Old and New Jokes

Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the
room spins.

Id explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didnt know what to do with him.
Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked whats wrong? The head nurse replied, We dont know what to do with this baby boy. So the chief surgeon took one look and said, Well its obvious that you should put him into a mental institution. Why, asked the head nurse. Well, replied the chief surgeon, take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts.

How do you describe a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?

Its a guy who sits up all night wondering if there is a dog or not.

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar… FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender replies Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you cant make a face while doing it. Second, theres a gator out back with a sore tooth…you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, theres a woman up-stairs whos never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her. The guy says, Well, as much as I would love free beer, I wont do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, Wherez zat teeqeelah?

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

Now he says Wheres that woman with the sore tooth?

Q: Why did God give us alcohol?

A: So ugly people can have sex too.

Ive heard theres a new programming language out from University of Tennessee. Its called Algor.

There are some problems with it though. The syntax is very formal and inflexible. And its not a very powerful language either, since it wont allow you to alter the operating environment. Its survival is also partially dependent upon an even slower and lower quality language called Blinton.

Personally, I dont think either will be around in four years.

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race. The starters gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool. The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out; 20 minutes later the blonde reaches the end and gets out. The judge says, The gold medal goes to the brunette, the silver medal goes to the redhead, and the bronze goes to the blonde. The blonde says, I dont want to be a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their arms.

Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all evil.

People who push both elevator buttons should get their wish.