Old and New Jokes

Q: How many DIY buffs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes him two weekends and three trips to the hardware store.

Why is pubic hair curly?

So you dont poke your eyes out!

Snoop Doggs so dark that if he was naked at night, you couldnt see him.

It seems that the Republic of Korea, under pressure, decided to hold
free and fair elections, U.S.-style. They decided to go all out: voter
registration drives, canvasses, polls, high quality voting machines
from the Chicago Voting Machine Company, the whole bit.

Anyhow, the campaigns were mounted, the elections held, the results
tallied, and sure enough, the new President-elect of the
Republic of Korea was Richard J. Daley.

Along comes another
new diet.

And of course I just have to try it.

So I part with my dough,

But the pounds never go;

"Oh waiter, more chicken –and fry it!"

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for

baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a

very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent

that they would marry she thought to herself, He is such a sweet

and gentle man, but he would never go for this carrying on.

So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months

later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived

in the country she called her husband and told him that she would

be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small

diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand.

Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk

off any ill effects by the time she reached home.

So, she stopped at the  diner and before she knew it, she had

consumed three large orders of baked beans. She putt-putted all the

way home, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could

control any lingering effects.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly,

Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight.

He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She

seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from

his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the

blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the

pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was

out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to

one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a

rotten egg gone worse.

When her husband returned, he instructed her to remove her

blindfold. And when she did, 50 people around her said Surprise!

Russian Vodka

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle
laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie.
The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, Hello Master, I will grant
you one wish, anything that you want.

The Russian begins thinking, Well I really like drinking vodka.
Finally the Russian says, I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss
vodka.

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a
glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He looks at the glass and its
clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So
he takes a taste and it is the best vodka that he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife, Natasha, Natasha, come quickly. She
comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard
and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka that
she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.

The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to
get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses.
The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until
the sun comes up.

Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to grab one
glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka. She gets the glass but asks him
Boris, why do we only need one glass?

Boris raises the glass and says, Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

66. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.

My brother-in-law goes into a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. He looks on the side of his cup and finds a peel off prize. He pulls off the tab and yells, I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home; I WON a motor home!

The waitress runs over and says, Thats impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!

My brother-in-law replies, No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!

By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, You couldnt possibly have won a motor home because we dont have that as a prize!

Once again, my brother in-law says, No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!

The manager grabs the prize ticket and reads, WIN A BAGEL.

Im so naive about finances. Once when my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didnt understand, she had to explain: Thats like three Mercedeses. Then I understood