Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…
You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

Whats the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic?

Only 1500 went down on the Titanic.

Whats the new game theyre playing in the White House?

Swallow the Leader.

What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume?

Sat on the Presidential Staff

In a survey of American women, when asked, Would you sleep with President Clinton, 86% replied, Not again

Whats the new press name for the latest Presidential scandal?

Hornigate.

Most people get AIDS from sex;

But President Clinton gets sex from aides.

President Clinton: I didnt say to lie in the deposition!

I said lie in that position!

The price of oil has skyrocketed; rumor has it that the President is drilling in the White House again.

The latest on Zippergate President Clintons name has been recently identified with the UNABANGER.

Did you hear that they renamed one of the offices in the White House as the Oral Office?

There was a loser who couldnt get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date.

The guy said, Its simple. I just say, Im a lawyer.

So, the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning. She said, Oh! Youre a lawyer?

He said, Why yes I am!

She liked the idea and they went to his place. When they were in bed making love, he started to laugh to himself.

When she asked what was so funny, he answered, Well, Ive only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and Im already screwing someone!

Q: Where do you go when your hand falls off?

A: To the second-hand store!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Wannetta!
Wannetta who?
Wannetta time please!

There were three strings that walked into the bar. They sat down and they didnt get waited on so the first string walked up to the bar and asked for three beers. The bartender said, Im sorry buddy we dont serve strings in here. The string walks back to the table and and tells his friends what the bartender said. Ive been here before and gotten a drink, Ill go get us something to drink, said the second string. The second sting walks up to the bar and politely asks the bartender for three beers. The bartender says, I thought I told your buddy we dont serve strings in here. So the second string walks back and and tells his friends what has happened. The thrid string says Oh, I come in here all the time, I know how to order something to drink The third sting walks to the restroom where he ties himself up and muffs up his end. He then walks out to the bar and asks the bartender for three beers. The bartender kind of looks at him weird and says, You a string? Frayed knot, he replies.

First Rule of History: History doesnt repeat itself; historians merely repeat each other.

In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services
when he was approached by the minister. The minister asked the
janitor, Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions
for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and the Widow McGee is
coming. She tends to go on and on but never really does anything
worthy of serious repentance, so when shes done just give her 10 Hail
Marys and Ill be right back.

Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected the Widow
McGee came into the booth and started her confession, Oh Father, I
have truly sinned, I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral
sex.

Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation. Surely
10 Hail Marys would not do. So, in a moment of desperation the
janitor peered his head out of the confessional and asked an altar
boy, Son, what does the minister give for oral sex?

The altar boy said, a Snickers bar and a Coke.

Why old man cant walk?

because he got a walk sick.

A wealthy man goes to his office one morning. When he gets there he realizes
that he has left his wallet at home and there is something important in it
that he needs. He gets on the phone, calls home where the butler answers.

James, I left my wallet in my pants, and I need you to get it for me. There
is an important paper that you can read to me over the phone.

The butler goes upstairs to the bedroom to get the wallet. A few minutes
later he comes back to the phone to tell the man, I am sorry, your wife is
in the bedroom and she does not let me in to get the wallet!

The man tells James, I do not care about that! Tell her you need to get in!
Just get the wallet for me, now!

James goes upstairs again, and returns a minute later, Sir, I could not
find your wallet, but I did discover a man hiding in the room with your
wife!

What? I do not believe this! OK. Listen to me! This is what I want you to
do. Go upstairs and shoot the man and my wife along with him before he gets
away! Hurry, now!

James runs off again. A few minutes later, the man hears shotgun blasts in
the background. James returns to the phone and tells him, OK, I did it.
They are both dead. Now what?

The man replies, Now I want you to take the bodies and dump them in the
swimming pool. I am on my way. I will be there shortly!

What? says James, you do not have a swimming pool!

I am sorry, says the man, wrong number.