Old and New Jokes

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.

9. Hes won the Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.

5. Mumbled, Oh, puh-leeez 95 times during the movie The Net

4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.

3. Video dating profile lists public-key encryption among turn-ons

2. When his computer starts up, you hear, Good Morning, Mr. President.

1. You hear him murmur, Lets see you use that Visa card now, jerk.

Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sat licking their fingers after a large meal.

Your wife makes a delicious roast, The chief said.

Thanks, his friend said. Im gonna miss her.

There are more jokes like this at http://www.dirtylaughs.com

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

10. Move you roommates personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.

A rabbit and a skunk were abandoned at birth. After a couple of days they
run into each other and decide to keep on living with each other. Neither
one has seen an animal of its kind so they were wondering what they were.
So the rabbit says to the skunk what do I look like? The skunk
replied, well, you have a little pink nose, a fluffy tail, and youre
all white. You must be a rabbit then! said the skunk.
Then the skunk asked the rabbit what do I look like? The rabbit
replied, well, youre not black or white, youre pretty ugly, and you
sure do smell bad. After a few seconds of pondering the rabbit screamed
out I know what you are. Youre Mexican.

I know somewere inside of me there is a sober man trying to get out.

A six pack usually shuts him up.

You might be a redneck if…

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

President Clinton, returning from a campaign stop in Arkansas, is climbing the steps to board Air Force One. Under each arm he is carrying a souvenir of his trip — a live razorback. At the top of the jetway, he is met by the guard, a Marine sergeant, who issues a crisp salute.
Id salute you back, Sergeant, says the President, but as you can see, Ive got my hands full.
Yes, sir, replies the sergeant. Very nice pigs, sir. Very nice pigs.
Why, these arent pigs, the President responds. These are RAZORBACKS!
Yes, sir — razorbacks. Sorry, sir.
Yup, Clinton continues. Got this one for Chelsea, and this one for Hillary.
The sergeant replies: Very good trade, sir — very good trade.

Your mums fannys so hairy I seen a monkey swing outa there the other day.

She was run over by the Zamboni machine.

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Dont ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram.
O.K, I said, lets do it.
Stand up here real close she said,
(She got my boob in line),
And tell me when it hurts, she said,
Ah yes! Right there, thats fine.
She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooters in a vise!
My skin was stretched and mangled,
>From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within its viselike grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!
Take a deep breath she said to me,
Who does she think shes kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.
There, thats good, I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
Now, lets have a go at the other one.
Have mercy, I was praying.
It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
Ill bet SHES never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.
Next time they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steamrolled.
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone ker-pow!
This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
Id like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out.