An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation, I now pronounce you man and wife.
You might be a redneck if…someone yells HO-DOWN and your wife hits the floor.
Dos amigas eran tan Ãntimas que se contaban todo lo que hacÃan o dejaban de hacer. Una de ellas se casa y se va de luna de miel. Cuando regresa, la otra le pregunta: Cómo es eso, cuéntame.
La primera vez es horrible, duele como no te imaginas; pero después es riquÃsimo.
Su amiga, intrigada, le pregunta: ¿Como cuanto duele?
Y empieza a mencionarle distintos tipos de dolores: dolor de cabeza, dolor de estómago, dolor de espalda, y a todos la recien casada respondÃa que no.
Finalmente la soltera menciona el dolor de muela, y la amiga dice sÃ, es como el dolor de muela.
¿Por qué como el dolor de muela? pregunta la soltera.
Y la casada le responde: Porque te duele pero no quieres que te la saquen.
Un dÃa, se encuentran Manolo y Venancio en un parque:
Hola, Manolo.
Hola, Venancio.
¿Qué te pasa, hombre, que estás as�
Oh, qué no sabes lo que me ha pasado: mi mujer se ha enfermado de apendicitis y hay que operarla; mi hija se ha roto una pierna al caerse de un árbol, y he visitado al médico y me ha dicho que tengo muy mal los riñones.
¡Hombre, Manolo, que estás mal!
¡Jolines, y lo peor del caso es que me he quedado sin un céntimo!
¿Cómo va a ser, Manolo, un hombre que ahorra tanto como tú?
SÃ, pero has de saber que esos dos millones ahorrados son para una emergencia, ¡hombre!
Entra un tipo a una cantina; se para en medio y grita:
¡Ah cuánto cabrón vino!
En eso se paran dos sujetos enormes y malcarados preguntándole:
¿Qué fue lo que dijo, amigo?
No, nada, este… que ¡ah cuánto cabrón vino, cuánta cabrona cerveza y cuánta cabrona botana! ¡Uy, aquà ya no se puede decir nada, porque de volada lo quieren madrear a uno!
At a radiator shop (A-1 Radiator)
Best Place in Town to take a Leak
Sign over a gynecologists office
Dr. Jones, at your cervix.
On a Plumbers truck:
We repair what your husband tried to fix.
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
Dont sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.
Pizza shop slogan:
7 days without pizza makes one weak.
At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
Invite us to your next blowout
Door of a plastic surgeons office:
Hello. Can we pick your nose or would you rather do it
At a laundry shop: How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot.
Would that be satisfactory?
At a towing company:
We dont charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.
On an electricians truck
Let us remove your shorts.
In a non-smoking area:
If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
On a maternity room door:
Push. Push. Push.
At an optometrists office:
If you dont see what youre looking for, youve come to the right place.
On a taxidermists window:
We really know our stuff.
In a podiatrists office:
Time wounds all heels.
On a fence:
Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.
At a car dealership:
The best way to get back on your feet — miss a car payment.
Outside a muffler shop:
No appointment necessary. Well hear you coming.
In a veterinarians waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
At the electric company:
We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you dont, you will be.
Q. why did michle jackson get food poisoning
A. he ate a 10 yr. old weiner
Whats the chilliest ground in the premiership?
Cold Trafford!
How did the footbal pitch end up as triangle?
Somebody took a corner!
Why didnt the dog want to play football?
It was a boxer!
How do you tell the Polish one at a cockfight?
Hes the one with the duck.
How do you tell the Italian?
Hes the one betting on the duck.
How do you tell if the mafia is there?
The duck wins.
-Ronald Reagan
Upon completeing his examination of his patient, a doctor told him to get dressed. Im afraid your condition is farily poor. The doctor sighed. The best thing for you to do would be to give up liquor, stop smoking, give up all that rich food youve been eating at fancy restaurants, and stop seeing all those young women who keep you out untill all hours.
The patient thought for a momment. Whats the next best thing?