486 – The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
State-of-the-art – Any computer you cant afford.
Obsolete – Any computer you own.
Microsecond – The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
G3 – Apples new Macs that make you say Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.
Syntax Error – Walking into a computer store and saying, Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.
Hard Drive – The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.
GUI – What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced gooey)
Keyboard – The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse – An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy – The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Portable Computer – A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash – A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Power User – Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System Update – A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk. – Franklin D. Roosevelt
A friend went to the kitchen window to check on her two-year-old son, who was playing in the yard with some older children in the neighbourhood. She was horrified to see that they were feeding him an earthworm.
She quickly opened the window and screamed at them, Dont feed him worms! Theyll make him sick!
They looked up at her puzzled and asked, Was he sick yesterday?
Heard this one Sunday night on KGO radio (someone called in with it):
A couple who have been married for 20 years is preparing for bed when the
following conversation takes place…
She: Honey, if I die before you, would you remarry?
He: Thats a morbid question!
She: No, I really want to know.
He (pauses to think): Yes, I suppose after a decent amount of time I might
remarry.
She: Would she live in our house?
He: Well, the mortgage is almost paid off – would you really expect me to
move?
She: Would she wear my mink coat?
He: You know I paid $3,500 for that coat – would you really want me to
sell it for a loss?
She: Well, would she drive my BMW?
He: No. Absolutely not. She doesnt know how to drive a stick shift!
You know you are addicted to your Italian roots when…
- You pay the paperboy with LIRA
- You answer your neighbors by grunting and saying, No speaka Engleesh!
- You tell people that Raffaele, Michelangelo and Donatello of Ninja Turtle fame are your first cousins.
- You start calling your wife Gina and tell her youll be happy to pay for breast enlargements.
- You carry Italian road maps in your glove compartment
- You can recite the name of every province in Italy in 2 minutes (and you can spell them in 4 minutes).
- You get arrested at the Mall after the police dont accept your explanation that Italians are overcome by a natural urge to pinch buttocks after 22 women identity you
- You leave work at 10 AM because its quitting time in Rome.
- You call WPIX-TV in NYC to ask why the Yankee announcers ARE speaking English
- You spray paint over the chrome Buick emblem on your automobile and write FIAT in 12 inch letters
- You are arrested for fighting after punching a fellow Italian who told you that in WWII he stopped an advancing Italian tank by shooting the Italian pushing it.
- You are fined for adding the word Via to 51 streets signs in your neighborhood
- You write to Rome to complain about proposed state tax legislation in Iowa.
- The priest asks you to find another church after you pass out 500 bumper stickers during mass which read, Italians Make Better Lovers
The governments system administration team, working with computer manufacturers and experts in the computer industry, has found a lower cost alternative to address the Y2K (Year 2000) issue: The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by December 31, 1999. In exchange for taking every computer, an Etch-A-Sketch will be issued to all Americans. There are many reasons for doing this:
1. No Y2K problems.
2. No technical glitches keeping working from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing E-Mails.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has funny lines all over the screen. What do I do?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: Whats the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a new document?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for re-booting my Etch-A-Sketch ?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch ?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch Document ?
A: Dont shake it.
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and
romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. As he sits there, the jar of nuts on the bar tells him what a nice shirt he is wearing. Disturbed by this, he goes to the cigarette vending machine to buy a pack of smokes. As he approaches the machine, it starts screaming and shouting at him. He runs to the bar and explains this to the barman. The barman apologizes and says The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order!
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty, and many people donated to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. Only a shilling? said the Justice, Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Heres a guinea; go and bury twenty more of them.