Old and New Jokes

Little Willie had a gambling problem. Hed bet on anything.

One day, Willies father consulted his teacher.
The teacher said. Mr.Gaines, I think I know how to teach Willie
a real lesson. Well trap him into a big wager that hell lose.
Willies father agreed to cooperate with the plan.

The next day at school, the teacher watched Willie making wagers
with the other children, and she said, Willie, I want you
to remain after class. When the others had left the
classroom, Willie walked up to the teacher. Before she could
say a word, he said, Dont say it, Miss B; I know what youre
going to say, but youre a liar!

Willie! the startled teacher said, What are you talking about?

Youre a fake! Willie continued.How can I believe anything
you tell me? Youve got this blond hair on top, but Ive seen
your bush and its pitch black!

Trying to keep her cool, the teacher said, Willie that isnt
true.

Ill bet a dollar it is! Willie challenged.

The teacher saw her chance to teach Willie his lesson. Make
it five dollars and you have a bet, she said.

Youre on! Willie whipped out a five dollar bill. Before anyone
could come into the room, Miss B. dropped her panties, spread her
legs, and showed Willie that her pubic hair was as blond as the
hair on top of her head.

Willie hung his head. You win, he said, handing her the fiver.

Miss. B couldnt wait for him to leave so she could get to a phone to
call his father. She reported what had happened. Mr. Gaines,
she said, I think weve finally taught him his lesson.

The hell we have, the father muttered. This morning Willie bet
me ten dollars that hed see your pussy before the day was over.

A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that
reads:

Dear Wife (thats what he called her):

I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel
with my beautiful and sexy 18-year-old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as
follows:

Dear Husband (thats what she called him):

I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater
Hotel with my handsome and virile 18-year-old toy boy. You being an accountant
will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into
18.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Kansas!
Kansas who?
Kansas the best way to buy tuna!

I heard they closed the zoo in Warsaw. The duck died.

Three Men And A Baby

What you get when four men go fishing and one comes back not catching anything.

A polish man is sitting at a bar having a few drinks when he notices a very attractive lady sit down at the other end of the bar and order a drink.

The polish guy calls the bartender over and says whatever she is is drinking give her another one and tell her it is on me.

The bartender replies I dont think you want to do that.

What do you mean? yells the polish guy, Send her the drink!

O.K. the bartender replies, but I dont think it is a good idea.

And why not? asks the polish guy.

The bartender leans over the bar and very softly says because shes a lesbian.

I dont care, send her the drink. says the polish guy.

So after the lady gets her drink the polish guy very casually strolls down to the other end of the bar and sits down next to her and says, so what part of Lesbia are you from?

Whos There?
Interrupting Cow
Interrupt…
MOOOOOOO!

A scene from the movie Ruthless People. Its been a while but Ill try to retell the scene for anyone who hasnt seen it before.

Danny De Vito is in his office behind his desk and is being questioned by some geeky guy (I think a cop) sitting across from him. The phone rings and Danny answers …

Danny: Hello

Caller: Is Debbie there

Danny: Debbie? Whos this?

Caller: Ralph

Danny: Ralph, Debbies here but cant talk to you right now cause shes got my dick in her mouth! Want me to have here call you back when shes done?

Caller: hangs up

Danny (to the geeky cop whos eyeballs are popping out): I love wrong numbers!

An enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale that has

been told and retold ever since by veteran Allied pilots. The German

airfield, constructed with meticulous care, was made almost

entirely of wood. There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun

emplacements, trucks, and aircraft.

The Germans took so long in building their wooden decoy that Allied

photo experts had more than enough time to observe and report it.

The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last

wooden plank. Early the following morning, a lone RAF plane crossed

the Channel, came in low, circled the field once, and dropped a

large wooden bomb.

A friend of mine is related to Amitabh Bachan. We once stayed with him, when the Bachan’s were also staying with him. I noticed that Jaya took really good care of Amitabh. She always gave him clothes to wear, reminded him to take his medicine and massaged Amitabh’s back when he had pulled a muscle. One evening while all of us were drinking tea I said to my wife Gul, see how nicely Jayaji takes care of Amitabh? She gives him clothes when he is a bath, massages his back and holds his hand all the time. Can’t you do like that? My wife looked at Amitabh and said I am ready if Amitabh doesn’t mind.