Old and New Jokes

As you are receiving my note by e-mail, its wise to remember how easily this
wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious
consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of
Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was
planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided
to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he
did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and
his note was directed instead to an elderly preachers wife whose husband had
passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor,
let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound,
her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL
TOMORROW.

P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE

Contrary to popular belief, Gods last name is not damn.

A man walks into a bar with his dog and puts the dog on a barstool. The bartender asks the man what he wants to drink.

Ill have a bourbon and Coke!

The man then turns to his dog and asks, What are you going to have, Rover?

Ill have a Scotch and soda – light on the soda, says Rover.

The bartender is skeptical about the dog talking. Come on, he says, that dog cant talk – youre a ventriloquist!

No, Rover can really talk! While I am in the restroom, you can have a conversation with him yourself – but dont let him out of your sight. He is a very valuable dog.

The man goes to the restroom. When he returns, the dog is gone.

Hey, wheres my dog? I told you not to let him out of your sight.

Aw, I didnt believe that Rover could talk, so I gave him a quarter and sent him to the drug store to buy me a paper.

Lets go look for him, said the man.

The two went to the drugstore – no Rover. They walked up and down nearby alleys and streets – no dog! Finally, they found Rover in an alley on top of another dog, pumping away.

Pointing his finger at Rover, the man says angrily, How come you are doing this? You have never done this before!

First time I ever had any money!

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME______________________________________

DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT____________ WEIGHT_____________ IQ__________

GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #____________________

DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_____________________________

HOME ADDRESS__________________________

CITY/STATE___________ ZIP_____

Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent?__________

If NO, explain_________________________________________

____________________________________________________

Number of years married________If less than your age,

Explain______________________________________________

____________________________________________________

Do you own a van?_____ A truck with oversized tires?_____

A waterbed?__________ A pickup with a mattress in the back?______

A condom?______ Pornography?_______ Do you have earring, nose ring,

or a belly button ring?________ A tattoo?___________

(IF YES TO THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES)

In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does DONT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you?

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

Church you attend______________________________________

How often you attend_______

When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, and

priest?_____________

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers

are confidential. (that means I wont tell anyone EVER)

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be

__________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my

__________________________________________________________

C: A womans place is in the

__________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is

__________________________________________________________

E: When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is

__________________________________________________________

NOTE: if answer E begins with T or A, discontinue. Leaving premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.

What do you want to do IF you grow up

__________________________________________________________________________

What is the current going rate of a hotel room?_______________

Condoms come in A: 3 B: 6 C: 9 D: 12 E: ALL OFTHE ABOVE

(circleone)

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN HAND TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

_______________________________________

Signature (that means sign your name moron)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably cant, and it would cause you injury) If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might watch your back).

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.



How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive! Washington, slapping Osama in the face.



Patrick Henry comes up from behind. You wanted to end the Americans liberty, so they gave you death! Henry punches Osama on the nose.



James Madison comes up next, and says This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense! He drops a large weight on Osamas knee.



Osama is subject to similar beatings from James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.



As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams – this is not what I was promised!



An angel replies I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you…

What the hell did you think I said?

John was a clerk in a small chemist shop but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Peter, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.



Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might, John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Peters warning he sold the man a box of laxative pills and told him to take them all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.



Peter had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had happened.



He wanted something for his cough but I couldnt find the cough syrup. So I substituted laxatives and told him to take them all at once, John said.



Laxatives wont cure a cough, Peter shouted angrily.



Sure they will, John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. Look at him! Hes too afraid to cough…

This family is sitting around the table and the kids have some meat in front of them and dont know wut it is. moms on the phone and says thanks for givin us the deer meat the kids love it but dont know wut it is. the dad says the name of the meat is something that ur mom calls me. the little boy says spit it out spit it out sister its asshole.

Little Leroy was starting his first day of third grade and the lesson for
that day was to form sentences using Ebonics. The teacher would give each
student a word and they would have to use it in a sentence.

Leroy?

Yea Ms. Johnson

Your word is contagious

Contagious?

Yes Leroy.

Leroy thought long and hard, and finally a sentence came to mind. Well?,
Miss Johnson said.

Leroy replied Evry time my mama gets olda, her contagious.

A doctor is standing in the hall of a hospital talking with a colleague when suddenly one of his patients runs down the hall in his hospital gown screaming at the top of his lungs.

Right behind the patient is a nurse carrying a pan of steaming, boiling-hot water, obviously chasing the patient.

The doctor interrupts his conversation with his colleague and shouts to the chasing nurse, Miss Jones, I said Prick his boil!

The last words of a chemist:

13. And now the detonating gas problem.

14. This is a completely save experimental setup.

15. Where did I put my gloves?

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com