Old and New Jokes

Phillippe-flop

Seen on a bumper sticker:

Let us pray for President Clinton: Psalm 109:8

Psalm 109:8

O Lord,

May his days be few,

and let another take his office.

– Psalm 109:8 (KJV)

Dictionary of Evaluation Comments

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.

Q: How can you tell the difference between a straight rodeo and a gay rodeo?
A: At a straight rodeo they yell Ride them suckers!

How do you make a blonde go crazy?

Place them in a round room, and tell them to stand in the corner!

National Public Radio sent Scott Simon to Bosnia to cover the war. He did one piece on humor in Bosnia, much of which is black humor. Here are the ones I remember.

Cigarettes are in very short supply. A man had put the unsmoked half of his cigarette over his ear.

He was running between buildings with a friend when a sniper opened up on them. He was hit a glancing blow which sheared off his ear. He stopped frantically in the middle of the street looking at the ground.

His friend yelled, Get under cover, you fool. Youve got two ears.

He replied, Its not the ear that is in question, it is the cigarette.

A man was in one of the long queues for water when he broke wind.

The woman standing behind him put a stern hand on his shoulder, turned him around and demanded, Where did you get beans?

The line going about now is that if Jesus were to appear in Sarajevo, carrying his cross, people would come out from hiding to approach him, asking, Where did you get all that wood?

What Exactly Is Marriage?

Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and dont have to give her back to her parents
-Eric, AGE 6

When somebodys been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, Ill take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me. Then she says yes, but shes wondering what the thing is and whether its naughty or not. She cant wait to find out.
-Anita, AGE 9

How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?

You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one.
-Kelly, AGE 9

My mother says to look for a man who is kind….Thats what Ill do….Ill find somebody whos kinda tall and handsome.
-Carolyn, AGE 8

Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married.

Eighty-four Because at that age, you dont have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom.
-Carolyn, AGE 8

Once Im done with kindergarten, Im going to find me a wife
-Bert, AGE 5

How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?

They were at a dance party at a friends house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down…It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values.
-Lottie, AGE 9

My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They wont tell me what kind.
-Jeremy, AGE 8

What Do Most People Do on a Date?

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-Martin, AGE 10

Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love.
-Craig, AGE 9

When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?

You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, cause shell want to have videos of the wedding.
-Allan, AGE 10

Never kiss in front of other people. Its a big embarrassing thing

Yo mama so hairy she wears a Nike tag on her weave so now everybody calls her Hair Jordan.

Bill Stains (noted folksinger and songwriter) tells this one:

Two mice are being chased across a field by a wolf.

They duck into a small space between a couple of rocks and find themselves in a large cave. As their eyes get used to the dim light one of them looks up at the high ceiling and sees that its covered with bats.

He tugs on his companions shoulder and says, Look! Angles.

Yo mama lips so big, Chap Stick had to invent a spray.