The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him.The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. Aha!
mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. Aha! said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors.Snip-snip-snip-snip on the rightside… then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching.The doctor said, How does that feel now? The midget replied, Perfect Doc, and I didnt even feel it. What did you do?The doctor replied I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots.
A cub reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on his first assignment one day. He submitted the following report to his editor.
Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her breasts.
The Editor scolded the new reporter, saying. This is a family paper. We dont use words like breasts around here. Now go back and write something more appropiate!
The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed the Editor the following report. Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( . )( . )
You might be a redneck if…
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
Youve ever been arrested for loitering.
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors douvre.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
Youve ever shot anyone for looking at you.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your momma has ammo on her Christmas list.
Support mental health or Ill kill you.
(This one leaked out of Microsoft the other day. I didnt save the
original)
Two male engineering students meet each other on campus. One says to
the other, Hi Bill, Where did you get that new bike? Bill replies,
Well, I was walking to class the other day when this pretty co-ed
rode up, jumped off her bike, took off all her clothes and said You
can have anything you want!
Good idea, Bills friend replied. Her clothes probably wouldnt
have fit you anyway.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Hot Air!
Hot Air who?
Hot air pardner, how ya doin?
For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill.
CHICAGO – The American Civil Liberties Union announced today that it was
bringing a lawsuit against Santa Claus for violations of the civil rights
of children. An ACLU spokesman, Mr. E. Scrooge, stated that, Mr. Claus
has been violating childrens right to privacy and has been putting that
information in a vast database. The information is then used by the law
enforcement arm of Mr. Claus organization to determine which children are
considered naughty or nice. It is obvious Mr. Claus has violated the
childrens rights, as we have alleged in our suit, because of the memos and
other company information we have obtained. In addition, we believe Mr.
Claus has been engaging in mind control experiments designed to prevent the
free expression of beliefs.
Among the documents presented to the courts today was a memo which reads,
in part:
You better watch out.
You better not cry.
You better not pout.
Im telling you why:
Santa Claus is coming to town.
He sees you when you are sleeping
He knows when youre awake,
He knows when youve been bad or good,
So be good for goodness sake.
Mr. Scrooge claimed the document, was obtained from a worker in the
distribution department of Mr. Claus organization, clearly shows a
concerted attempt to restrict the rights of children to free expression
and free thought. In addition, there are concerns about the security of
the information. What would be the result of such a database being made
available to other law enforcement agencies around the world?
Lawyers at the Justice also confirmed today that they were
investigating the possibility that Mr. Claus was at the core of a vast
conspiracy against children. Anonymous sources from inside the Justice
Department stated that, We believe a large number of parents, ministers,
and teachers are involved in this business, and we expect several of them
will testify for the State in return for a lighter sentence. In
addition, the same sources indicated a parallel investigation by the
Department and the FBI on possible charges of smuggling on the part of
Mr. Claus, our records do not show Mr. Claus, or any one else, paying
any import duties or taxes on any items he has delivered. Since Mr.
Claus has representatives in all of the States of the Union, we believe
he should have to pay state and local taxes on all of the goods he
delivers.
Lawyers for Mr. Claus stated, The charges of the ACLU are absurd.
Mr. Claus is a well-known and highly-respected figure. His supporters
are from around the world and his message of love and respect can, in no
way, be taken as a for of mind control or a violation of the civil
rights of children.
The lawsuit is complicated by the fact that Mr. Claus is not a
resident of the United States or any country with which the United States
currently has an extradition treaty. It is unknown where Mr. Claus is at
the moment, but it is believed he is hiding out at his North Pole estate.
In a brief statement, read by his lawyer, Mr. Claus said, I find the
charges of the ACLU absurd and am confident they will be rejected by the
courts. As for any criminal charges, I believe the Justice Department
will discover they have no basis.
Experts are uncertain what possible effect the suit or possible
pending charges might have on Mr. Claus Christmas travels this year.
The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues. In a couple of days Mr. Steinbergs physician comes into his room and says, Sol, Im happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. Were going to send you home tomorrow. You dont have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like. Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife: Doris, youll never believe it: Im completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like youve never had before, wild, passionate sex….youll love it! Doris thinks for a minute and says, I dont know, Sol. Ive heard about active sex and heart conditions. I dont want it to be on my head if you croak while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was OK… maybe I would have such sex with you…. Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctors office; his doctor tells him, Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, Ill write the note. Lets see, heres my prescription pad: Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz……. Now, Ill just address this……. By the way, Sol, whats your wifes first name? Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, To Whom It May Concern?
Q: What does a canniball do after he dumps his girlfriend?
A: He wipes his butt.