-handed.

WIFE:


– – silence – –

HUSBAND:


Whooooooooooooooooooops….

A man walked into a lawyers office and inquired about the lawyers rates.

Fifty dollars for three questions, replied the lawyer.

isnt that awfully steep? asked the man.

Yes, the lawyer replied, and what was your third question?

One day a guy walked into a pet store to buy a parrot.

He found one that he liked and went up to the counter to buy it. The store clerk saw which parrot he had picked out and said, That parrot repeats everything he hears.

Thats alright, the man replied.

So the man bought the parrot and left the store.

As he was walking down the street, he saw a cop chasing a robber.

The cop hollered to his partner, Shoot him down, shoot him down!

Then the parrot said, Shoot him down, shoot him down!

They kept walking and found a man who was trying to pry his car off the ground with a crowbar because his wheels had been stolen.

The man said, Pop it up, pop it up!

The parrot said, Pop it up, pop it up!

They kept on walking to a carnival. A guy at a gamestand yelled, Hit a big one, win a prize!

The parrot said, Hit a big one, win a prize!

Then they walked into a church and sat down.

The minister was in the middle of the sermon.

He said, The Lord is above us.

The parrot said, Shoot him down,shoot him down!

The minister said, The devil is below us.

The parrot said, Pop it up, pop it up.

Then the minister got angry and threw a bible at the parrot. The parrot ducked and the bible hit a fat lady behind him.

The parrot said, Hit a big one, win a prize!

Q: How many people with multiple personality disorder does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but theyre really three.

Una noche, una chica tenía invitación para asistir a una fiesta. Le pide permiso a su padre, quién está sentado en el sofá:

Papá, papá, hoy tengo una fiesta ¿me dejas ir?.

¡No!

Pero papá, es la fiesta de mi mejor amiga.

¡No!

Papi, por favor.

Está bien, pero primero, chúpame la pinga.

¡Pero papá, yo soy tu hija!

¡Chúpala!

¡Esto no puede ser papá!

¡Chúpamela!

¡Está bien, todo sea por una fiesta!.

Y en eso se la chupa y finaliza diciendo:

¿Papá, antes de ir te puedo preguntar algo?

Dime, hija.

¿Por qué la verga te sabe a mierda?

¡Ah, es que tu hermano quiso ir al estadio!