Old and New Jokes

Yo mama so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed.

Q: How many bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, but the guitarist has to show him first

Se encontraba la mamá de Pepito sentada en una mecedora y él a su lado jugando, ambos frente a la chimenea, en la sala de la casa, durante las épocas de navidad, haciendo de esto un cuadro muy tierno y emotivo.

La mamá de Pepito, que se encuentra embarazada acaricia la cabeza de su hijo de 6 años y le pregunta con mucha ternura: ¿Qué quieres que te traiga Santa Claus hijo? ¿Un hermanito o una hermanita?

Y Pepito, mirándola con admiración le responde:

Ay mama… pues aunque te duela el culo… ¡yo quiero una bicicleta!

A Probe.

Men…..know what they want to be doing five years down the road.

Guys….are not sure what they want to be doing later tonight.
Men…..really know how to make you relax.

Guys….really know how to make you laugh.
Men…..read Crichton, watch Rather, play golf.

Guys….read King, watch Seinfeld, play poker.
Men…..make a lot of money before they are 30.

Guys….make a lot of mistakes before they are 30.
Men…..wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons, and shoes with laces.

Guys….wear high school T-shirts theyve actually owned since high
school.
Men…..think perfume (yours) is a turn-on.

Guys….think sweat (theirs) is a turn-on.
Men…..balance their checkbooks.

Guys….balance their loans so that they never hit up the same buddy–
twice in a row.
Men…..claim to be feminists but still insist on opening doors,
driving and paying for dinner.

Guys….claim to be feminists because they let YOU open doors, drive
and pay for dinner.
Men…..have an internist, a tailor and an accountant.

Guys….have a barber, a bartender and a mechanic.
Men…..are afraid of becoming their fathers.

Guys….are afraid of becoming men.
Men…..put you on the phone when their mothers call.

Guys….pretend youre not there when their moms call.
Men…..start their own businesses.

Guys….quit their jobs.
Men…..are experts on womens erogenous zones.

Guys….are experts on their own most erogenous zone.
Men…..order wine based on more than the price.

Guys….bring their own beer.
Men…..break up with you by shaking hands and saying theyre sorry you
didnt like the same movies and the sex wasnt very good, but
they hope you can still work together on the Chicago deal.

Guys….break up with you by standing you up, avoiding your calls, and
then, when you finally run into each other, acting as if they
cant quite place you.

Three men are traveling in the Amazon: a Canadian, an American, and a Mexican.

They get captured by a fierce tribe of Amazons.

The tribe leader tells them they will be whipped for entering their territory. The tribe chief says to the Candian, What do you want on your back for your whipping?

The Canadian responds, I will take oil!

So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times.

When he is finished the Canadian has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.

The Amazons haul the Canadian away, and say to the Mexican,

What do you want on your back?

I will take nothing!, I will take my punishment like a real man! says the Mexican, and he boldly stands there and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch.

Finally, its the Yanks turn and the tribal chief asks:

What will you take on your back?

And he responds – Ill take the Mexican!

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him.

Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.

Your honor, he said, I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine.

Why ? asked the judge. He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?

Well, your honor, replied Carlson, I didnt have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole.

Did you hear about the girl who didnt wear underwear in the winter?

She got chapped lips!

What is the best way to annoy your wife/husband during sex?

Call her/him on the telephone!

A little kid watched the drunk marine go into the bath room and
as the marine was taking a leak the kid asked, Are you really a
marine? The marine replied, yes, do you want to wear my hat?
The kid said, Oh yes, and the marine gave him his hat.

A minute later a sailor walked into the restroom and the kid
said, Are you really a sailor? The sailor said, Yeah… ya wanta
suck my cock? The kid pulled off his hat and said, Oh no!! Im not
really a marine!