Old and New Jokes

You dont have to be insane to be a liberal,… but it helps.

Honey, I Shrunk My Penis

Its the Great Penis, Charlie Brown

Stop, or My Penis Will Shoot

Boy, Did I Get a Wrong Penis

Whos Harry Penis

Not With My Penis, You Dont

Tell them Penis Boy is Here

The Penises are Coming, The Penises are Coming

Penn and Teller Get Penis

Big Penis for the Little Lady

Pardon Mon Penis

On Hers Majestys Secret Penis

Mr. Mikes Mondo Peniso

The Man With Bogarts Penis

The Man with one Red Penis

The Tall Blond Man With One Black Penis

Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream Penis

Love With the Proper Penis

George Carlin— Playin with Your Penis

To Wong Foo, Thanks For Penis, Julie Newmar

Can I Do it til I Need Penis?

Penishead Revisited

Big Girls Dont Cry..They Get Penis

The Favor, the Watch, and the Very Big Penis

JoJo Dancer, Your Penis is Calling

The Last Action Penis

Die Hard with a Penis

A Hard Penis Night

Hard Penis to Hawaii

Seven Brides for Seven Penises

A Clear and Present Penis

The Englishman who Went up a Penis and Came

Au Revior, Le Penis

Long Days Penis into Night

Quackser Fortune has a Penis in the Bronx

Looking for Mr. Goodpenis

Bring me the Penis of Alfredo Garcia

Penis on a Hot Tin Roof

Alan Quartermain and the Lost Penis of Gold

Willy Wonka and the Penis Factory

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Penis

Winnie the Pooh and Penis, Too

Penis in a Girls Dormitory

Manos, The Penis of Fate

Under the Cherry Penis

A Penis Grows in Brooklyn

The Unbearable Lightness of Penis

The Long, Hot Penis

Revenge of the Pink Penis

Promise her Penis

The Penis Always Rings Twice

Big Penis Pee-Wee

Big Penis in Little China

Peggy Sue Got Penis

Penis Beach Party

Ferris Buellers Penis Off

On a Clear Day, You Can See Penis

An Officer and a Penis

One Penis in the Life of Ivan Denisovich

Oh Penis, Poor Penis, Mammas Hung You in the Closet and Im Feeling so Sad

The Night the Penis Went Out in Georgia

Night of the Living Penis

The Penis that Roared

Much Ado About Penis

My Dinner With Penis

My Favorite Penis

The Muppets Take Penis

The Milagro Penis War

The Penis Who Loved Cat Dancing

The Man Who Loved Cat Penis

The Penis Who Had Power over Women

The Penis They Could not Hang

The Man who Loved Penis

The Discreet Penis of the Bourgeoisie

The Penis of the Finzi-Continis

Extraordinary Adventures of Mr Penis in the Land of the Bolsheviks

Lets Penis Jessica to Death

I Was a Penis for the FBI

The Penis is a Lonely Hunter

The Greatest Penis on Earth

The Penis According to St. Matthew

Gentlemen Prefer Penis

Edward Penishands

Dont Raise the Penis, Lower the Water

The Day the Penis Stood Still

The Cook, the Thief, His Penis, and Her Lover

Children Shouldnt Play with Dead Penises

Blame it on Penis

Attack of the 50 Foot Penis

Cada año, un Rabí Judío, después de la Semana Santa se presentaba ante el Papa y le entregaba un sobre sellado viejísimo y amarillo. El Papa lo cogía, lo veía y se lo entregaba de nuevo al Rabí. Esto había tenido lugar por casi 2,000 años.

Pero sucedió que un día había sido ordenado un Papa nuevo, y el Rabí encargado de venir desde Israel a presentar el sobre, también era nuevo. Así que al tomar lugar el acto dijo el Papa:

¿Qué clase de ceremonia es ésta?, tengo entendido que ha sido observada por casi 2,000 años, y no sé su significado.

¡Ni yo! Es nuestra costumbre enviar a alguien cada año por estas fechas con este sobre al Vaticano.

Abramos ese viejo sobre a ver que contiene.

El Rabí lo abre, lo lee y exclama: ¡Increíble! ¡es el cobro por los víveres consumidos en la Última Cena!

Una madre tenía 3 hijas. Ante el casamiento de cada una de ellas, la madre les pedía que en la noche de bodas le enviaran un mensaje sobre cómo iba el matrimonio y su luna de miel.

Se casó la primera, y 2 días después llegó una carta que sólo decía: Champú Sintrox.

En principio la madre no entendió pero, leyendo una revista, vio un slogan que decía: Champú Sintrox, satisfacción hasta la última gota. Y la madre se quedó tranquila.

Al casarse la segunda hija, a la semana la madre recibió una carta que decía: Rothmans.

Al ver el aviso de Rothmans, su slogan era: King size, el tamaño ideal. Y la madre pudo relajarse.

Finalmente se casó la tercera. Y tardó 4 semanas en escribir.

La carta decía: British Airways.

La madre estaba desconcertada. Pero al fin encontró un aviso, donde decía:

British Airways: ¡2 veces al día, los 7 días de la semana, en ambas direcciones!

What do you call a deer with 20/20 vision?

Good-eye deer

Your momma is so fat, when she stood in the scale to get weighed it read –

(one at a time please!!!!!!)

Like A Woman

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to bathroom.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how youre getting fat.
Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
Turn off shower.
Squeegy off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

Like A Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the woo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your dick in the mirror, scratch your balls and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
Get in the shower.
Dont bother to look for a washcloth. (you dont use one)
Wash your face
Wash your armpits
Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
Wash your privates and surrounding area.
Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.
Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
Make a shampoo Mohawk.
Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
Pee (in the shower).
Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hang out of the tub the whole time.
Partial dry off.
Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire dick size.Ž
Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
Leave bathroom and fan light on.
Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your dick, go Yeah baby and thrust your pelvis at her.
Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

A blonde dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates, where she is greeted by St. Peter."Welcome!" he says. "Because we are currently operating at 99% capacity, we can only let a limited number of souls into heaven. Therefore, you must answer my questions correctly to gain entrance.""Okay," says the blonde."Heres your question: name two days of the week that begin with the letter T.""Thats easy. Today and tomorrow!""Well, thats not the answer I was thinking of, but Ill give you another question. How many seconds are there in a year?""Thats easy. Twelve!""Twelve?""January second, February second, March second–""Okay, okay. I can see you misunderstood this question as well. Okay, one more chance. Whats Gods name?""Thats easy. Howard!""Howard?""You know — Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name…"

My wife came home yesterday and said, Honey, the car wont start, but I know what the problem is.

I asked her what it was and she told me it has water in the carburetor.

I thought for a moment, then said, You know I dont mean this badly, but you dont know the carburetor from the accelerator.

No, theres definitely water in the carburetor she insisted.

OK, Honey, thats fine, Ill just go take a look. Where is it?

In the lake!

What women say and what they mean

Cant we just be friends? = There is no way in hell I am going to let any part
of his body touch any part of mine, again.

I just need some space = without you in it.

Do I look fat in this dress? = We havent had a fight in a while.

No, pizzas fine = Cheap bastard!

I just do not want a boyfriend now = I just dont want YOU as a boyfriend now.

I dont know; what do you want to do? = I cant believe that you have nothing
planned.

I like you, but = I dont like you.

You never listen = You never listen.

Were moving too quickly = I am not going to sleep with you until I find out if
this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.

Ill be ready in a minute = I AM ready, but I am going to make you wait because
I know you will.

Oh, no, I will pay for myself = I am just being nice; there is no way I am going
dutch.

Im just going out with the girls = We are gonna get sloppy and make fun of you
and your friends.

Theres no one else = I am doing your brother.

Size doesnt matter = unless I want an orgasm.

What men say and what they mean

Im hungry = Im hungry.

Im sleepy = Im sleepy.

Im tired = Im tired.

Ive gotta pee = Get out of the way.

Ive gotta GO = Get out of the way and stay away until it clears.

Can I call you sometime? = Id eventually like to have sex with you.

Do you want to go to a movie? = Id eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I take you out to dinner? = Id eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I get your coat? = Id eventually like to have sex with you.

Let me get your door. = Id eventually like to have sex with you.

May I have this dance? = Id eventually like to have sex with you.

Nice dress! = Nice Tits!

You look tense, let me give you a massage. = I want to fondle you.

Whats wrong? = I dont see why are you making such a big deal out of this.

Whats wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you
going through now?

Whats wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

Im bored. = Do you want to have sex?

I love you. = Lets have sex now.

I love you too. = Okay, I said it…wed better have sex now!

Good morning. = That was great sex……lets have more!

See you later. = That was great sex……lets have more!

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = I liked it better before.

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = $50 and it doesnt look that much
different!

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = For $50 they should have GIVEN you
hair!

Lets talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and
maybe then youd like to have sex with me.

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other
guys.

Will you marry me? = I might as well get tax benefits for going through these
talks

While shopping

Yes, that ones nice = Why do you ask when you arent going to listen anyway?

That one looks great on you = Pick any freakin dress and lets go home!

I like that one better. = Pick any freakin dress and lets go home!

Uh huh = Pick any freakin dress and lets go home!

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz = Pick any freakin dress and lets go home!

I dont think that blouse and that skirt go well together. = I am gay.

It makes you look fat = Im really stupid!