Old and New Jokes

There was a guy he was at a baseball game….

this man had terrible lepercy and his back was filled with pus and blood and all that…



well the guy beside him kept throwing up…



so the man with the disease said i am sorry i know its me i will go



the man looked at him and said no its not you, you can stay



the man with the disease said ok so he sat back down



later the man threw up again and the man with lepercy said i will go i am sorry



the other manh said no its not you just stay its ok so the man stayed



then like 10 min. the man threw up again and the man with the disease said ok enough i am gonna go now. the other man said no dont go its not you just let me explain…the guy behind my keeps dipping his chips in you back…

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

64. Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.

No mans life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.

On the morning show at WBAM FM in Chicago, IL they play a game for prizes,
usually vacations and such, called Mate Match. The DJs ring someone at
work and ask if they are married or in a serious relationship.

If yes, then this person is asked three very personal questions that vary
from couple to couple and asked for their significant others name and work
phone number.

If the significant other answers correctly then they are winners. This
particular day (December 9th, 1998) it got interesting.

The Show

DJ: Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know Mate Match?

Contestant: (laughing) Yes I do.

DJ: What is your name? First only please.

Contestant: Brian.

DJ: Are you married or what Brian?

Brian: Yes.

DJ: Yes? Does this mean your are married? Or what? Brian?

Brian:(laughing nervously) Yes, I am married.

DJ: Thank you Brian. OK, now, what is your wifes name? First only please,
Brian.

Brian: Sara.

DJ: Is Sara at work, Brian?

Brian: She is gonna kill me.

DJ: Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?

Brian: (laughing) Yes she is.

DJ: All right then, first question: When was the last time you had sex?

Brian: She is gonna kill me.

DJ: Brian! Stay with me here, man.

Brian: About 8 Oclock this morning.

DJ: Atta boy.

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well.

DJ: Number two: How long did it last?

Brian: About 10 minutes.

DJ: Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that
if it there werent a trip at stake.

Brian: Yeah, it would be really nice.

DJ: OK. Final question: Where was it that you had sex at 8 this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) I ummmmm.

DJ: This sounds good, Brian, where was it?

Brian: Not that it was all that great, just that her mom is staying with us
for a couple of weeks, and she was taking a shower at the time.

DJ: Ooooooh, sneaky boy!

Brian: On the kitchen table.

DJ: Not that great? That is more adventurous than the last hundred times
I have done it. Anyway, (to audience) I will put Brian on hold, get
his wifes work number and call her up. You listen to this.

(Advertisements)

DJ: (to audience) Lets call Sara shall we? (touch tones,
ringing)

Clerk: Kinkos.

DJ: Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?

Clerk: This is she.

DJ: Sara, this is Edgar with WBAM. I have been speaking with Brian for a
couple of hours now.

Sara: (laughing) A couple of hours?

DJ: Well, a while anyway. He is also on the line with us. Brian knows not
to give away any answers or you lose, soooooooo, do you know the rules of
Mate Match?

Sara: No.

DJ: Good.

Brian: (laughing)

Sara: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to?

Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly, OK?

Sara: Oh, Brian.

DJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sara, I will now ask you three questions, and if you
answer exactly what Brian has said, then the two of you are off to Orlando,
Florida, at our expense. This does include tickets to Disney World, Sea
World and tickets to see the Orlando Magic play. Get it, Sara? Sara! Get
it? Orlando Magic, they are on strike, Sara, helloooooo anyone home?!

Sara: (laughing hard) Yes, yes.

Brian: (laughing)

DJ: All right, when did you have sex last, Sara?

Sara: Oh God, Brian… this morning before Brian went to work.

DJ: What time?

Sara: About 8 I think.

(sound effect) Ding ding ding

DJ: Very good. Next question: How long did it last?

Sara: 12-15 minutes maybe.

DJ: Hhmmmmm.

Background voice in studio: Thats close enough. I am sure she is trying
not to harm his manhood.

DJ: Well, we will give you that one. Last question: Where did you do it?

Sara: Oh my god, Brian! You did not tell them, did you?!

Brian: Just tell him, honey.

DJ: What is bothering you so much, Sara?

Sara: Well, its just just that my mom is vacationing with us and…

DJ: She saw?!

Sara: Brian?!

Brian: No, no I didnt say that.

DJ: Ease up there, sister. Just messin with your head. Your answer?

Sara: Dear Lord… I cannot believe you told them this.

Brian: Come on, honey, its for a trip to Florida.

DJ: Lets go Sara, we aint got all day. Where did you do it?

Sara: (long pause) In the ass.

(long pause)

DJ: We will be right back.

(Advertisements)

DJ: I am sorry for that, ladies and gentlemen. This is live radio and these
things do happen. Anyway, Brian and Sara are off to lovely Orlando,
Florida.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Oscar!
Oscar who?
Oscar a silly question, get a silly answer!

Algunos ejemplos de emoticons o smileys utilizados para representar a los culos.

O:O Una mujer mostrándose de culo.

O!O Una hombre mostrándose de culo.

(_!_) Un culo normal.

(_._) Un culo plano.

(__!__) Un culo gordo.

(__.__) Un culo gordo y plano.

(!) Un culo apretado.

(_*_) Un culo con hemorroides.

{_!_} Un culo marchito.

(_o_) Un culo muy recorrido.

(_O_) Un culo con mayor kilometraje.

(_zzz_) Un culo cansado.

(_x_) Un culo fruncido.

(_X_) Un culo clausurado.

(_$_) Un culo caro.

(_E=mc²_) Un culo inteligente.

[_T_] Un culo cuadrado.

(_@_) Un ciber culo.

(_?_) Un culo misterioso.

(_#_) Un culo lastimado.

(__) Un culo cerrado.

(_%_) Un culo con forúnculos.

_m_oo_m_ Un tipo espiando estos culos por encima de la pared.

This one is about Santa Singhji… our English lecturer

Santa Singh ji is the English teacher in a school. He is very well renowned, since all his students do very well in exams.
The school is having an inspection and the inspector decided to visit the English class. This is what transpires :

Santa Singh : Bolo bachon GADHA

Students (in chorous) : GADHA

Santa Singh : Bolo bachon GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA

Students (in chorous) : GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA

Santa Singh : Bolo bachon GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MEIN

Students (in chorous) : GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE MEIN

Santa Singh : Bolo bachon GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MEIN AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH

Students (in chorous) : GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MEIN AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH

By this time the inspector is furious. He confronts the principal and shouts at him What is this Santa Singh teaching to students. He is supposed to be taking an English class and what he is saying is GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MEIN AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH.
The principle too is shocked, Santa Singh the famous English teacher doing this. He immediately sends for for Santa Singh.

Principal : Santa singh ji what nonsense are you telling these students, GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MEIN AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH.

Santa Singh : Yes I was telling all this in class, but I was only teaching the students the spellings of ASSASSINATION.

After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didnt want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Arky said to the doctor I may not be the smartest man, but I dont see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help me.

So the couple drove to Missouri to get a second opinion. The doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed they were from Arkansas. This doctor also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both doctors couldnt be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5… at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

Dick Cheney, President Bush and his father are flying on Air Force One. Dick looks at Dubya, chuckles and says, You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy.

Dubya shrugs his shoulders and says, Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy. George Bush Senior says, Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy.

The pilot rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy.

Two kindergarden girls were talking outside: one said, You wont believe what
I saw on the patio yesterday–a condom!

The second girl asked, Whats a patio?