Old and New Jokes

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. What are you doing? his mother asked. The box says you cant eat them if the seal is broken, the boy explained. Im looking for the seal.

How do you know when theres a railway strike in Ireland?

– Panic buying at the ticket office.

A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, I have to tell you something about your baby. The woman sits up in bed and says, Whats wrong with my baby, Doctor? Whats wrong?? The doctor says, Well, now, nothings wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite. The woman says, A hermaphrodite…. whats that??? The doctor says, Well, it means your baby has the… er… features…of a male and a female. The woman turns pale. She says, Oh my god! You mean it has a penis AND a brain?

Q: How many violists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: I dont know; they cant reach that high.

* Silicon-enhanced chests and lips reveal that humans are not only "as innovative as they are cruel," but pretty vain as well.* Wahlbergs neglect in removing his shirt through the entire film reveals his kinship with the teen demographic: BACKNE SUFFERERS.* Fox Marketing Department determined that the ideal garment for a young apes human pet is a peach-colored dress.* All inflamed baboon buttocks in the film were edited out.* Most extras were actually disgruntled gorillas out of work since the movie "Congo." * Kris Kristoffersons surly acting style is a result of the neverending pain of "Millenium"s failure at the box office. * The imagery of the Ape armys red tents taken straight from biblical writings dealing with how women were separated from the tribe during their periods. (Charlton Hestons idea.)* Helena Bonham Carters clothing came under-budget through some seamstress creativity and Rue McClanahans wardrobe. Her wildly trendy haircut however, accounted for %15 of the films budget.* According to ape acting union, the "Ape" Lincoln Memorial had to be scrubbed down with monkey feces in order to get rid of foul human odor. Submitted by: David J. Bleecker
E-mail: DBLEEKER@nyc.rr.com

Heard from a friend who heard it in Arkansas.

This man and this woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man
sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman cant believe
what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes
the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She cant believe that
such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again.
He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had
enough. She turns to the man and says, Three times youve sneezed, and
three times youve removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off!
What the hell kind of degenerate are you?

The man replies, I am sorry to have disturbed you, maam. I have a very rare
condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm. The woman then says,
Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?

The man looks at her and says, Pepper.

Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A: So he can ho-ho-ho.

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, Lord, I have a problem!

Whats the problem, Eve?



Lord, I know youve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but Im just not happy.



Why is that, Eve? came the reply from above.



Lord, I am lonely. And Im sick to death of apples.



Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.



Whats a man, Lord?



This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, hell give you a hard time. But, hell be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. Hell be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.



Sounds great, says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.



Yeah, well. Hes better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition.



Whats that, Lord?



Youll have to let him believe that I made him first.

10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.

9. Today is our what?

8. Okay, lets celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?

7. I thought we only celebrated important events?

6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.

5. You dont like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.

4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Heres a $5 gift certificate for McDonalds.

3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.

2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, Ill take you to Pizza Hut if itll shut ya up.

1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.

A little boy walks in on his parents having sex and says, “Oh no! What are you doing?”
His father tells him, “Were playing cards and your mother is my wild card.”
A week after that he walks in on his father masturbating. He says, “Oh my goodness! What are you doing?” His father says, “Im playing cards.” “Wheres your wild card?” the boy asks. His father replies, “Son, you dont need one when youve got a good hand.”