Old and New Jokes

I heared this version of jingle bells from my 9 years old nice.

Jingle bells, jingle bells
Santa Claus is dead
Mrs. Claus had PMS and
shut him in the head.

A Rabbi is walking slowly out of a Shul in New York when a gust of wind blows his hat down the street. He is an old man with a cane and cant walk fast enough to catch his hat. Across the street a man sees what has happened and rushes over to grab the hat and returns it to the Rabbi. I dont think I would have been able to catch my hat. the Rabbi says. Thank you very much. The Rabbi places his hand on his shoulder and says, May God bless you.


The young man thinks to himself, Ive been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day! So he goes to the racetrack and in the first race he sees there is a horse named Stetson at 20 to 1. He bets $50 and sure enough the horse comes in first. In the second race he sees a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1 so he bets it all and this horse comes in first also. Finally at the end of the day he returns home to his wife who asks him where hes been. He explains how he caught the Rabbis hat and was blessed by him and the went to the track and started winning on horses that had a hat in their names. So wheres the money? she says. I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost. You fool! she said, Chateau is a house, Chapeau is a hat. It doesnt matter, he said, the winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulka.

City of New York, Borough of Bronx
High School Math Proficiency Exam

Name:____________________ Gang:_________________

1. Darnel has an AK-47 with a 40-round clip. If he shoots 13 times during each drive-by shooting and misses 6 out of 10 shots, how many drive by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?

2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine, and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Little Mikey for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of cocaine if he does not cut it?

3. Rufus is pimping 3 girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit?

4. Dino wants to cut his half-pound of heroin to make a 20% profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?

5. Willis gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy and $100 for a 4×4. If he has stolen 2 BMWs and 3 4x4s, how many Chevys will he have to steal to make $800?

6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for performing the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much will be left when he gets out of prison, and how many years will he get for killing the bitch for spending his money?

7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 2 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?

8. Hector knocked up 6 of the girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls has Hector knocked up?

How can you tell if a blonde has been using a computer?

The joystick is wet and theres white out on the screen!

An eager, but less than bright, young entrepreneur decides to
go into the painting business. So he wanders into the rich part
of town, paint brush in hand, and knocks at the door of a
large house.

Good day, sir. I was wondering if you had any painting you
need done.

The owner of the house, a rich man by any standard, looks
speculatively at the painter. He perceives a vibrant
entrepreneurial spirit, which reminds him of his own ambition
in his younger days.

Hmmm. Yes, I think my porch needs a coat or two of paint.

The eager young painter rushes off around the side of the house…

Several hours later, he returns to the front door, his clothes
dripping paint, and knocks again.

Sir, Ive finished! But I have to tell you, that wasnt a porch, it
was a Ferarri.

There was a man that owned a giant gorilla and, all its life, hed never left it on its own. But eventually he had to go on a business trip and had to leave his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor. So he explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine oclock. But he was never ever, ever to touch its fur.
So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, “Why cant I touch its fur?” as their didnt seem to be anything wrong with it. Every day he came in and looked for a little while longer as he still couldnt understand until, about a week later, hed worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla. He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur.
Suddenly the gorilla went ape shit and started to jump around, then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into some one elses sports car and drove off. In the rear-veiw mirror, he could see the gorilla in its own sports car, driving right behing him. He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped. He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someones front garden and up the apple tree.He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest.
The man jumped down and ran back in to the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought hed lost the gorilla. The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shaddow coming down the street ahead. The gorilla! It came to the end of the alley, stood and looked striaght into the bloodshoot eyes of the man and came towards him slowly. This time there was no escape. As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint. The giant beast came face to face with him, raised its mighty hand and said, “Tag! Youre it!”

You have got more bumper stickers than children.

our wife has ever taken two pairs of shoes to a funeral: one pair to trudge thru the wet Georgia red clay between the house and the pickup, and the other pair to wear at the funeral.

You have ever been in a funeral where the flower truck was a pickup, particularly if it belonged to one of the family, more particularly if it was yours.

El piloto del avión se dirige por los altavoces a todos los pasajeros:

Buenas noches, señores pasajeros. Les habla el comandante. Volaremos a 30,000 pies de altura y bla bla bla, bla bla bla…

Total que acaba de hablar y se le olvida desconectar el micrófono. A continuación, le dice a su ayudante (y sigue oyéndose fuera):

Bueeeno… Ahora pongo el piloto automático, luego me tomo un cortadito y después le echo un polvete a la azafata…

Y una azafata que estaba al fondo del avión, oyendo por los altavoces el desaguisado, se puso a correr despavorida por el pasillo, para apagar el micrófono.

Pero, cuando pasó por delante de uno de los pasajeros que estaba en las primeras filas, éste le dijo, socarrón:

¡Tranquiila! ¡No coorra! ¡Que primero se iba a tomar un cortaado!

Poor Billy is dating a rich girl and has no idea what to give her for her birthday, (as she has everything) as he tells of his dilema to his friend, his friend suggests that he tatoo her name on his sex organ. Billy goes to a tattoo parlor and tells the man her name is Wendy.

When finished he looks down and sees. . W Y and says Hey I said her name was Wendy

Man says Dont worry shake it. . . . He does, . . and voila!- Wendy.

He ties a ribbon on it and presents it to his girl. . . she is so happy that she invites him on a Carribean cruise.

While in port at Jamaica in a disco he goes to the bathroom. While at the urinal a tall Jamaican stands next to him glances down sees W Y and says W Y, huh?

Billy says oh! its my girlfriends name, look (shakes it. . . Wendy)

Jamaican says: Ah good show man, Wendy, very nice.

Billy looks at the Jamaican and notices his organ also says W Y.

Billy says: Hey, wait a minute, yours says Wendy too?

Ah no man. Mine says Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day.

A little old lady called 911.

When the operator answered, she yelled: Help, send the police to my house right away! Theres a damn Republican on my front porch and hes playing with himself.

What? the operator exclaimed.

I said there is a damn Republican on my front porch playing with himself and hes weird; I dont know him and Im afraid! Please send the police! the little old lady repeated.

Well, now, how do you know hes a Republican???

Because, you damn fool, if he were a Democrat, hed be screwing somebody!