1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
6. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.
7. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case Coincidence?!?!?
8. Two hands and just one mouth now THATS a drinking problem.
9. Every woman you see has an exact twin.
10. You fall off the floor
11. Hey, 5 beers have just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
12. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
13. Every night youre beginning to find your neighbours cat more and more attractive
14. Im not drunk youre just sober!!
15. Roseanne looks good
16. You dont recognise your wife unless seen from the bottom of a glass.
17. That dammned pink elephant followed me home again.
18. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.
19. Youve fallen and cant get up.
20. The shrubberys drunk too, from frequent watering.
Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, Hey, Dave, how ya doin?
His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.
Oh no, says Dave. Hes on my bowling team.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.
No, honey, shes in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. Hi Davey, she says, Want your usual table dance?
Daves wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.
The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.
How was work, dear? his wife asks.
Listen! I dont want to talk about work! he shouts.
Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal? she asks sweetly.
Listen! he shouts again. Im not hungry! I dont wanna eat! Alright! Is that alright with you?
Cant I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? huh?
At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.
Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself…
Well, I guess its that time of the month!
Stan was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barged in the room holding their newborn baby.
Stop! You cant do this! exclaimed the brother.
And why not? asked Stan.
Dont you want to have a beautiful baby someday like my wife and I have here?
Stan said nothing.
The brother grew impatient, Cmon Stan, I want a nephew.
Stan, make me an uncle.
Stan couldnt take it anymore. He gave his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asked his brother, Youre SURE you want a nephew?
Yes, the brother replied. It would be an honor!
Well congratulations, youre holding him!
I once worked as a salesman and was very independent; I took orders from no one.
How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, Ill sit in the dark. Ill be fine, dont worry, its okay. Its not like you ever come to visit me anyway. Oy!
Has anybody attempted a compilation of the hilarious things kids do
and say in the process of growing up? If not, I am willing to act as
a collector of these stories. Email me, and Ill repost as the list
grows. To start things off (or to add to someone elses list) I have
the following two stories:
Story #1: Told to me by a former co-worker.
Eliot was about 3 when he and his dad paid a visit to a local mall.
Eliot began to misbehave, so his dad picked him up and proceeded to
carry him out of the store. As they made their way to the exit, Eliot
yelled out, Hey mister, put me down.
[You can guess what they taught Eliot in preschool.]
Story #2: Told to me by a school principal at a panel discussion on
Is your child ready for kindergarten?
The principal was visiting the kindergarten class, as was his daily
habit. The teacher was teaching the children about colors. She asked
the class if anyone knew what color one got when one mixed blue and
yellow. One kid immediately yelled out, Green! The teacher,
shocked at the childs quick and correct answer, asked how he knew.
The child replied, My mommy puts this blue stuff into the potty, and
when I do a pee pee it turns green.
Q: Why does the Clinton administration want to reinvent government?
A: They are having a lot of trouble dealing with the existing form…democracy.
Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both.
Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges.
Do These Jeans Make Me Look Fat? – Why Men Lie.
TV Remotes: For Men Only.
Why did Monica always drink with a straw while she was an intern?
Practice.