Old and New Jokes

Have you seen Ray Charles wife?

Neither has he!

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights (because they cant see each other using sign language, natch).

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution. Honey, she signs, Why dont we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you dont want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time.

And if you dont want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis……fifty times

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman Give me six double vodkas.

The barman says Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day.

Yes, Ive just found out my older brother is gay.

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, Ive just found out that my younger brother is gay too!

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender says Geez! Doesnt anybody in your family like women?.

Yeah, my wife…

A new jail warden was being shown through the jailhouse by the old warden.

Soon, after making rounds around the rest of the jail, they get to the cafeteria. In one corner, he sees a group of elderly men laughing hysterically.

Interested, he watches them while the older warden gets his food. One of the men shouts out 63! and the entire table bursts out laughing. The new warden is totally baffled by the behavior of them. 74!, again a chorus of guffaws ring out.

The old warden comes back to the table where the new warden sits staring, and the new warden asks What are those elderly men doing.

The old warden smirks, and says, Oh, those are the life timers. Theyve been in here so long, they just number their jokes.

Meanwhile another one calls out 2!. Nobody laughs.

The new warden leans over and asks, What happened? To this the warden replied, Oh, he blew the delivery.

A U.S. Army survival manual tells how a stranded serviceman should deal
with the inhabitants of wherever he is:

Be respectful of their personal property, especially their women.

A guy and his son go into a bar. The son is just a head though. The man asks the bartender for two shots. The man takes one shot and gives the other one to his son. The son swallows down the drink and out pops an arm.
The man thought,Hey this is good. So he asks for two more shots. He drinks one and gives the other to his son again, and out pops another arm.
The man the asks for a double and gives it to his son. The son throws it down and suddenly explodes.
The bartender looks over at the man and says, Looks like he should have quit while he was ahead.

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, Give me six double vodka.

The barman says, Wow! you must have had one hell of a day. Yes, Ive just found out my older brother is gay.

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, Ive just found out that my younger brother is gay too!

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said Jesus! Doesnt anybody in your family like women?

Yeah, my wife!

What do a Blonde and KFC have in common?

After your done with the breast and the thigh all you have left is a greasy bucket to stick your bone into.

Yo mama so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!

Two friends, Fred and Harry were golfing one fine day.



Toward the end of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods.



Harry, laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond where Fred has hit his.



Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute.

Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball.



Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch smashing the weeds to pieces.



All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, Im Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?!



Just for that, you wont have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life… better still; you wont have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life….. as a matter of fact, you wont have any butter for anything the rest of your life!

Then POOF!…she was gone.



After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend,

Harry!….Harry!…where are you?



Harry yells, I hit my ball in these damn pussywillows!



Fred screams back…..DONT SWING! FOR GODS SAKE, DONT SWING!