Old and New Jokes

Q. Whats the difference between an elephants fart and a cocktail saloon?

A. Ones a Bar Room and the others a BARRROOOOOOOMMMM!!!!

A huge man married a petite and innocent girl who was a virgin.

He was sexually experienced and suggested having sex doggie style on their wedding night. She didnt know what he was talking about and when he explained it, she flew into a rage and insisted they have sex using the normal position or not at all.

However, after having sex he was unable to withdraw his penis because it was so big and she was so small.

They found themselves in the embarrassing position of having to call an ambulance to take them to the emergency room for help. After hanging up the phone he said, You know, if you had done it the way I wanted you too we could have walked to the emergency room.

Then: Long hair

Now: Longing for hair

Then: The perfect high

Now: The perfect high yield mutual fund

Then: KEG

Now: EKG

Then: Acid rock

Now: Acid reflux

Then: Moving to Calif. because its cool

Now: Moving to Calif. because its warm

Then: Growing pot

Now: Growing pot belly

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

Now: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

Then: Seeds and stems

Now: Roughage

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints

Now: Popping joints

Then: Killer weed

Now: Weedkiller

Then: Hoping for a BMW

Now: Hoping for a BM

Then: The Grateful Dead

Now: Dr. Kevorkian

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint

Now: Receiving a new hip joint

Then: Rolling Stones

Now: Kidney Stones

Then: Being called into the principals office

Now: Calling the principals office

Then: Screw the system

Now: Upgrade the system

Then: Peace sign

Now: Mercedes logo

Then: Parents begging you to get your hair cut

Now: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

Then: Taking acid

Now: Taking antacid

Then: Passing the drivers test

Now: Passing the vision test

Then: Whatever

Now: Depends

Your Momma sooo ugly, when she go to the beach the tide dont come in!

Your Momma so dirty, when she stand next to a building she look like an alley!

Your Momma so poor, she go to Mcdonalds to put a shake on layaway!

Your Momma so dumb, she called information to ask for the number to 911!

Your Momma so fat her belt size says equator.

Q: How many humans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Not sure; I only know it takes only one to press the button which obliterates them all. The problem is estimating how many thousand years will be required to rediscover the technology to manufacture more and replace them.

It was graduation day at UNC, and the professors were giving out the degrees. The crowd started chanting Bubba, Bubba, Bubba!

The president of the University asked, Whos Bubba?



Bubba is a guy whos been at the University for twenty years, and hasnt graduated.



The professor called Bubba up and told him that if he can answer one question, he would graduate. He asked him, What is 4+4?



8, Bubba said.



Boo! the crowd roared. Give him another chance, give him another chance!

Israel knew when to pull out of Jordan.

You might be a redneck if…
Bikers back down from your momma.

(From an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail:)

Mr. Jones related an incident from some time back when IBM Canada Ltd.
of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan. The
company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent
defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time).

The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in
plastic. The accompanying letter said: We dont know why you want
1.5 per cent defective parts, but for your convenience, weve packed
them separately.

A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car. Theyve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator, she cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake.