One evening, a Polak named Stosh Manzarek heard a loud knock on his front door from the Nazi police.
Open up! Its the police!
Stosh asked his friend, What do I do? When they hear my name and find out Im Polish, theyll kill me!
Relax, said the friend. Just use a different name, like Fromheim, or Heimlich, or-
Okay, okay!
Stosh opens the door and a Nazi police officer is standing there.
Name?
Stosh answers, Abraham Goldman.
THE GHOST SHIT – Thats the kind where you feel the shit come out, have shit on the toilet paper, but there is no shit in the toilet.
THE CLEAN SHIT – The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
THE WET SHIT – It happens when youre done shitting, youve pulled up your pants to your knees, and you realize you have to shit some more.
BRAIN HEMORRAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT OR POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD SHIT – The kind where you strain so much to get it out that you practically have a stroke.
THE ICEBERG SHIT – The kind where the shit is so long that the end of it stick s above the water.
THE RICHARD SIMMONS SHIT – The kind where you shit so much that you lose 30 pounds.
THE CORN SHIT – Self-explanatory.
THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT – The kind of shit that is so huge that youre afraid to flush the toilet without breaking it into a few pieces with your toilet brush.
THE DRINKERS SHIT – That is the kind of shit that you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the tread marks left on the bottom of the toilet.
THE GEE I WISH I COULD SHIT SHIT – Its the kind where you want to shit but all you do is sit on the toilet cramped and fart a few times.
THE SPINAL TAP SHIT – Thats the kind where it hurts so much coming out, youd swear it was leaving you sideways.
THE WET CHEECKS SHIT OR THE POWER DUMP – Thats the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
THE QUID SHIT – Thats the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splatters all over the inside of the toilet bowl, the whole time chronically burning your tender buns.
THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT – A class all its own.
THE OTTOMAS SHIT – The kind where the odor of the mess creeps out of the restroom and throughout the building to make the entire building sick or near evacuation. (This has been noted in several bowling alleys in the past few years.)
…leaving me wondering – just who comes up with these things?…
Dear Santa,
You must be surprised that Im writing to you today, the 31st of December.
Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. Im not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighbourhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbours. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.
What balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle and a pair of socks. What the FUCK were you thinking, you fat son of a bitch, that youve taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some SHIT like this under the tree. As if you hadnt fucked me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many toys that he cant even walk into his house.
Please dont let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year. Ill fuck you up. Ill throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so youll have to walk back to the fucking North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didnt get me that fucking bike.
FUCK YOU SANTA.
Next year youll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A-BITCH.
Sincerely,
Little Johnny
Why did the blonde put T.G.I.F. on her shoes? Toes Go In First!
A man came hobbling into the doctors waiting room, assisted by his wife. The poor bloke could hardly move. He was bent over and grimacing with pain as he shuffled along, his hands like two rigid claws.
The receptionist looked on sympathetically. Oh dear, she said. Arthritis with complications?
No, said the blokes wife. Do-it-yourself with concrete blocks.
There were three pigs and a blonde in a bar. The first pig asks: are blondes really stupid?
no: says the blonde.
The second pig asks:are blondes really stupid?
no:says the blonde
the third pig walks up to her and asks are blondes really stupid.
no: says the blonde
the third pig says: well…im gonna ask that burnette over there!!!!!
John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. Would you like a new Mink Coat? he asks.
Not really, says Mary.
Well how about a new Mercedes sports car? says John.
No, she responds.
What about a new vacation home in the country? he suggests.
She again rejects his offer with a No thanks.
Well what would you like for your anniversary? John asks.
John, Id like a divorce, answers Mary.
Sorry, I wasnt planning to spend that much, says John.
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
52. Send secret admirer notes on your roommates Email.
A man was complaining to his coworker about a terrible headache he was experiencing. The coworker said, When I have a bad headache, I just lay my head on my girlfriends bosom for a while, and it goes away. You really should try it.
The next day, the man with the headache said to his coworker, You know, your advice about how to get rid of my headache was great! After work last night, I did just exactly what you said, and my headache disappeared after just a little while! Oh, by the way, your girlfriend has a really nice apartment!
There were these three models going by air to a photo shoot, Elle Mcpherson, Cindy Crawford, and Naomi Campbell.
Halfway through the flight the plane had engine trouble, the pilot warned the girls to assume the crash position, just in case they went down.
Elle put on more make-up saying, They always rescued the beautiful ones first.
Cindy donned her jewelery claiming, They would rescue the richest one first, upon which Naomi, threw off all her clothes, pressing herself against the window saying Youre both wrong, the first thing they look for is the Black Box!