Old and New Jokes

Un borracho está tratando de abrir la puerta de su casa, cuando, de pronto, llega la policía y le cuestiona por qué está tratando de entrar a ese lugar.

¡Pero si ésta es mi casa!, se defiende con voz estropajosa el temulento.

Para aclarar las cosas, hace pasar a los agentes del orden, señalándoles:

Ven esos muebles: son mis muebles, yo los compré. Ven ese televisor: es mío, yo lo compré.

Luego, los hace pasar al dormitorio matrimonial:

Ven a esa mujer que está durmiendo en mi cama: esa es mi esposa. Y ven al que está durmiendo con ella: ese soy yo.

Whats the first thing they teach at French military academies?

How to say I surrender! in German.

A3: Because they are easier to find in the dark.

The Alaska Department of Fish and Game recently issued this bulletin…

"Warning: In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.
We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on their clothing, so as not to startle bears that arent expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear manure: Black bear manure is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear manure has little bells in it and smells like pepper."

In a Bangkok dry-cleaners shop: Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Hong Kong dress shop: Ladies have fits upstairs.
In a Copenhagen airline office: We take your bags & send them in all directions.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend your afternoon having a good time.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride own your own ass?

There are three kinds of people in the world – those who can count and those who cant.

Q. What did King Kong say to Oprah Winfrey?
A. Is it in?

For years and years they told me, Be careful of your breasts. Dont ever squeeze or bruise them. And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings, And protected them by law. Guarded them very carefully, And I always wore my bra.



After 30 years of astute care, My doctor found a lump. She ordered up a mammogram, To look inside that bump. Stand up very close she said. As she got my boob in line, And tell me when it hurts she said. Ah yes! There, thats fine.



She stepped upon a pedal. I could not believe my eyes! A plastic plate pressed down and down, My boob was in a vise!



My skin was stretched and stretched, From way up under my chin. My poor boob was being squashed, To Swedish pancake thin.



Excruciating pain I felt. Within its vice-like grip. A prisoner in this viscous thing, My poor defenseless tit!



Take a deep breath she said to me, Who does she think shes kidding? My chest is mashed in her machine, And woozy I am getting.



There, that was good, I heard her say As the room was slowly swaying. Now, lets have a go at the other one. Lord have mercy I was praying.



It squeezed me from up and down. It squeezed me from both sides. Ill bet shes never had this done, Not to her tender little hide!



If I had no problem when I came in, I surely have one now. If there had been a cyst in there, It would have popped, ker-pow!



This machine was created by a man, Of this, I have no doubt. Id like to stick his balls in there, And see how they come out!

This following poem is composed entirely of actual quotes from George W. Bush.

Make the Pie Higher

I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
Its a world of madmen
And uncertainty
And potential mental losses.

Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the internet
Become more few?
How many hands have I shaked?

They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.
I know that the human being and the fish
Can coexist.

Families is where our nation finds hope
Where our wings take dream.
Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher!
Make the pie higher!

A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.