Old and New Jokes

We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car.

We whip the enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs.

We yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving, then wont buy a car if it cant go over 100 miles an hour.

Americans get scared to death if we vote a billion dollars for education, then are unconcerned when we find out we are spending three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.

We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but dont know half the words in the Star Spangled Banner.

Well spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.

We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.

We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.

In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.

We are the only people in the world who will pay $.50 to park our car while eating a $.25 sandwhich.

Were the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.

We run from morning to night trying to keep our earning power up with our yearning power.

Were supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still cant deliver payrolls without an armored car.

We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.

Q: How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Will somebody please call house-keeping?

The Marine 3-star general in charge of the joint office called his entire staff in for an indoctrination meeting. When they were all inside, the general had his aide close the door and said, If youre going to work in this office, you need to have COMMITMENT, each and every one of you. Nothing is more important.

He then said to his aide, Let him go. The aide opened up the door to a side office, and in ran a 7-foot long alligator, snarling and snapping.

The general looked straight at his new people and said Youre each going to have to demonstrate COMMITMENT.

He then undid his belt and dropped his trousers around his knees. Immediately the alligator ran up and sunk his teeth right into the generals family jewels and held on tight. The general winced, but instantly composed himself and shouted, This is COMMITMENT!

He waited several seconds more, then took two of his fingers and jabbed the alligator in both eyes. The gator flipped over on his back, jumped up, and ran into the corner of the office, glaring angrily at the general.

That, my friends, is COMMITMENT. Which one of you is ready to demonstrate his COMMITMENT?

There was much shuffling of feet and murmuring. Finally an AF fighter pilot stepped forward and said, I will sir, if you promise not to poke me in the eyes.

Dos tontilandeses van a pasar las vacaciones a Estupids City. Mientras van en el tren uno se queda flipado mirando por la ventana y le dice al otro:

Oye, ¿te has fijado en lo rápido que pasan los postes?

Y el otro le dice:

¡Es verdad, de regreso mejor nos venimos en poste!

Estaban dos compadres y uno le dice al otro:

Compadre, ¿dónde ha estado?. Tantos meses sin verlo.

Estuve en una clases para quitarme las ganas de fumar.

Por lo visto no dio resultado, verdad.

¡Claro que dio resultado!

Pero si está usted fumando.

Sí, pero sin ganas.

There is a man and he finds out his wife is cheating on him because she isnt getting enough pleasure. He goes to a porno shop and tells him his problem. The man says he has just the thing for him, so he pulls out a box labeled Voo Doo Dick. He says watch this and opens the box and says, voo doo dick, door! so it jumps out of the box and start humping the keyhole. The guy buys it and takes it home to his wife. He tells her how to use it and goes to work. Later, his wife wants pleasure so she opens the box and says, voo doo dick my pussy! so it starts humping her like crazy. when she gets like 8 orgasms she wants to stop, but she doesnt know how, so she gets in her car and drives to the hospital, and on the way she has another orgasm and swerves all over the road. A police stops her and asks whats wrong, so she says that she has a voo doo dick in her pussy. The policeman says, yeah right, voo doo dick my ass!

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to get it up anymore. He goes to his doctor, his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him this is all in your mind, and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured.

Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor tells him, I can cure this, and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke….

The witch doctor says This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say 1 2 3 and it shall rise for as long as you wish!

The guy then asks the witch doctor What happens after when its over?.

The witch doctor says all you have to say is 1 2 3 4 and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for 3 months!

This guy goes home and that night is ready to surprise his wife with the good news… So he is lying in bed with her and says 1 2 3, and suddenly he gets a hard-on.

His wife turns over and says What did you say 1 2 3 for?

Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you
try to remove it.

Whats worth doing is worth doing for money.