28
Oct

What Do Women Really Want???

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthurs youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer. If, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.

The question was: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarchs proposition to have an answer by years end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch.

She agreed to answer his question, but hed have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the roundtable and Arthurs closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises. He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthurs life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthurs question: What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life. Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthurs life would be spared.

And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthurs life and granted him total freedom. What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted and made everyone uncomfortable.

The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman hed ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when shed been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?

What a cruel question? Gawain began to think of his predicament: During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do?

What Gawain chose follows below, but dont read until youve made your own choice.

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Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

What is the moral of this story?

THE MORAL IS THAT IT DOESNT MATTER IF YOUR WOMAN IS PRETTY OR UGLY, UNDERNEATH IT ALL, SHES STILL A WITCH.

27
Oct

Un seor se dirige al

Un señor se dirige al mostrador de la farmacia y dice: ¡Señorita!, ¿me da un paquete de condones? ¡Claro que sí!, ¿para soltero o para casado? No entiendo. ¿Cuál es la diferencia? Los de soltero vienen en paquetes de 7 y los de casado en paquetes de 12. Menos le entiendo. Mire, los de soltero vienen marcados con: lunes, martes, miércoles, etc. Y los de casado con: enero, febrero, marzo…

27
Oct

Cop and prostitute

A policeman arrested a prostitute, and the following conversation occurred.

Girl: Im not selling sex!

Officer: Then what are you doing?

Girl: Im selling condoms and offering a free demonstration!

27
Oct

A blond guy joke

Theres a Mexican guy, an Irish Guy, and a blond guy working at the top of a construction site when the lunch whistle sounds. The Mexican opens his lunch box and says, Ugh! Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time Im going to jump to my death! The Irish man opens his lunchbox and says Ugh! Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time, Im going to jump to my death! The blond guy opens his lunch and says Ugh! Baloney and cheese! If I get baloney and cheese one more time, Im going to jump to my death! Well, the next day, they all sit down for lunch again. The Mexican guy opens his lunchbox, sees the burritos, and jumps to his death. The Irishman opens his lunchbox, sees the corned beef and cabbage, and jumps to his death. The blond guy opens his lunchbox, sees the baloney and cheese, and jumps to his death. At the funerals, the three widows were crying together about their husbands tragic deaths. The Mexicans wife says, If only I knew how much he hated burritos, I never would have made them! The Irishmans wife says, If only I knew how much he hated corned beef and cabbage, I never would have made it! The blond guys widow is silent, and the other widows look at her expectantly. She says, Dont look at me! My husband packed his own lunch!

26
Oct

Yo mama has

Yo mama has a bald head with a part and sideburns.

26
Oct

Chicken and the road thru history.

Famous interpretations of Why did the Chicken cross the road?



Bill Clinton:

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please…



Louis Farrakhan:

The road, you will see, represents the black man.

The chicken crossed the black man in order to trample him down!



Colonel Sanders:

I missed one?



L.A Poliece Department:

Give us five minutes with the chicken, and well find out.



Jerry Falwell:

Because the chicken was gay! isnt it obvious? Cant you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the other side. thats what they call it: the other side. Yes, my friends the chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too!



Ronald Regan:

What Chicken?



Saddam Hussein:

This was an unprovoked act of rebellion, and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it!



ROBERT DE NIRO: Are you telling me the chicken crossed that road? Is that what youre telling me?



Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.



Marting Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens, be they black or white or brown or red or speckled, will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.



Grandpa: In my day, we didnt ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.



Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.



Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.



Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.



Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe its true?



Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. How do you feel about your mother?



Bill Gates: We have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs (only in the proprietary brown_ms.egg format), file your important documents, and balance your chequebook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.



The CIA: Who told you about the chicken? Did you see the chicken? There was no chicken. Please step into the car, sir.



Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken.

26
Oct

One day a Pope and

One day a Pope and a lawyer die. They arrive at the Pearly Gates together and are ushered in. Angel Gabriel accompanies them with much fanfare on his trumpet.



Gabriel leads the two along a huge corridor lined with doors. After a while he stops at one of the doors and opens it. He tells the Pope, this is your room, I hope it is satisfactory. The Pope sees that the room has a bed, chair, desk and a small radio/TV.



Gabriel then leads the lawyer to the end of the hall, and stops at a huge double-doorway. He opens the massive door and the lawyer is stunned to see a kingsize waterbed, a pool table, a massive home entertainment unit and a well stocked wine bar. The lawyer gasped when told that this was his room. There must be some mistake! exclaimed the lawyer. Surely a room so grand as this would be reserved for someone like the Pope.



Angel Gabriel turned to the lawyer and said, Oh,no, there is no mistake. We have dozens of Popes. But you are our first lawyer!!

26
Oct

Yo Mama

Yo mama so fat when she has sex, she has to give the guy a map!

26
Oct

The dead redneck!

A redneck named Clyde died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Clem and Zeke, were sent for.

Clem went in first, and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Clem said, Yup, hes burnt real bad; but youll have to roll him over if you want me to identify him.

So the mortician rolled the corpse over and Clem looked and said, Nope, it aint Clyde.

The mortician thought that was rather strange, but proceeded to bring in Zeke to identify the body. After the sheet was pulled back, Zeke took a look and said, Yup, hes burnt real bad; roll him over.

So, again the mortician rolled the burnt corpse over, and Zeke looked down and said, Nope, it aint Clyde.

Frustrated, the mortician asked, How can you tell?

Zeke answered, Well, Clyde had two assholes.

What!? The disbelieving mortician asked, He had TWO assholes?

Yup, thats right, everybody knew Clyde had two assholes.

Ever time we went to town, folks would say…

Here comes that thar Clyde with them two assholes!

26
Oct

Army Nurse

Q: Did you hear about the army nurse who went to bed eating popcorn? A: She woke up with a kernel between her legs.