Old and New Jokes

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, Arent you Moses?

The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the mans view and asked again, Arent you Moses?

The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

George W. tugged at the mans sleeve and asked once again, Arent you Moses?

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, Yes I am.

George W. asked him why he was so uppity.

Moses replied, The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert!

2 snakes walk into a bar, 1 snake says to the other why do humans measure us in inches? the other snake replies, cause we dont have any feet!!

A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland.

When the man tells her it will be $300 She exclaims..I dont have any money.. but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland !!!!



To that the man asks Anything65 And the blonde says yes.. Anything!!



With that, the man says Follow me..He walks into the next room and tells her Come in and close the door..She does!!



He then says Get on your knees..She does!!.. He then says take down my zipper..She does!!… He then says Go ahead… Take it out. With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands!! The man then says Well.. Go ahead!!…She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips..She says HELLO, MOM6565

Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.

Late one night a couple is driving down a country highway and run over an oppossum.

Knowing that mother oppossums often carry babies in their pouch, they decide to check out this poor animal. Sure enough there was a baby, so they decide to rescue it.

They take it into the car and continue down the road. The little oppossum is scared and squirming around like crazy so the wife asks her husband what she should do?

He thinks for a minute and says, Well its used to being in its mothers pouch. Maybe if you unbutton your jeans, and put it in there it will calm down.

She exclaims, Im not going to do that! That thing is smelly and nasty!

The husband replies, Well, why dont you just hold its little nose!

One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub

together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just

as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in

each of their pints.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued

drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it

over the pint, yelling… SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!

This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, Ill be home in an hour.

Perfect, she replies.



The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife?



She calls him on the phone and she says, Traffic is terrible. I wont be there for about an hour and a half.



The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. What should I do? he asks.

The Doctor replied, It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?

Yes the man replied.



Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead? said the Doctor.

The man then replied with dismay, But I dont need Viagra with the housekeeper…

One day a kid asks his mom if he can take a shower with her. She says, Sure son, but dont look up and dont look down.

So theyre taking a shower and the kid reaches up for the soap and he says, Woo mama! What are those?

She says, Those are my headlights. The kid says Ahh.

Then he drops the soap and bends down to get it and he says, Woo mama! What is that? and she replies back with, That is my garage. The kid says Ahh.

The next day he asks his dad if he can take a shower with him. The kid does. As hes scrubbing himself with the soap,he drops it. When he picks it up he says, Woo daddy! What is that? The father replies back, Thats my limousine.

That night he asks his parents if he could sleep with them and they say, Sure, just dont look under the covers.

Then in the middle of the night he decides to take a peek. And he says Wooo mama! Look, daddy is parking his limousine in your garage!