Old and New Jokes

Did you hear about the woman who was married to a succession of three Microsoft employees and still died a virgin?



Her first husband was in Training, and kept teaching her how to do it herself.



The second was in Sales, and kept telling her how good it was going to be.



And the third was in Tech Support, and kept saying Dont worry, itll be up any minute now….

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Quacker!
Quacker who?
Quacker another bad joke and Im leaving!

1. If I like it, its mine.
2. If its in my mouth, its mine.
3. If I can take it from you, its mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, its mine.
5. If Im chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.
7. If it just looks like mine, its mine.
8. If I saw it first, its mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If its broken, its yours.

I was just stepping into the shower this morning when my SO
handed me the phone, telling me it was someone from a long
distance company. I was eager to get into the shower; my
conversation went like this:

Me: Hello?

Him: Hello, sir. Im from <Major long distance carrier>. How would
you like to save money off your long distance calling?

Me: If I told you that I was very happy with my current carrier, would
that preclude any further conversation?

Him: Actually, no, sir. I have to hear a certain number of nos before
I let you go.

Me: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Him: Have a nice day, sir. <Click>

Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating



10. You get winded from knocking on the door.



9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.



8. You ask for high fiber candy only.



7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balanceand fall over.



6. People say, Great Keith Richards mask! and youre not wearing a mask.



5. When the door opens you yell, Trick or… and cant remember the rest.



4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.



3. You have to carefully choose a costume that wont dislodge your hairpiece.



2. Youre the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.



1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

Bernie was invited to his friends home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, That is really nice. After all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names.



Morris hung his head and whispered, To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago.

The real name of the Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III.

Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates (III), where III means the order of third (3rd.)

By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-values and adding his (III), you get the following:

B…….66

I…….73

L…….76

L…….76

G…….71

A…….65

T…….84

E…….69

S…….83

……..3

————–

…….666 !!

Some might ask, How did Bill Gates get so powerful? Coincidence?

Or just the beginning of mankinds ultimate and total enslavement???

YOU decide!

Before you decide, consider the following:

M S – D O S 6 . 2 1

77 83 45 68 79 83 32 54 46 50 49 = 666

W I N D O W S 9 5

87 73 78 68 79 87 83 57 53 1 = 666

Coincidence? I think not.

An elderly English couple, the wife rather deaf, were visiting New York.
They hail a cab and start out on a lengthy journey. It being New York, it
isnt long before the driver starts talking.

Driver: Youre limeys, arent you?
Man: Aye, we are.
Wife: What did he say?
M: He asked if we were English and I said we were.
W: Ah.

D: I was in England, during the war.
M: Oh aye.
W: What did he say?
M: He said he was in England during the war.
W: Ah.

D: I was in Burnley, in Lancashire. You know it?
M: Yes, thats where we come from.
W: What did he say?
M: He said he was in England during the war – near Burnley.
W: Ah.

D: Do you know a patch of woodland just south of Burnley?
M: Aye, I know it.
W: What did he say?
M: He asked if we knew the woods south of Burnley and I said we did.
W: Ah.

D: You know, it was in those woods, during the war, I had the worst
fuck Ive ever had in my entire life.
W: What did he say?
M: He says he knows you.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Dozen!
Dozen who?
Dozen anyone ever answer the door!

Q: How many keyboardists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Lightbulbs? Cmon, I got sunlight, fluorescent, candles-anything you want.