Old and New Jokes

What did the gynocologist say to his wife when he got home?

Im Bushed!

Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as every other law in the universe? Here are a few examples:

1. A childs eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to the ability to actually do the work involved.

2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.

3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.

4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.

5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.

6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.

7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers.

8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature.

9. The capacity of any hot water heater is equal to one and one-half sibling showers.

10.What goes up must come down, except for bubble gum, kites and slightly used Rice Krispies.

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in
his ass.

He says, Howd you get a cork in your ass?

The other guy says, I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp.
There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He
said, I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish. And I said, No
shit!

An official staff visit by LTG Claus is expected at this post on 25 Dec. The following directives govern activities of all Army personnel during the visit.

Not a creature will stir without permission. This includes warrant officers and mice. Soldiers may obtain special stirring permits for necessary administrative action through the Battalion S-1. Officer stirring permits must be obtained through the Deputy, Post Plans and Policy Office.

All personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap NLT 2200 hours, 24 December. Uniform for the nap will be; Pajamas, Cotton, Light Weight, General Purpose, OG, and Cap, BDU woodland pattern, with ear flaps in the extended position. Equipment will be drawn from the supply room prior to 1900 hours. While at supply, all personnel will review their personal hand receipts and sign a Cash Collection Voucher, DD Form 1131, for all missing items. Remember, this is the season of giving.

Personnel will utilize standard T ration sugar plums for visions to dance through their heads. Sugar plums are available in T ration sundry packs and should be eaten with egg loaf, chopped ham, and spice cake to ensure maximum visions are experienced.

Stockings, Wool, Cushion Sole, will be hung by the chimneys with care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fires caused by carelessly hung stockings. 1SGs will submit stocking handling plans to S-3, Training prior to 0800 hours, 24 Dec. All leaders will ensure their subordinate personnel are briefed on the safety aspects of stocking hanging.

At first [sign] of clatter, all personnel will spring from their beds to investigate and evaluate the cause. Immediate action will be taken to tear open the shutters and throw up the window sashes.On order OPLAN 7-97 (North Pole), para 6-8 (c)(3), dated 4 March, this office, takes effect to facilitate shutter tearing and sash throwing. SDO and all CQs will be familiar with procedures and are responsible for seeing that no shutters are torn or sashes thrown in Bldg 9828 prior to the start of official clatter.

Prior to 0001, date of visit, all personnel possessing Standard Target Acquisition and Night Observation (STANO) equipment will be assigned wandering eyeball stations. The SDNCO will ensure that these stations are adequately manned even after shutters are torn and sashes are thrown.

The Battalion S-4, in coordination with the National Security Agency and the Motor Pool will assign on each Sleigh, Miniature, M-24 and eight reindeer, tiny, for use by LTG Claus. The assigned driver must have a current sleigh operators license with roof top permit and evidence of attendance at the winter driving class stamped on his DA Form 348. Driver must also be able to clearly shout, On Dancer, On Prancer, etc.

LTG Claus will initially enter Bldg 9828 through the dayroom. All offices without chimneys will draw Chimney Simulator, M6A2 for use during the visit. Draw chimney simulator on DA Form 2765-1 which will be submitted in four copies to the S-4 prior to 23 Dec. Personnel will ensure that chimneys are properly cleaned before turn-in at the conclusion of visit.

Personnel will be rehearsed in the shouting of, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year or, Merry Christmas To All and To All a Good Night. This shout will be given upon termination of the visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of each section NCOIC.

FOR THE COMMANDER

GOODE, U. B., LTC, OD

Executive Officer

Bill Clinton virus – System makes lots of noise, but nothing happens.

Q: How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A: 50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him.

Q: Did you hear about the new automatic parachutes, invented by a blond?

A: They open on impact.

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night waiting for her date. She wanted to make sure everything was perfect.

So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.

Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands Stop That!.

The waiter looks at her dryly and says Sure lady, which way is it headed?

Un señor entra a trabajar a una fábrica y el supervisor le explica su tarea:

Usted atenderá esta máquina, que es la más moderna fabricadora de clavos. Con la mano izquierda mueve esta palanca que hace ingresar el alambrón a la máquina. Con la mano derecha acciona esta palanca que corta el alambrón a la medida del clavo. Con el pie izquierdo aprieta este pedal que acciona el afilador de puntas del clavo. Con el pie derecho aprieta este pedal que hace las cabezas de los clavos. Con su cabeza presiona este control que empaqueta los clavos.

Al rato, el supervisor vuelve a ver al candidato, que está muy ocupado moviendo todas sus extremidades con gran dinamismo.

¿Todo bien, le pregunta.

Perfecto ¿por qué no me coloca una escobita en el culo, así de paso puedo ir barriendo el piso?

The Week Before Christmas



Twas the week before Christmas and all through the school

Not a pupil was silent, no matter what rule.

The children were busy with paper and paste

The mess that they made with it couldnt be faced.



The teacher half frantic and almost in tears,

Had just settled down to work with her dears,

When out in the hall there arose such a clatter

up sprang the kids to see what was the matter!



Away to the door they all flew like a flash

The one who was leading went down with a crash.

Then what to their wondering eyes did appear

But a green Christmas tree! (To decorate I fear!)



When the teacher saw this, she almost grew sick.

She knew in a moment it must be Old Nick!

She ran to the door (all her efforts were vain)

But she shouted, and stamped, and she called them by name





Now Tommy! Now Sandy, Now Judy and Harry!

Stop Billy! Stop Robert! Stop Donny and Sherry!

Now get to your places get away from the hall

Now get away! Get away! Get away all!





As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly

The pupils, pell mell, started scurrying by.

They ran to the blackboard and skipped down the aisle

Their faces were shining and each had a smile.



First came a basket of popcorn to string

-Then came the Christmas tree (menacing thing).

As the tree was brought in there arose a great shout

The pupils were merrily romping about.



The state they were in could lead to a riot

The teacher was sure, if allowed, they would try it.

Her nerves how they jangled! Her temples were throbbing!

The rush of her breath sounded almost like sobbing!



The lines of her face were as fixed as a mask

It was plain that she didnt feel up to her task.

The look in her eye would have tamed a wild steer,

But the children ignored it they did every year.



A tear from her eye and a shake of her head

Soon led me to think that she wished she were dead.

She spoke not a word but went straight to her work,

Strung all the popcorn which broke with a jerk.



But at last it was finished and placed on the tree

Then came the bell and the children were free.

Their shrill little voices soon faded away

And peace was restored at the end of the day.

As she looked at the Christmas tree glistening and tall,

She smiled as she whispered, Merry Christmas to all!