Old and New Jokes

Q: What is the basement where White House staffers work called?
A: The whine cellar.

Dictionary of Evaluation Comments

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

AVERAGE: Not too bright.

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.

ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.

Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped below the surface. After floating under blazing heat for 6 days they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water.



As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an oil lamp(the kind the genies come in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it.POOF out popped a tired old genie who said…



OK, so you freed me from this stupid lamp, yadda, yadda, yadda. Buthey, Ive been doing this 3 wishes stuff for a long time now and quitefrankly, Im burned out. You guys get only ONE wish and then Im OUTTA here. Make it a good one.



The first guy, without hesitation or thought blurted out, Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!!!



Fine, said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean into beer.



Great move Einstein! said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the head. NOW were gonna have to pee in the BOAT!

I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double.

The bartender brought out a guy who looked just like me.

An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following:



Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if its any good, Ill send you a check.



In a short time he received the following reply: Please send check. If its any good, well send the engine.

A Brit and a Scot were standing on a corner talking when an Irishman walked
up. You know what, said the Irishman, I just went into that pub over there,
ordered a pint, played some darts and when I walked out of the pub the barman
said to me to pay up. So I told him I paid when I got my pint, the barman did
nothing to me, so I got a free drink!

The Brit like the ideal so much he
went into the pub and did the same thing the Irishman did. The Brit came out
and told the Irishman and the Scot that the barman gave him no trouble either.

So the Scot decides to try this. He walks into the bar and orders a pint. As
he continues to talk to the barman, the barman mentioned the two blokes who
walked out without paying. The Scot asked the barman why he did nothing. The
barman said, Well Im not looking for trouble, the Scot replied, Well its
getting late, if you give me my change, Ill be heading home.

There once were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their evil ways from the public eye. They attended the same temple, and to everyone else, they appeared to be perfect Jews.
One day, their rabbi retired and a new one was hired. Not only could the new rabbi see right through the brothers deceptions, but he also spoke well and true about it. Due to the rabbis honesty and integrity, the temples membership grew in numbers. Eventually, a fundraising campaign was started to build a much bigger temple.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new rabbi the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to complete the new building. He held the check for the rabbi to see.

I have only one condition, he said. At the funeral, you must say my brother was a mensch. You must say those exact words.

After some thought, the rabbi gave his word and took the check. He cashed it immediately. At the funeral the next day, however, the rabbi did not hold back. He was an evil man, he said about the dead brother. He cheated on his wife and abused his family. Never once did he commit an unselfish act. He railed on and on about the deceased.

After nearly a half hour of the evil truth, the rabbi paused and shrugged his shoulders. Finally, he said, But compared to his brother, he was a mensch.

Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?

A: Grade
4.

Two blondes are shopping at the mall. When they are done they go out to their car, which happens to be an awesome leather interior convertible. When they get to the car, they realize they had locked the keys in the car. So they both kind of stand there and think for a while. Then one has the idea to try to open the car with a hanger. So the first blonde starts fiddling with the lock with the hanger. The other blonde looks up at the sky and suddenly becomes very worried.

HURRY, HURRY," she urges. "ITS GOING TO RAIN AND WE LEFT THE TOP DOWN!