Old and New Jokes

edJoe took his blonde blind date to a seaside carnival.

What would you like to do first, Kim? asked Joe.

I want to get weighed, she said.

They ambled over to the weight guesser, who guessed 70 kg. Kim got on the scale and it read 67 kg and she won a prize. .

Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over,
Joe again asked Kim what she wanted to do next.

I want to get weighed, she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went and because shed been there before the man guessed Kims correct weight and Joe lost his dollar.

Kim and Joe walked around the carnival and again he asked,
Where to next?

Kim responded: I want to get weighed, but by this time Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her flatmate, Laura, asked Kim about her blind date, Howd it go? she asked.

Kim said, Oh, Waura, it was wousy.

Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to Sean, You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course, me mother and me sister.

Well, Sean replied, between you and me we got em all.

Bouchers Observation: He who blows his own horn always plays the music several octaves higher than originally written.

How do you put six elephants in a Volkswagen?

…Three in front and three in back…

Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.

How do blondes braincells die??

-Alone-

If youve got melted chocolate all over your hands, youre eating it far too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. Itll take the edge off your appetite and youll eat less.
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Dont they actually counteract each other?
Money talks. Chocolate sings.
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.
Put eat chocolate at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least youll get one thing done.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isnt that handy?
If you cant eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you cant eat all your chocolate, whats wrong with you?

Whats the difference between a schlomozel and a schlemeil?

A schlomozel is the guy who walks past a second floor window-ledge and knocks the flower pot off..

A schlemeil is the guy walking underneath….

Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there.

A wife asked her husband, Honey, if I died would you remarry?

After a considerable period of griveing, I guess I would. We all need companionship.

If I died and you remarried, the wife asked, would she live in this house?

Weve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. Im not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would. yes.

If I died and you remarried and she lived in this house, the wife continued, would she sleep in our bed?

Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us over two thousand dollars. Its going to last a long time, so I guess she would.

If I died and you remarried and she lived in this house and she slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?

Oh, no, the husband replied. Shes left-handed.