Old and New Jokes

Thanks, Mr. President, but Ive already met the delegate from the great state of your pants.
No, no – our *good* billionaires give millions out of pure unselfish patriotism! Its their *evil* billionaires who are trying to buy the government!
As distinguished senior senator from the great state of Massachusetts, I hereby nominate the junior delegate from Vermont to go fetch a pitcher of margaritas.
Come quick! Jesses gonna try rhyming Lieberman!
Im sorry, Mrs. Clinton. I know L.A. is much warmer than New York, but its too late to re-invent yourself as a half-Mexican Dodger fan.
This really *is* the party of diversity – check out the Klingon delegates!
Mr. Bushs record is inconsequential He lacks any credential for executive potential Its an illusion when he appears presidential Which makes the election of Al Gore essential!
Thank you, Mr. Beatty.
Given the lack of personality factor, do you think we can digitally add a bong in his hand somewhere in the Years in Viet Nam clip?
Come on, Karenna. Oh, yes! Whos your President? Whos your President?
We, the representatives of the great state of Mississippi, are proud to nominate the tall fella, second on the left, and his little Jew friend there.
You cant swing a cat in here without hitting a Kennedy – not that the PETA delegates would let you do it anyway.
Are you feeling OK, Mr. Carter? Youre sure? No numbness or tingling? Youre positive?
Mr. Chairman, the Great State of Tennessee, birthplace of the Internet, first in lackluster personalities, an innovative leader for fundraising with Buddhist monks, and friendlier to Jews than we used to be, nominates its favorite son … Al Gore!
Ms. Streisand says your times up. Im afraid Ill have to ask you to leave the stage now, Mr. Gore.
Well, one night Tipper and I were discussing Disney movies in Hell, and these are some of the examples we came up with…
Follow me to the ladies room and hurry – Hillarys doing her pee standing up trick!

and Topfive.coms Number 1 Thing Overheard at the Democratic National Convention …

Whos this Al Gore guy everyone keeps talking about?

Rumination of the Day

If your hand offends thee, cut it off. If your other hand offends thee, better learn to live with it or youll have to train a monkey to wipe your butt. (Rolf Lundgren)

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]

Yo mamas like a hockey puck, she gets passed around to all the players.

Yo mama is so stupid that when you were born you came out butt first and your mama said, Oh look! twins!

Your momma is so stupid she got locked in a grocery store, and starved.

Yo mama so stupid, she returned a donut because it had a hole in it!

Yo mamas so fat, when she goes to Taco Bell, they run for the border !!

Yo mama has so many chins, it looks like shes wearing a fat necklace !!

Yo Mamas so fat, every time she goes outside wearing her yellow rain coat, everyone goes, Look, its the Magic School Bus!

Yo Mamas so hairy every time she steps outside, everyone goes, Look, its King Kong!!!!

yo mamas o fat she supplies 99% of British gas.

yo mama so fat when she stepped on the scale it said to be continued….

Yo Momma so black when she goes swimming, people think shes an oil spill.

yo mama is so fat, she can sit on a t3 cable and make the internet traffic slow right down to 1 bit per day.

Yo Mamas so fat she sank the Titanic!

Yo mamas so stupid that she burned down the house with a CD burner.

Yo mamas house is so small you have to go outside to change your mind.

yo mamas like a fairground ride….everyone gets a go.

yo mama is so scary she walked into a ghost house and got a job

Yo mama so dumb she thought a big mac was a fat pimp

Yo mama is so fat, when she goes to the beach, Greenpeace wants to push her back in the sea!

yo mama is so fat, when she went to sea world, everyone paid to see her, not the whales

Yo momma couldnt integrate a nested trig function, even if you let her use a computer

Yo mama is so stupid she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the Ws

When she joined an ugly contest, they said Sorry, no professionals.

She thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican Phone Company.

Yo mamas so stupid, she ordered a cheeseburger without the cheese.

Yo mamas so stupid she cant pass a blood test.

Yo mamas so dumb she brought a spoon to the Super-Bowl.

Yo mamas so fat she was baptized in Sea World.

Why are Blondes like railroad tracks?

Because they are famous for getting laid all over the world!!!

Every time a new Pope is elected, there are many rituals and ceremonies to perform, in accordance with tradition.

But theres one tradition that very few people know about…
Shortly after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi seeks an audience. He is shown into the Popes presence, whereupon he presents him with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled parchment envelope. The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection. The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is elected.

John Paul II was intrigued by this ritual, whose origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was shown into his presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, he called him back.

My brother, the Holy Father whispered, I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?

The Chief Rabbi shrugs and replies: But we have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the mists of ancient history.

The Pope said: Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of wine together, then, with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover at last the secret. The Chief Rabbi agreed.

Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper. As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it. They both gasped with shock.

It was the check for the Last Supper.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Jamaica!
Jamaica who?
Jamaica mistake!

A man stayed in his house as a flood engulfed his town. Two men in a
rowboat came to his house and offered to take him to safety. No thank you,
the man said, G-d will help me. As the waters rose, the man retreated to
the second story of his house. Now, two men in a motorboat came by and offered
to rescue him. Again, the man declined, saying, No thank you, G-d will
help me. As the waters rose still higher, the man retreated again to the
rooftop of his house. A helicopter came by, and someone inside it threw down
a rope, urging the man to grab it and be pulled up into the helicopter. Once
more, the man declined and said, No thank you, G-d will help me. Whereupon
a mighty voice called out to the man, You idiot! I sent you a rowboat,
a motorboat, and now a helicopter. What more do you want me to do?.

When she is pregnant with a boy.

Source: Colleague at University of Idaho

Did you hear about the 10-year old boy who asked his recently
divorced mother her age? She told him that was not a question to
ask and that he shouldnt ask it again.

He then asked her her weight. She, once again, told him that she
wouldnt answer the question and that he shouldnt ask it again.

The next question he asked was why she and Daddy got divorced.
Once again, she told him that it was not a question he should ask and
to not ask that question again. He went away.

A few minutes later, she found him digging in her purse.
She asked what he was doing and as he turned toward his mother, he
beamingly told her he had found all the answers to his questions by
looking at her drivers license.

He said, Mother, youre 34 years old, weigh 125 pounds and Daddy
divorced you because you got an F in sex.

Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?

A: They make good ankle warmers.

Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in
front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees The President Must Go written
in urine across the snow.

Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staffs HQ, and
yells, Somebody wrote a threat in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they
wrote it in urine! Son-of-a-bitch had to be standing right on the porch when he
did it! Where were you guys?! The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly
at the floor. Bill hollers, Well dammit, dont just sit there! Get out and
find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight! The
entire staff immediately jumps up and races for the exits.

Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says, Well
Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do
you want first?

Clinton says, Oh hell, give me the bad news first.

The officer says, Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The
results just came back, and it was Al Gores urine.

Clinton says, Oh my god, I feel so… so… betrayed! My own Vice President!
Damn….Well, whats the really bad news?

The officer replies, Well sir, its Hillarys handwriting.