Old and New Jokes

Spoiled milk.

Q: How is lightning like a violists fingers?
A: Neither one strikes in the same place twice.

Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky

We dont want to leave clues like Kaczynski,

Since you look such a mess,

Use the hem of your dress

And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.

Adding manpower to a late software product makes it later.

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal while the other goes to a family in Spain and is named Juan.

Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds…

But they are twins and if youve seen Juan youve seen Amal.

Una mujer se queja ante el médico porque hace días que su marido no le hace nada.

Justo en ese momento, señora, se están probando unas gotas para devolver las ganas, úselas con su marido y regrese a contarme.

Al día siguiente, la mujer vuelve con el galeno con una cara que no se sabía si era de alegría o de desconsuelo.

¿Cómo le fue, señora?

Pues no sé, doctor, permítame explicarle: estaba cenando con mi marido y en el momento en que él se levantó de la mesa yo le eché las gotas en su bebida. Cuando regresó, se tomó un sólo trago de su bebida y, exactamente a los cinco minutos, se levantó de la mesa, botó todo al suelo, me puso sobre la mesa y….

Pero, ¿entonces qué pasa, no era eso lo que usted quería?

Sí, pero no en un restaurante.

A bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, We will all die some day, and none of us really knows when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event. Everybody shook their heads in agreement with this comment.
Then the leader said to the group, What would you do if you knew you only had four weeks of life remaining before your death?

A gentleman said, I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lifes.

Very good! said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.

One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction.

That is wonderful! the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.

But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, I would go to my mother-in-laws house for the four weeks.

Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader asked, Why your mother-in-laws home?

Then the gentleman smiled sarcastically and said, Because that would be the longest four weeks of my life!

You cut a hole in the ice, and put a bunch of peas near it. So that way when the bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.

Whats a mans worst nightmare?

1) The Super Bowl is pre-empted by a soap opera. 2) His wife has amnesia and forgets how to cook so he has to. 3) A female boss. 4) He has to ask his wife for money.

Clouds are high flying fogs.