Old and New Jokes

Trust no one in times of crisis.

I have one

Your husband will have one

Your mother uses your fathers one

And your auntie uses your uncles one

A married lady would acquire one

But a divorced lady would lose her one

A Pope doesnt use his one

Madonna doesnt have one

The Chinese usually have short ones

While the Pakistanis usually have long ones

After your marriage your husband will give you his one?

Longer or shorter you have to take his one.

Are you afraid of taking a LONG one.

Do you want one?

How long do you want?

Which one is your preferred one?

Long one or short one

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What you are thinking of?

Are you sure?

Its your Surname, what where you thinking of?

You Dirty mind!!!

…and the doorbell started ringing. She jumped out to get it, but couldnt find a towel to wrap herself in. As she headed for the bedroom to grab something, she yelled Whos there? The voice called out, Its the blind man. The woman guessed he wanted to sell some pencils or something and stopped, realizing she didnt have to get any of her clothes wet, he couldnt see her anyway. When she opened the door a wide-eyed man in gray coveralls asked her Uh, where do you want me to hang your blinds?

BOY : Since we met, I cant eat or drink…
GIRL : Why not ??
BOY : Im broke. BOY : May I hold your hand??
GIRL : No thanks, it isnt heavy. GIRL : Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night??
BOY : What time was it?? GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me… GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, whats your phone number?? GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever..
BOY : Dont you ever want to improve?? BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon?? SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. Hed forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth. Man : You remind me of the sea.
Woman : Because Im wild, romantic and exciting?
Man : NO, because you make me sick. Wife : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out
of the other.
Husband : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth. Mary : John says Im pretty. Andy says Im ugly. What do u think, Peter?
Peter : A bit of both. I think youre pretty ugly. Jimmy : Mom, can I have two piece of cake?
Mom : Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two. Sam : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I comfortable seated.
Lily : So what do you do?
Sam : I close my eyes. Teacher : Have you given the goldfish fresh water?
Pupil : No, Sir. They havent finished the water I gave them last week. Mom : Why are you wiping the floor with that cake?
Son : Well, its a sponge cake, isnt it? It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. What are you charged with? he asked.
Doing my Christmas shopping early, replied the defendant.
Thats no offense, replied the judge. How early were you doing this shopping?
Before the store opened, countered the prisoner.

Youre so ugly, your mom has to tie a steak around your neck just to get the dog to play with you.

The Marginal Basin Song by Chris Stillman
(melody: Lead us on, thou Heavenly Father)

On a margin runs a canyon down into the ocean dark;
Theres a basin slowly filling with detritus from the arc.

Refrain: For the drifting causes rifting,
Opens basins mighty fine
Which strike-slip will close in time.

With volcanics theres no problem; theyre erupting all the time;
Fill the thin with pillow lavas, sheeted dikes and serpentine.

Rising slowly from the ocean filled with gritties coarse and fine,
Are you fore-arc? Are you anti-arc? Are you just a geosyncline?

Texan: Where are you from? Harvard graduate: I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.Texan: OK, where are you from, jackass?

You might be a redneck if…
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.

A group of very attractive young female city employees discovered they could nicely supplement their income by moonlighting as call girls. One of the girls discovered she was more successful as a blonde after having her hair bleached. She convinced the others that the old saying, Blondes have more fun, is true. The ladies became so popular that they were able to charge exorbitant rates.

They even charged their taxi fares to the Johns they served. When hard times hit and the market got soft, they needed a bigger come-on. Some of them understood the economic law of supply and demand, so decided to lower their rates. They decided not to include taxi fares in the fees they charged their customers.

They have become known as: The taxi-free municipal blondes.

From the book Ahaggy Dogs Have Punny Tales

This is working well for those of us getting along in years. Here is a little secret for building your arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to try doing this three times a week.Begin by standing straight, with a 5 lb. potato sack in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to last a full minute.

Relax. After a few weeks, move up to 10 lb. potato sacks then, as you progress, 20-lb. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight out for at least a full minute.After you feel confident at that level, start putting a couple of potatoes in each bag.