Old and New Jokes

Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while hes drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, Did you see what your monkey just did? The guy says, No, what? He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!, says the bartender. Yeah, that doesnt surprise me, replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Ill pay for the cue ball and stuff. He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later hes in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. Did you see what your monkey did now?, he asks.

Now what?, responds the patron.

Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it! says the barkeeper.

Yeah, that doesnt surprise me, replied the patron. He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!

10. New assimilation software turned out to be vaporware; back to square one when the suppliers 1-800 number was disconnected.
9. Assimilation of Locutus caused chaos as the Borg became caught up in a massive Sam Spade adventure game craze.
8. If Earth were assimilated, the commute from Borg home planet would be a killer drive.
7. Collective Borg decided a cube was to complicated a form – awaiting building of a new pyramid ship.
6. Earth was too blue for their tastes; they were hoping for an emerald green planet, something in a teal, with tasteful lavender clouds.
5. Bidding war for exclusive appearance in Coke or Pepsi commercials too agonizing a choice… returned home to rebuild decision circuits.
4. Earth too close to the sun… would ruin their cultivated pallor.
3. They heard that Worf bragged of personally kicking their butts if they showed their face in the sector again… began laughing for first time, havent stopped yet.
2. $29 navigation chip failed… they now have NO idea where Earth is… wandering out by the Cardassians, asking directions.

   And the number one reason the Borg havent returned to Earth….

1. WESLEY CRUSHER

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ketchup!
Ketchup who?
Ketchup the tree again!

Yo mama has 10 fingers–all on the same hand.

I think that I shall never see a hazard rougher than an tree;

A tree oer which my ball must fly if on the green it is to lie;

A tree which stands that green to guard, and makes the shot extremely hard;

A tree whose leafy arms extend to kill the six iron shot I send;

A tree that stands in silence there, while angry golfers rave and swear.

Irons were made for fools like me who cannot ever miss a tree.

Our staff has completed the 3 years of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system.

We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the Y-to-K date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect the following new standards:



Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December



and…:



Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak



I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00?



Well await your direction.

Geologists do not dress for success unless they are trying to convince others that they are going on interviews.

You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. Youll learn a lot today.

Whats the dumbest part of a mans body?

His penis. It has a head without a brain, it swings with two nuts, and it lives right around the corner from an asshole.