Old and New Jokes

Newly arrived in the U.S., immigrants Mario and Luigi go to the urban unemployment office.

What line of work are you in? the agent asks Mario.

I pilot, replies Mario.

Im sure I can find a place for you, says the efficient woman, handing him an application to fill out. Then she turns to Luigi, And what kind of work do you do?

I lumberjack, he answers.

Hmmmmm … Im afraid we dont have any openings for lumberjacks.

Suddenly Mario looks up. Hey, you must be crazy, lady!

The agent is taken aback. What are you talking about?

Well, if he no cut it, how you expect me to pile it?

What I want in a man, Original List (age 22)

1. Handsome

2. Charming

3. Financially successful

4. A caring listener

5. Witty

6. In good shape

7. Dresses with style

8. Appreciates the finer things

9. Full of thoughtful surprises

10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I want in a man, Revised list (age 32)

1. Nice looking – preferably with hair on his head

2. Opens car doors, holds chairs

3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at a restaurant

4. Listens more than he talks

5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times

6. Can carry in all groceries with ease

7. Owns at least one tie

8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal

9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I want in a man, Revised list (age 42)

1. Not too ugly – bald head okay

2. Doesnt drive off until Im in the car

3. Works steady – splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion

4. Nods head at appropriate times when Im talking

5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes

6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange furniture

7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach

8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids

9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down

10. Shaves on most weekends

What I want in a man, Revised list (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length

2. Doesnt belch or scratch in public

3. Doesnt borrow money too often

4. Doesnt nod off to sleep while Im talking

5. Doesnt re-tell same jokes too many times

6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends

7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear

8. Appreciates a good TV dinner

9. Remembers your name on occasion

10. Shaves on some weekends

What I want in a man, Revised list (age 62)

1. Doesnt scare small children

2. Remembers where bathroom is

3. Doesnt require much money for upkeep

4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)

5. Forgets why hes laughing

6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself

7. Usually wears some clothes

8. Likes soft foods

9. Remembers where he left his teeth

10.Remembers when…

What I want in a man, Revised list (age 72)

1. Breathing–

Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse were up in a hotel room and decided that they wanted to have sex. Well, the first thing Minnie asks is, Do you have a condom?

Donald says No.

Minnie tells Donald that if he doesnt get a condom that they cant have sex and suggests to Donald that he go buy a condom. She says that maybe they sell them at the front desk.

Donald proceeds to go downstairs and gets to the front desk. He asks the hotel clerk if they sell condoms. The clerk says yes we do and pulls one out from under the desk and gives it to Donald.

The clerk asks Would you like me to put that on your bill?

Donald says NO! WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, SOME KIND OF PERVERT?

How do you know youre at a bulimic bachelor party? When the cake jumps out of the girl!

Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Define lightbulb.

What is the biggest problem for an atheist?

No one to talk to during orgasm.

Andaba Ramiro enojando vociferando por las calles de La Habana y se encuentra a su gran amigo Filemón, quien le dice: ¿Qué pasa Ramiro? ¿porqué tan enojado? Es que todo esto es por culpa de Fidel… ¿De qué tiene la culpa Fidel, hermano? Pué que para comprá azúcar, una maldita cola, para comprá harina, una maldita cola, y que si va comprá tú carne, otra maldita cola… y no se diga de la gasolina hermano, otra maldita cola… ¡ya estoy cansado!… ¡yo voy a matar a Fidel! Oye chico quieto, que no andes por ahí diciendo tarugadas ¿cómo de que vas a matar a Fidel? ¿que tú estas loco de la cabeza, hermano? Mira Filemón, ahorita que me voy y que mato a Fidel… él tiene la culpa de todo esto…

Total que Ramiro arranca para donde Fidel para matarlo. Pasadas las horas, Filemón se encuentra a Ramiro sentado en una banqueta viendo la gente pasar…

Oye chico, yo ya te hacía agujereado en un paredón… ¿que tú no ibas a matar a Fidel y que no se qué? Pues mira hermano, yo iba, pero es que para matar a Fidel hay ¡¡UNA MALDITA COLA!!

A husband apple and a wife apple were having a discussion.

Honey, you seem upset… said the husband apple to his wife apple.



Yes dear, I am. she replied.



What is the matter? he asked.



The wife apple would not say what the matter was and she kept hesitating.



Finally, the husband apple got very upset, and demanded to his wife apple, You better tell me what is wrong! I want to get to the CORE of things!

One day two men walked into the bar. Both men were exactly alike, a clone you could say. They both sat down for the bartender to fix them a drink. The first man sat down, waited on the bartender to fix his drink. When it was given to him he drunk it very fast, left, and had a happy life. The next man sat down, and waited on the bartender to fix his drink. When the drink was given to him he drunk it very slowly, and died right there on the spot. Why did the first man live but the second man die?



Answer: The bartender placed a poison in both of the drinks. The trick is, the poison was in the ice. So, the first man drank the drink so fast that the ice didnt melt, so the poison did not get in his drink. The second man drank the drink way to slow, so the ice had time to melt out into the drink. The poison got into his drink and he died.

You know uncle Rons cure for AIDS: Sit down and keep your mouth shut!