Old and New Jokes

I had purchased a talking metronome while I was attending a conference in New York for music teachers. Before my son and I boarded our flight home, I hefted my carry-on bag onto the security-check conveyor belt.

The guards eyes widened as he watched the monitor. He asked what I had in the bag, then slowly pulled out the six-by-three-inch black box covered with dials and switches.

Other travelers, sensing trouble, vacated the area. A metronome, I replied weakly, as my son cringed in embarrassment.

Its a talking metronome, I insisted. Look, Ill show you.

I took the box and flipped a switch, realizing that I had no idea how it worked, One … two … three … four, it said.

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

As we gathered our belongings, my son whispered, Arent you glad it didnt go four … three … two … one …?
-from Readers Digest, November 1995

(contributed by Marcia L. Caldwell)

Why Steve, youre so depressed today, whats the matter?

Ah, well, I have had a quarrel with my mother-in-law. She swore to me she wouldnt talk to me for a month!!

Then so bad about it? You should celebrate the event!!

No, no, see…that was four weeks ago, and today is the last day…

a man and his wife stopped in at a bar,sat down on a stool beside this guy,after a while this man let go with a sizzler the man with his wife ask,did you fart fore my wife,the man replied,didnt know it was her turn.

It was the last day of school, and all the students were bringing presents for their teacher. A florists daughter came up and gave her teacher a box. The teacher said, “ll bet these are flowers!” The girl replied, “How did you know? “Just a lucky guess,” she said.
Next, a boy whose family owned a candy store came up and gave the teacher a box. She said that she knew it was candy. When the boy asked how she knew, she again said, “Just a lucky guess.”
Finally, a boy whose father owned a liquor store came up and gave the teacher a box, but one of the boxs corners was damp from a leak. The teacher asked the boy if it was wine. The boy said, “No.” She touched the leak and put it to her tongue and asked if it was champagne. The boy again said no. Finally, she gave up and asked him what was in the box. He said happily, “A puppy!”

Once upon a time there were two men who had gone cliff climbing. Suddenly, one man lost his footing and went tumbling down to the bottom. The other man frantically screamed, Roger!, and was relieved to hear a faint reply.

Okay Rodge, shouted Barry, Im gonna throw a rope down to you, so wrap it round one of your legs and.. but before he could finish, he heard Roger call But both my legs are broke.

Barry suggested his arms, to which the reply was Theyre broken too! So finally, Roger held on with his mouth. Barry struggled to pull up the rope, and when he was nearly there, Barry said, You right there mate? to which Rodger replied,YYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS……..

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.



Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.



Heres a copy of the service, he said impatiently. But youll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.



During the service, the minister paused and said, Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.



At that moment, the substitute organist played The Star-Spangled Banner.



And that is how the substitute organist became the permanent organist!

It was time for the final and the student depending upon getting at least one right answer on the chemistry test.

The question was If h20 if water, what is h204?

This was a quick question for most, but it took the student some thinking time.

Finally, he wrote down his answer: For drinking, washing, and cleaning.

Maintains professional attitude: A snob.

Meticulous in attention to detail: A nitpicker.

Mover and shaker: Favors steamroller tactics without regard for other opinions.

¿Cuáles son las tres mentiras más grandes que un hombre le dice a su mujer?

1. Siempre te voy a querer.

2. Nunca te seré infiel.

3. ¡Chupa, chupa que yo te aviso!

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered
hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a while he started
advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.

Its O.K., he replied, its written in the Bible.

So after a wild night of you-know-what the hat check girl asked to see where
in the Bible it says its okay.

The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where
someone wrote in pencil – The hat check girl puts out!