Old and New Jokes

Its okay to love your pets, but just dont love your pets.

Yo mama so fat she sat on a dollar and squeezed a booger out George Washingtons nose.

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me.



New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes

first.



And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the Skins say Id run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl, Matt Millen of the Raiders said, To win, Id run over Joes mom too.



Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: Nobody in football should be called a genius.. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.



Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, Because she is too

damn ugly to kiss goodbye.



Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: Im going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.



Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: I play football. Im not trying to be a professor. The tests dont seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I havent been through in school.



Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.



Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: Thats so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my @#%#%@ clothes.



Shaquille ONeal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: I cant really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.



Shaquille ONeal, on his lack of championships: Ive won at every level, except college and pro.



Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: Hes a guy who gets up at six oclock in the morning regardless of what time it is.



Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his teams 7-27 record: We cant win at home. We cant win on the road. As general manager, I just cant figure out where else to play. (1992)



Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: He wants Texas back. (1981)



Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football? (1966)



Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburns football dorm had destroyed 20 books: But the real tragedy was that 15 hadnt been colored yet. (1991)



Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: Im not allowed to comment on lousy

officiating. (1986)



Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: Its basically the same, just darker. (1991)



Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid Id get shot. (1996)



Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: I told him, Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy? He said, Coach, I dont know and I dont care. (1991)



Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four Fs and one D: Son, looks to me like youre spending too much time on one subject. (1987)

11. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?

12. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.

13. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, The Professor cant hear you, youll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy.

14. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class hes named Boogers McGee and is your mascot. Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, Whatll be, McGee?

15. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?

16. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.

17. Wear a virtual reality helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.

18. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.

19. Ask students to call you Tinkerbell or Surfin Bird.

20. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.

Q. What do you call Al Gore and George W. Bush in the front seat of a car?

A. Dual airbags!

How does the brain communicate with the nerves?

With a Cell phone!

A drink you buy at the convenience store to go with
a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms

We are born naked, wet, and hungry.
Then things get worse.

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: Boys, we all know Ive been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I dont know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I aint givin him any of mine.

Second Bull: That pretty much says it for me, too. Ive been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows weve agreed are mine. Ill fight em till I run him off or kill im, but I AM KEEPIN ALL MY COWS.

Third Bull: Ive only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to take care of. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: You know, its actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.

Second Bull: Ill have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. Im certainly not looking for an argument.

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting — the bulls equivalent of an Apes beating his chest or Mans bone-chilling, war-like cry of Stay away from my Woman, Vato!!

First Bull: Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.

Third Bull: Hell , Mister, he can have ALL MY COWS.

Im just making sure he knows IM a bull!

A blonde and her husband are asleep when the phone rings, she answers it. After a few minutes the blonde says,I dont know. Thats like two thousand miles away, and she hangs up the phone.

Who was that? asks her husband.

It was some woman asking if the coast was clear!