A man returns from a trip to Amsterdam and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a series of tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital and the phone by his bed rings.

This is your doctor, says the voice on the phone. We have the results back from your tests, and Im sorry, you have an extremely contagious and deadly sexually transmitted disease known as G.A.S.H.

G.A.S.H? replies the patient. What the hell is that?

Its a combination of gonorrhea, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes, explains the doctor.

My gosh, Doc! screams the man in a panic, what are we going to do?

Well were going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes and pita bread, says the doctor matter-of-factly.

Will that cure me?

Well no, says the doctor, but its the only food that will fit under the door.

Impeach Clinton!
And her husband, too!

IBM: Inmense Ball of Muck

Q: How many gas fitters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three: One to turn up the day before when youre out, one to change the switch, and one to bring along the wrong kind of bulb.

Un hombre entra en una cafeteria, llama al mesero y pide un café toma su café y hasta aquí todo va muy normal, al terminar llama al mesero y le pide la cuenta, el mesero le dice:

Son $510, señor.

Nuestro hombre se levanta lleva su mano al bolsillo y saca un manojo de monedas de $10, y comienza a lanzarlas por todo el establecimiento mientras dice:

$10, $20, $30, $40, $50, $60 …$490, $500, $510… Cóbrese.

Y se va.

Al día siguiente nuestro hombre regresa a la cafeteria y todo ocurre igual, llama al mesero y pide un café, toma su café y hasta aquí todo va muy normal, al terminar llama al mesero y le pide la cuenta, el mesero le dice:

Son $510, señor.

Nuestro hombre se levanta lleva su mano al bolsillo y saca un billete de $1.000 y dice:

Cóbrese.

El mesero, con su venganza muy bien planeada, va hasta la caja y pide al cajero que le de $490 en monedas de $10, regresa hasta la mesa y parado frente al señor comienza a lanzarlas por todo el establecimiento mientras dice:

$10, $20, $30, $40, $50, $60… $470, $480, $490

Ahí tiene su cambio señor.

Nuestro hombre se levanta de la mesa lleva su mano al bolsillo y saca dos monedas de $10, las lanza diciendo:

$500, $510… ¿Por favor me trae otro café?

Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.

Why dont Puerto Ricans like blow jobs?

They are afraid it will interfere with their unemployment benefits.

If nothing beats a Bud, given the choice, Id take the nothing…

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask their wise rabbi, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening. Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side.

The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, Did you buy this cow from Minsk?

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. You are truly a wise rabbi, they said.

How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?

The rabbi answered sadly, My wife is from Minsk.

What did the right eye say to the left eye?

Just between you and me. Something smells.