Old and New Jokes

Two blondes are shopping at the mall. When they are done they go out to their car, which happens to be an awesome leather interior convertible. When they get to the car, they realize they had locked the keys in the car. So they both kind of stand there and think for a while. Then one has the idea to try to open the car with a hanger. So the first blonde starts fiddling with the lock with the hanger. The other blonde looks up at the sky and suddenly becomes very worried.HURRY, HURRY," she urges. "ITS GOING TO RAIN AND WE LEFT THE TOP DOWN!

From the November Contemporary Comedy

Ive got the Jimmy Carter Flu. Every time you think its gone for good it pops up again.

Carter and Clinton are living proof that it takes two Democrats to screw up as much as one Republican.

Lets face it, health care is dead – and so are the people who dont have it.

Congressmen who werent reelected are leaving office with huge pensions. Thats why we cant take it us – theyre taking it with them.

Nike Condoms: Just do it.Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you cant stop.Mentos Condoms: The freshmakerFlintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten millon strong and growing.Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but Ph balanced for a woman.Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.Ford Condoms: The best never rest.Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.Dial Condoms: Arent you glad you use it? Dont you wish everybody did?New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey– you never know.California Lotto Condoms: Whos next?Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.Lays Condoms: Betcha cant have just one.Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.The Carls Jr. Condom: If it doesnt get all over the place, it doesnt belong in your face…General Electric: We bring good things to life!AT&T condom: Reach out and touch someone.Bounty: The quicker picker upper.Microsoft: Where do you want to go today ?Energizer: It keeps going and going and going….M&M condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!Chevron: Use them? people do.Taco Bell: Get some; make a run for the border.MCI: for friends and family Double Mint:Double your pleasure, double your fun!The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winterDelta Airlines travel pack: Deltas ready when you areUnited Airlines travel pack: Fly UnitedThe Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before

A nun, a priest, an Irishman, a Jew, a Scotsman, a rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and asks, Is this some kind of joke?

The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble photograph of distant galaxies colliding.

Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene…

An engineering student was walking on campus one day when another engineering student rode up on a shiny new bicycle.

Where did you get such a nice bike? asked the first.

The second engineer replied Well, yesterday I was walking along minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said Take what you want!

The second engineer nodded approvingly, Good choice, the clothes probably wouldnt have fit.

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and Im not sure about the universe. — Albert Einstein

This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with
Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October
1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval
operations, 10-10-95.CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to
avoid a collision.AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the
north to avoid a collision.CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the south to avoid a collision.AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second
largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are
accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous
support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees
north. I say again, thats one-five degrees north, or
counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this
ship.CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

There were once four kids, Poop, Shut Up, Manners, and Trouble.

Poop was riding his bike and fell. Manners went to help him up. Trouble got lost. Shut Up goes to the Police Station to report it.

Officer: Whats your name?

Shut Up: Shut Up.

Officer: Whats your name?

Shut Up: Shut Up.

Officer: For the last time, WHATS YOUR NAME?!

Shut Up: Shut Up!

Officer: Are you looking for Trouble?

Shut Up: Yeah, we lost him about 2 miles back.

Officer: Wheres your Manners?

Shut Up: Back there pickin up Poop.

Dear GOD,

In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation?

Jane

Dear GOD,

Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?

Lucy

Dear GOD,

Is it true my father wont get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?

Anita

Dear GOD,

Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?

Norma

Dear GOD,

Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones,why dont you just keep the ones you have now?

Jane

Dear GOD,

Who draws the lines around the countries?

Nan

Dear GOD,

I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?

Neil

Dear GOD,

What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything.

Jane

Dear GOD,

Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.

Joyce

Dear GOD,

Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day

of rest. Tom L.

Dear GOD,

Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up.

Bruce

Dear GOD,

If You give me a genie lamp like Aladdin, I will give you anything you want except my money or my chess set.

Raphael

Dear GOD,

Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.

Larry

Dear GOD,

I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over.

Sam

Dear GOD,

I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.

Ruth M.

Dear GOD,

I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it.

Nan

Dear GOD,

If You watch me in church Sunday, Ill show You my new shoes.

Mickey D.

Dear GOD,

I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible.

Love, Chris

Dear GOD,

We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely,

Donna

How To Shower Like A Woman…
* Take off clothing and place it in sectional laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
* Walk to bathroom wearing long bathrobe. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
* Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how youre getting fat.
* Get in shower. Look for face-cloth, arm-cloth, leg-cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
* Wash you hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
* Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
* Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on for 15 minutes.
* Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red and raw.
* Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
* Rinse conditioner off of hair (this takes at least 15 minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
* Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
* Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
* Turn off shower.
* Squeegee off all wet surfaces inn the shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
* Get out of the shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country.
* Wrap hair in super-absorbent second towel.
* Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
* Return to bedroom wearing bathrobe and towel on head.
* If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and then rush to the bedroom to spend an hour-and-a-half getting dressed. How To Shower Like A Man…
* Take off clothes while sitting in the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
* Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the woo, woo sound.
* Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see your pecs. Admire the size of your weiner in the mirror, stratch your balls.
* Get in shower. Dont bother looking for a washcloth. You dont use one.
* Wash your face.
* Wash your armpits.
* Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
* Wash your privates and surronding area.
* Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.
* Shampoo your hair. Do not use conditioner.
* Make a shampoo Mohawk.
* Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
* Pee (in the shower).
* Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor bacause you left the curtain hanging out of the tub when you checked your Mohawk.
* Partially dry off.
* Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles .Admire wiener size. 18. Leave shower curtain open and wet mat on the floor.
* Leave bathroom light and fan on.
* Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your balls, shout Oh yeah, baby! and thrust your pelvis at her.
* Throw wet towel on the bed. Take two minutes to get dressed.