Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jacks liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary K. and said, Oh Jack, give me a pint othe brandy.
Sister Mary Katherine, exclaimed Jack, I could never do that! I have never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!
Oh Jack, she responded, its only for the Mother Superior. Her voice dropped, It helps her constipation, you know. So Jack sold her the brandy.
Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine? And she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering.
Jack pushed through and exclaimed, Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! and you told me this was for the Mother Superiors constipation!
Sister Mary Katherine didnt miss a beat as she replied, And so it is, me lad, so it is…When she sees me, shes gonna crap herself!
Bill and Monica are in the Whitehouse when Bill invites Monica into the Oval office because he wants to show her a clock. While in the office Clinton pulls down his pants and whips out his unit.
Monica gasps, Mr. Clinton thats not a clock, its a cock!
Bill replies, well Monica if you put 2 hands and a face on it, its a clock.
There were these two dogs in a vets waiting room, each eyeing the
other suspiciously. One of them turns to the other.
What are you here for? he asks.
Well, replies the other, I was feeling really bad the other day,
and Masters six year old son started bothering me. I tried to ignore
it, but I was feeling so rotten that I bit his hand off.
I dont blame you. So, what are you here for?
Erm… well… Master reckons that Im too vicious, so Im going to
be… you know… Im going to have the operation…
Oh dear. Im sorry, sympathised the first dog.
Time passed. The about-to-be-neutered dog coughed politely.
So, he asked, What are you in here for?
Oh, nothing really, the other replied, embarrassed.
Go on, tell me. Please…
OK. Well, its like this. The bitch next door was in heat, and so I
was feeling… you know, a bit randy. Then Mistress came into the
kitchen wearing a short skirt and no underwear, and she bent over. I
just couldnt resist it! admitted the dog.
Oh, so youre here for the operation too, then.
No, came the reply, Im here to have my nails clipped!
Q: How many Yale students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None–New Haven looks better in the dark!
Note: If you have ever been to New Haven, youll know it really does.
What is 6 inches long…..Has a big head….Woman love it?????
A $100 dollar bill!
A fellow walks into a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender if hed like to hear a good Notre Dame joke.
Listen buddy, he growled. See those 2 big guys on your left? They were both linemen on the Notre Dame football team. And that huge fellow on your right was a world-class wrestler at Notre Dame. That guy in the corner was Notre Dames all-time champion weight lifter. And I lettered in 3 sports at Notre Dame. Now, are you absolutely positive you want to go ahead and tell your joke here?
Nah, guess not, the man replied. I wouldnt want to have to explain it 5 times.
Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb denying enforcement of the vote.
They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
— Benjamin Franklin, 1759
Q: Whats the best place to photograph Clinton Administration officials?
A: A police lineup.
A young woman said to her doctor, You have to help me, I hurt all over.
What do you mean? said the doctor.
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, Ow, that hurts.
Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, Ouch! That hurts, too.
Then she touched her right earlobe. Ow, even THAT hurts.
The doctor asked the woman, Are you a natural blonde?
Why yes, she said.
I thought so, said the doctor. You have a sprained finger.
El pretendiente acudió a la casa de su novia para pedir su mano:
¿Y a qué se dedica usted, joven? pregunta el padre de la chica.
Soy el encargado de mantenimiento responde con orgullo en la voz el aspirante.
¡Ah, qué bueno! se alegra el papá. Desde ahora le encargo que nos mantenga también a mi esposa y a mi.