Jill went to her doctor for a check-up. when asked how she got the bruises on the outside of her thighs, she explained that she got them from having sex.
The doctor then told her she would have to change positions until the bruises healed.
Jill replied Oh doctor, I cant… my dogs breath is just murder.
Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called Divorced Barbie?
Yeah, it comes with all of Kens stuff.
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch)
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out
Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
Ride those little electronic cars/dinosaurs at the front of the store.
Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, I think weve got a Code 3 in Housewares, and see what happens.
Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to 10.
Play with the automatic doors.
Walk up to complete strangers and say, Hi! I havent seen you in so long!… etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, Who BUYS this crap, anyway?
Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim youre taking it for a test drive.
Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, Wow. Magic!
Put M&Ms on layaway.
Move Caution: Wet Floor signs to carpeted areas.
Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others youll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from the other aisles.
Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, …Im Batman. Come, Robin–to the Batcave!
TP as much of the store as possible.
Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
Play with the calculators so that they all spell hell upside down.
When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, Why wont you people just leave me alone?
When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, Red Rover!
Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., Do you have any Shnerples here?
Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
Take bets on the battle described above.
Nonchalantly test the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
Hold indoor shopping cart races.
Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission: Impossible.
Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
Say things like, Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?
Set up a Valet Parking sign in front of the store.
Two words: Marco Polo.
Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
Re-alphabetize the CDs in Electronics.
In the auto department, practice your Madonna look with various funnels.
When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, No, no! Its those voices again!
Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you dont get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
Hide little stuffed beavers all over the store, then announce to about ten friends BEAVER HUNT!. You can then go around asking people if they have seen a little beaver.
Ask for a product that requires a ladder to get down. Look at it a fewseconds after the employee climbs down, then hand it to them and say thank you.
Ask for wierd combinations of things like yard-gnomes and vaseline.
Get a leash and collar from Pets and take a friend for walkies.
Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say, Not bad, but I couldve done better.
Un tipo llega a su casa todo arrecho y le susurra a su mujer:
Amor, hoy hagamos algo nuevo, ¿qué te parece si lo hacemos por el oÃdo?
¿Qué? ¿Estás loco? ¿Quieres que me quede sorda?
¿Y cuándo te quedaste muda?
Three guys were stranded on an Island. one was named justin, one timmy, and one eric. the men came across a genies lamp and wished to go off the island. the genie agreed but said you must bring me one piece of fruit by this time tomarrow. they agreeded and came back with fruit. the first man brought a bananna and the genie said if i can shove this up your ass without you making any noise, you can leave. so the genie started and the man laughed half way up. the genie said why did you laugh? the man said it tickled. the second guy, timmy, brought back grapes. the genie started and with one grape left timmy busted up laughing and the genie said why did you laugh? and timmy said beecuase i just saw eric coming around the corner with a watermelon.
Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.
An Irish wife was having a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards, she slipped over and did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband. Paddy! Paddy! she yelled.
Paddy came running in. Paddy Ive suctioned myself to the floor, she said.
Ohhh nooo! Paddy said and tried to pull her up. Youre just too heavy, love. Ill go across the road and get Shamus.
Paddy comes back with Shamus and they both tried to pull her up.
Nope, I cant do it, Shamus said, Lets try plan C.
Plan C? exclaimed Paddy. Whats that?
Ill go home and get my hammer and chisel and we will break the tiles under her.
Oh okay, Paddy said. While youre doing that Ill stay here and play with her tits.
Play with her tits? Shamus said. Why would you do that? This is hardly the time.
Paddy replied, Well, I figure if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles arent so expensive to replace.
Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.
Q: What do you do when you come across an elephant?
A: Wipe it off!
Q: Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants?
A: None of the offspring survived.
Q: How does the male elephant find the female elephant when shes lying down in tall grass?
A: VERY attractive.
Q: How do you know when an elephant has been screwing in youre yard?
A: The flower beds are crushed and you are missing a garbage bag!
Q: What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?
A: Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung).
Q: What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?
A: He stamped it to death and then said Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape?
A: Cosine (Theta) Note: Assumes |elephant| |grape| 1
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a mountain climber?
A: Zero – a mountain climber is a scaler.
Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
A: Lots of room.
Q: Whats grey and comes in quarts?
A: An elephant.
Q: What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
A: Swim for your life!!
Q: Why do elephants lay on their backs?
A: To trip low flying canaries.
Q: Why did the elephant have a yellow spot on his ass?
A: He wasnt laying on his back.
Q: Why do elephants have Big Ears?
A: Because Noddy wont pay the ransom. (Noddy is childrens storybook character)
Q: Why dont you go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am?
A: Because the elephants are jumping from the trees.
Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A: Because the go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am.
Q: Whats that red stuff between elephants toes?
A: Slow pygmies.