Waiter to customer: Our specialty is snails.

I know. One of them served me the last time I was here!

This guy walked into a bar with a monkey on a string. He sat at the bar, and announced that the monkey is for sale.

The barman relied I dont want any monkey!! They destroy everthing, and they are a nuisnace!

The guy replied But this is a special monkey. It gives a really good blowjob. Look, go in the back and try it out.

After 10 minutes, the barman returns with a broad grin. Man, that monkey is really good!! How much do you want for it? $200 was exchanged.

That evening, the barman returned home to his wife. Hi, dear. I just bought this monkey. I want you to teach it to cook and wash, and then I want you to get the hell out of this house!!!

A dusty cowboy rides up to the saloon on his horse, gets off and ties it to the hitching post, then slaps the dust off his jacket and chaps. He walks around to the back of the horse, puckers up his lips and kisses the horse directly on the asshole. He then walks into the saloon, walks up to the bar and says to the bartender Whiskey!

The bartender pours him a glass of whiskey and says to the cowpoke Say there pardner, I noticed when you got off your horse you went behind it and kissed it right on the asshole. Whyd you do that?

The cowpoke replies Chapped lips.

Chapped lips? asks the bartender, Is that a cure for chapped lips? No says the cowpoke, but it sures hell stops you from lickin em.

Whats brown and sits in the forest?

Winnies Pooh.

Un hombre veía por la ventana a su pequeña hija hacer un hombre de nieve con un amiguito. Divertido por lo que veía, se acercó y escuchó al niño decir: Tengo una idea. Para terminarlo, iré a la cocina por una zanahoria.

Y su hijita respondió, Que sean dos. La segunda puede ser su nariz.

Una tarde de verano, Manolo y Venancio caminaban por la playa, cuando de repente un ave se caga en la cabeza de Manolo.

Venancio, Venancio, ¿qué tengo en la cabeza?, pregunta Manolo.

Caca, le responde aquel.

En un tono más insistente vuelve a preguntar: hombre ¿que qué tengo en la cabeza?

¡Caca, coño!, replica Venancio.

¡No tonto, afuera!, reclama furioso Manolo.

Not only is she a little young, but youre sure that you used to date

her mother.



…You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little

league with her.



…She has a thicker moustache than you.



…When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions.



…You jokingly ask her if she wants to go down to Atlantic City and get married. She then informs you that leaving the state is a violation of her parole.



…Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system.



…You are the first guy that shes gone out with that isnt her cousin.



…At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic.



…She beats up some guy for making fun of your hair cut.



…You wake up the next morning with a wicked hang-over. In the bed next to you is Janet Reno.



…At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house, and her pimp is waiting there with your bill.



…She keeps staring at you all through dinner, then finally asks if you want to meet satan.



…She constantly complains that her cat wont stop laughing at her.



…She informs you that you cant go out again because her spirit guide doesnt like you.



…She informs you that you cant go out again because her boyfriend doesnt like you.

Youve ever referred to someone as my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend.

One day, a little boy, was outside in the backyard stomping on honeybees.

When his father came out and saw what the little boy was doing, he made him stop right away and told the little boy, Thats it for you. No honey for a week.

Well, then the little boy went to the front yard of the house and started stomping on butterflies. When his father saw what Teddy was doing, he made him stop right away and said, Stomping on butterflies is a terrible thing to do. Just for that, no butter for a week.

After that, little boy and his father went into the kitchen and saw the little boys mother stomping on cockroaches.

The little boy turned to his father and said, Should I tell her or should you?

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.

Look, Ill give you $100 if youll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where Im to promise to love, honor and obey and forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever, Id appreciate it if youd just leave that part out. He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the grooms vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:

Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, Yes.

After the wedding, the groom pulled the pastor aside and hissed, I thought we had a deal.

The pastor put the $100 bill into the grooms hand and whispered back, She made me a much better offer.