Old and New Jokes

How do you make a womans brain the size of a pea?

Inflate it.

Q: How many Victorians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: [Ahem] We do not discuss this with ladies and children present.

Justice, American Style

The following exchange happened last March 5 on the show Politically Incorrect, between Bill Maher, the host, and lawyer Leslie Abramson, who defended the Menendez brothers:

Bill: When do lawyers give a damn about the facts?

Leslie: When did you or Geraldo give a damn about the facts?

Bill: You defended the Menendez kids. What do you care about facts?

Leslie: I dont remember seeing you in the courtroom, Bill, so you absolutely dont know anything about the trial.

Bill: I knew they blew their parents heads off.

Leslie: No, they didnt. They didnt blow their parents heads off.

Bill: The Menendez kids didnt blow their parents heads off?

Leslie: No!

Bill: What did they do?

Leslie: They unloaded shotguns in their direction.

In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who totally zoned
when he ran, according to his wife, accidentally jogged off of a
200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the
weekly collection they kept for themselves. The first priest
explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back
and pitched the money towards the circle. What landed in the circle
he kept and what landed outside the circle god kept.
The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same,
except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest and the
money that landed inside the circle god kept.
The rabbi said, Ive got you both beat. I throw the money
into the air and what god wants, god takes.

there was a redhead, brunette, and a blond all drunk in a bar.when the redhead saysim so loose i could stick four fingers in my p****. so then the brunette says im so loose i could stick my fist in my p**** but then the blond doesnt say anything so the redhead saysyo blondy what can you do? but all of a sudden the blonde starts to slide down the stool.

Guy: Sir? Are we happy?

Other guy: Oh, God! I hate that question!

Guy: But we must be, righ? Compared to people in Turkish prisons … or Madonna fans or …

Other guy: Thats the problem, kid … happiness is all relative!

Guy: Oh. Okay then, do we feel good?

Other guy: You mean right now?

Guy: Gee … I dunno.

Other guy: Lets see … we just got a big zit on our nose … but that asteroid did miss earth. New episode of Star Trek tonight … but theyre rioting again in Antarctica …

Guy: Ill ask again later.

Other guy: Nice day, bad breath, good hair, slow death, cold beer, tight shorts, Giants win, Planters warts …

Political humor via *The Santa Cruz Comic News*

How long did the Hundred Years War last?
Which country makes Panama hats?
From which animal do we get catgut?
In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
What is a camels hair brush made of?
The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
What was King George VIs first name?
What color is a purple finch?
Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
How long did the Thirty Years War last?

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ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ (no peeking!)

116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
Ecuador.
From sheep and horses.
November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
Squirrel fir.
The Latin name was Insularia Canaria – Island of the Dogs.
Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert.
Distinctively crimson.
New Zealand.
Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.

En la escuela, la profesora pregunta a los niños que productos sembrarían si quisieran hacerse millonarios.

A ver Jaimito, ¿tú que sembrarías?

Yo, maestra, sembraría olivos

¿Y por qué?

Porque de ahí puedo sacar aceite, maestra.

Muy bien, ¿y tú Pablito?

Yo sembraría maíz.

¿Por qué?

Porque del maíz puedo hacer tortillas.

Muy bien.

Así continuó la maestra, hasta que por fin llega con Pepito.

A ver Pepito, dime, ¿tú que sembrarías?

Bueno, maestra, pues yo sembraría un montón de pelos.

¿Por qué, Pepito?, le cuestiona la maestra, asombrada por la respuesta.

Pues porque mi hermana, con un triangulito, saca mucho dinero.

What did they call Dracula when he won the league?
The champire!

Which England player keeps up the fuel supply?
Paul gas coin!

Manager: Ill give you fifty pounds a week to start with and a hundred pounds a week in a years time?
Young player: OK, Ill come back in a years time!

Manager: Twenty teams in the league and you lot finish bottom?
Captain: Well, it could have been worse.
Manager: How?
Captain: There could have been more teams in the league!