Old and New Jokes

1. I bought that truck new.
2. I won this belt buckle in the rodeo.
3. I was just helping that sheep get over the fence.

Q: What does a blonde do when it gets cold?
A: Sits around a candle Q: What does she do when it gets really cold?
A: Lights it

Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?

A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

Jill went to her doctor for a check-up. when asked how she got the bruises on the outside of her thighs, she explained that she got them from having sex.

The doctor then told her she would have to change positions until the bruises healed.

Jill replied Oh doctor, I cant… my dogs breath is just murder.

Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called Divorced Barbie?



Yeah, it comes with all of Kens stuff.

Step 1: Go buy a turkey

Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch)



Step 3: Put turkey in the oven



Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey



Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens



Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink



Step 7: Turn oven the on



Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky



Step 9: Turk the bastey



Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get



Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer



Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey



Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours



Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey



Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey



Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick



Step 17: Turk the carvey



Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch



Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey



Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
Ride those little electronic cars/dinosaurs at the front of the store.
Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, I think weve got a Code 3 in Housewares, and see what happens.
Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to 10.
Play with the automatic doors.
Walk up to complete strangers and say, Hi! I havent seen you in so long!… etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, Who BUYS this crap, anyway?
Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim youre taking it for a test drive.
Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, Wow. Magic!
Put M&Ms on layaway.
Move Caution: Wet Floor signs to carpeted areas.
Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others youll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from the other aisles.
Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, …Im Batman. Come, Robin–to the Batcave!
TP as much of the store as possible.
Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
Play with the calculators so that they all spell hell upside down.
When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, Why wont you people just leave me alone?
When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, Red Rover!
Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., Do you have any Shnerples here?
Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
Take bets on the battle described above.
Nonchalantly test the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
Hold indoor shopping cart races.
Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission: Impossible.
Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
Say things like, Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?
Set up a Valet Parking sign in front of the store.
Two words: Marco Polo.
Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
Re-alphabetize the CDs in Electronics.
In the auto department, practice your Madonna look with various funnels.
When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, No, no! Its those voices again!
Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you dont get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
Hide little stuffed beavers all over the store, then announce to about ten friends BEAVER HUNT!. You can then go around asking people if they have seen a little beaver.
Ask for a product that requires a ladder to get down. Look at it a fewseconds after the employee climbs down, then hand it to them and say thank you.
Ask for wierd combinations of things like yard-gnomes and vaseline.
Get a leash and collar from Pets and take a friend for walkies.

Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say, Not bad, but I couldve done better.

Un tipo llega a su casa todo arrecho y le susurra a su mujer:

Amor, hoy hagamos algo nuevo, ¿qué te parece si lo hacemos por el oído?

¿Qué? ¿Estás loco? ¿Quieres que me quede sorda?

¿Y cuándo te quedaste muda?

Three guys were stranded on an Island. one was named justin, one timmy, and one eric. the men came across a genies lamp and wished to go off the island. the genie agreed but said you must bring me one piece of fruit by this time tomarrow. they agreeded and came back with fruit. the first man brought a bananna and the genie said if i can shove this up your ass without you making any noise, you can leave. so the genie started and the man laughed half way up. the genie said why did you laugh? the man said it tickled. the second guy, timmy, brought back grapes. the genie started and with one grape left timmy busted up laughing and the genie said why did you laugh? and timmy said beecuase i just saw eric coming around the corner with a watermelon.