Old and New Jokes

(where pppphhhhhbbbttttt equals sticking you tongue between your
lips and blowing air. A pseudo Bronx cheer.)

A man walks into a bar with a Leprechaun on his shoulder. He walks
up the the bar and sets on down. He proceeds to order a beer for
himself and for the little Leprechaun.

Well, the guy and the Leprechaun drink about two beers when finally
the Leprechaun jumps down off the guys shoulder, trots down the bar
and stands in front of a rather large construction worker. He looks
at the construction worker and goes, ppphhhbbbttttttt right to the
big guys face.

Well the Leprechaun trots on back on hops back onto his buddys shoulder.
The construction worker is a little ticked, but decides to shine on
this breach of manners.

After another beer and a half though, the Leprechaun hops down and
again goes in front of the construction worker and goes, ppphhhbbbbttt
to the construction workers face.

The Leprechaun trots on back and hops back on his buddys shoulder.
The construction worker is visibly bothered, but decides not to
do anything again.

Well sure enough, the guy and the Leprechaun drink another beer.
Soon enough the Leprechaun hops down, trots in front of the construction
worker and goes, pppphhhhbbbttttt! to his face. Well, this time the
big guy has had enough of the little guys manners and walks over
to the fellow with the Leprechaun, again on his shoulder.

The construction worker tells this fella, If your little friend
does that again, Im gonna cut off his little dick! The fellow
tells the big guy Well Leprechauns dont have dicks. The big
guy asks, Well how does he go pee? The fellow with the Leprechaun
on his shoulder looks at the big guy and goes, ppppphhhhbbbbtttttt.

Where do you find a tortoise with no legs?

Right where you left him…

Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC?
ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers, numbers will become letters, and lower-case letters will become upper-case. The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: Who cares? It doesnt really matter if theyre on the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. Its all the same. The Mac users explanation: All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go to straight to PC hell. If youre using a PC, you can probably see the deleted characters, because youre in PC hell also. Stephen Kings explanation: Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor, unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah! The Christian Churchs approach to characters: The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words, such as "breast," "sex," and contraception." Dave Barrys explanation: The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where theyre made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable, while cheap imitations are not flammable. Im not making this up. IBMs explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life. PETAs (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation: Youve been DELETING them??? Cant you hear them SCREAMING??? Why dont you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!

Diapers and congressmen need to be changed frequently for much the same reason.

A young couple gets caught making out in a car park buy a cop.

The cop says, What do you think youre doing?

The guys says, Officer, were just necking.

The cop says, Yeah? Then you better put your neck back in your pants and get the hell out of here.

Two wiseguys go into a country pub, they call the landlord over and ask him to settle an argument.

Are there two pints in a quart, or four? asked one.

There are two pints in a quart confirmed the landlord.

They moved along the bar to where the barmaid was and she asked for their order.

Two pints please Miss, and they are on the house.

When the barmaid appeared to doubt her boss would dispense free beer, one of the lads called out to the publican at the other end of the bar: You did say two pints, didnt you?

Thats right, called the landlord, two pints.

A little Johnny was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer.

The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to discipline the child.

Arent you a little young to be drinking, son? he asked.

Aw, that aint no big deal, the kid said after taking a swig of beer. I got a tattoo when I was three.

What? How did that happen?

I don’t remember. I was drunk!

There is a red head hoping around town saying 51, 51 ,51 and a blonde walks up and says can i play the red head sayd shere so they are hoping around town saying 51, 51, 51, and the blonde gets hit by a truck and the red head says 52, 52, 52, 52.

Adlers Distinction: Language is all that separates us from the lower animals, and from the bureaucrats.

This is an actual job application someone submitted for a fast-food establishment:

APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatevers available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldnt be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If thats not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility

SALARY: Less than Im worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but theyre better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be Do you have a car that runs?

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks Im the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, Id like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.