Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…
Youve ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.

Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other
passengers.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, Shut up,
dammit, all of you shut up!
Whistle the first seven notes of Its a Small World incessantly.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, Got
enough air in there?
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting
off.
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then
act embarrassed when they open up by themselves.
Lean over to another passenger and whisper, Noogie patrol coming!
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to
call you Admiral.
On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until
you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go plink at the bottom.
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, Ive
got new socks on!
When at least eight people have boarded, moan from the back, Oh, not now,
damn, motion sickness!
Meow occasionally.
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Frown and mutter, Gotta go, gotta go, then sigh and say, oops!
Show other passenger a wound and ask if it looks infected.
Holler chutes away! whenever the elevator descends.
Walk on with a cooler that says human head on the side.
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce Youre one of them!
and move to the far corner of the elevator.
Burp and then say mmmm… tasty!
Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers through it.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask Is that your beeper?
Say Ding! at each floor.
Say I wonder what all these do and push the red buttons.
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other
passengers that this is your personal space.
Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, Wanna see wha in muh
mouf?
Announce in a demonic voice, I must find a more suitable host body.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Wear X-ray specs and leer suggestively at other passengers.

You pick up your girfriend on a bike for the prom.

The Roto-Rooter man calls for backup when visiting your house.

A policeman asks for your ID, and you answer, About what?

El indio chico le pregunta al papá indio:

Papá, decirme ¿cómo hacer tú para ponerle nombre a mi hermano mayor?

Bueno, responde el papá indio, cuando nacer tu hermano, lo primero que ver yo al salir de la carpa ser un águila blanca volando, así es que ponerle a tu hermano Aguila Blanca.

¿Y cómo hacerlo con mi hermana? pregunta el indio chico.

Bueno, cuando nacer tu hermana lo primero que ver yo al salir de la carpa ser una flor silvestre, por eso ponerle a tu hermana Flor Silvestre. ¿Pero, porque hacerme estas preguntas Perro Culiando?

Un joven se sube a un tren, y entra en un camarote en el que viajaban un señor con aspecto muy respetable acompañado de su hija de 18 años, y en el asiento de enfrente un cadete.

El joven se sienta junto a la hija y se quedan todos muy callados mientras parte el tren. Más tarde en el viaje, pasan por un túnel y quedan en absoluta oscuridad, cuando se oye un beso seguido por un fuerte golpe.

Al salir del túnel, el cadete tiene un ojo totalmente amoratado.

El padre lo ve y piensa: Seguro que el cadete trató de besar a mi hija, se equivocó, besó al joven de al lado, y éste le propinó tremendo golpe.

La hija lo ve y piensa: Seguro que el joven de mi lado trató de besarme, se equivocó, besó a mi padre y él se confundió y le pego tremendo golpe al cadete.

El cadete, lastimado pero sin animarse a decir nada, piensa: Seguro que el joven trató de besar a la chica, y ella se confundió y me golpeó a mí.

El joven sin expresión en el rostro piensa: En el próximo túnel me vuelvo a besar la mano y le igualo el otro ojo.

Un tipo llega muy borracho a la puerta de su casa y empieza a gritar:

Maríííía, Maríííía

Su esposa se acerca a la ventana y le reclama:

¡Otra vez borracho, es el colmo! ¿Y ahora, qué quieres? ¿Qué te tire la llave?

No, la llave si la tengo, más bien tírame el hueco de la cerradura que no lo encuentro.

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

Just to establish some parameters, said the professor, to the student from Arkansas, What is the opposite of joy?

Sadness, said the student.

And the opposite of depression? he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

Elation, she said.

And you sir, he said to the young man from Texas, How about the opposite of woe?

The Texan replied, Sir, I believe that would be giddy up.

My favorite teacher put-down comment goes back to Samuel Johnson:

Your paper is both interesting and original; however, the original part is not interesting, and the interesting part is not original.

When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts.

In high school, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.

I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

I found an exciting girl, but I couldnt keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.

Now all I want is a girl with large breasts!

A: None. (Thats all right…Ill just sit here in the dark…)