Old and New Jokes

Five reasons to believe computers are female:



1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.



2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.



3. The message Bad command or file name is about as informative as, If you dont know why Im mad at you, then Im certainly not going to tell you.



4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.



5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, Stop! Acts 2:38! [Turn from your sin]

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you.

Scripture? replied the burglar, She said she had an axe and two 38s!

Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.

University: ______________________

To: Professor____________________

From:___________________________

I think my grade in your course,___________________, should be changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:



__1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.



__2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.



__3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I wont get into:

______Medical School ______Graduate School

______Dental School ______My Fraternity/Sorority

______The Mickey Mouse Club ______Tri County Tech



__4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in: _______________.



__5. Ill lose my scholarship.



__6. Im on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldnt find a copy of your exam.



__7. I didnt come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the material asked for on the exam.



__8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact.



__9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general principles.



__10. You are prejudiced against:

____Males

____Jews

____Blacks

____Females

____Catholics

____Whites

____Protestants

____Moslems

____Minorities

____Chicanos

____People

____Students



__11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my allowance.



__12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following illness:

____mono

____broken baby finger

____acute alcoholism

____pregnancy

____VD

____fatherhood



__13. You told us to be creative but you didnt tell us exactly how you wanted that done.



__14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.



__15. I dont have a reason; I just want a higher grade.



__16. The lectures were:

____too detailed to pick out important points

____not explained in sufficient detail

____too boring

____all jokes and not enough material

____all of the above



__17. This course was:

____too early, I was not awake.

____at lunchtime, I was hungry

____too late, I was tired



__18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my (book, notes, paper) for this course.



__19. Other__________________________________

A raisin

Why are womens breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time?

Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.

You can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate.
Your carrel is better decorated than your apartment.
You have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to track the progress of your own joke across the Internet.
You are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read.
You have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar.
You rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop.
Everything reminds you of something in your discipline.
You have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event.
You have ever spent more than $50 on photocopying while researching a single paper.
There is a microfilm reader in the library that you consider yours.
You actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche.
You can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the library.
You look forward to summers because youre more productive without the distraction of classes.
You consider all papers to be works in progress.
You find the bibliographies of books more interesting than the actual text.
You have given up trying to keep your books organized and are now just trying to keep them all in the same general area.
You have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation.
You reflexively start analyzing those Greek letters before you realize that its a sorority sweatshirt, not an equation.
You find yourself explaining to children that you are in 20th grade.
You start referring to stories like Snow White et al.
You frequently wonder how long you can live on pasta without getting scurvy.
You look forward to taking some time off to do laundry.
You have more photocopy cards than credit cards.
You wonder if APA style allows you to cite talking to yourself as personal communication.
You are constantly looking for a thesis in novels.
You have difficulty reading anything that doesnt have footnotes.
You understand jokes about Foucoult.
The concept of free time scares you.
You consider caffeine to be a major food group.
Youve ever brought books with you on vacation and actually studied.
Saturday nights spent studying no longer seem weird.
The professor doesnt show up to class and you discuss the readings anyway.
Youve ever travelled across two state lines specifically to go to a library.
You appreciate the fact that you get to choose which twenty hours out of the day you have to work.
You can read course books and cook at the same time.
You schedule events for academic vacations so your friends can come.
You hope it snows during spring break so you can get more studying in.
Youve ever worn out a library card.
You find taking notes in a park relaxing.
You find yourself citing sources in conversation.
Youve ever sent a personal letter with footnotes.

A tourist was introduced to an Indian in New Mexico who was said to have a perfect memory. Skeptical, the tourist asked, What did you have for breakfast on September 10, 1943? The Indian answered, Eggs. The man scoffed, Everyone eats eggs for breakfast. Hes a phony.

Thirteen years later the travelers train stopped again in the small New Mexico town, and he saw the same Indian sitting on the train platform.

The tourist went up and said jovially, How! The Indian answered, Scrambled.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

85. Leave apple cores on his/her bed.

We have enough youth – how about a fountain of smart?