Old and New Jokes

Chelsea Clinton.

( Apologies to all to whom this is not culturally relevant! )

A joke told to me by one of the staff at church on Sunday:

The somewhat old and crusty vicar was taking a well-earned retirement from
his rather old and crusty parish. As is usual in these cases, a locum was
sent to cover the transition period. This particular man was young and
active, and had the strange notion that church should also be active and
exciting. As a consequence he was more than a little disapointed with the
dull and tradition-bound church. He decided to do something about it.

For his first Sunday, he didnt wear the traditional robes and vestments,
but lead the service wearing a nice 2-piece suit. The congregation was
horrified! He changed the order of the service. The congregation was
horrified! Then came the childrens lesson.

For this he came out of the pulpit, and sat on the communion table.
The congregation was mortified! He sat there swinging his legs against
the table as the children gathered around him. The congregation were
totally beside themselves!

He asked the children, Whats small, brown, furry and eats nuts?

There was total silence.

He asked again, Whats small, brown, furry and eats nuts?

Total silence.

Eventually, one timid youngster put up his hand and said, Please, Sir,
I know the answer is Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me.

Greg.

Yo mama so fat everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!

Q: You know what the problem with political jokes is, dont you?
A: They get elected.

Good: Youre having sex.

Bad: The dog came in during and licked your butt.

Worse: You liked it.

Good: Your teenage son is spending a lot of time in his room studying

Bad: You find a bunch of gay porno tapes hidden in his room.

Worse: Hes in them.

Good: Your wife gives your daughter the birds and the bees speech.

Bad: Your daughter keeps interrupting…..

Worse: ……with corrections.

Theres this man, a devout catholic, who really wants to meet the pope. When the pope comes to his town on his world tour, the man puts on his finest Armani suit and goes down to see him.

Well, there are hundreds and hundreds of well dressed people, but the pope walks right up to this one especially shabby guy. The guy is clearly a homeless person, unshaven, smelly and dressed in rags. The pope leans over and has a conversation with the guy.

Well, our hero notices this, and he realizes there is no way that he can possibly be noticed in the sea of Armani suits, so he ducks into a bathroom, shreds his clothing and makes himself up to be equally shabby.

Sure enough, when he comes out the pope comes right over to him, leans over and says, I thought I told you to get the hell out of here.

what is the common thing between a rat and a man?

they both search for holes.

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage? she asked.

No, thanks, replied the vultures. Theyre carrion.

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectal deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they dont sell rectal deodorant, and never have.Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.Im sorry, says the pharmacist, we dont have any.But, I always buy it here, says the blonde.Do you have the container that it came in? asks the pharmacist.Yes, said the blonde, Ill go home and get it.She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container………
TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.

Q: Why are conductors hearts popular for transplants?
A: Theyve had little use.