Old and New Jokes

The principal had a problem with some girls who were starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would blot their lips on the mirrors, leaving lip prints.



Before it got out of hand, he thought of a way to stop it. One day he gathered together all the girls who wore lipstick. He then took them into the bathroom and lectured about how hard it was to clean the lipstick off the mirrors. The principle then asked the custodian, who was present, to demontrate.



The custodian took a long handled brush, dipped it into the toilet and vigorously rubbed the lipstick off the mirror.



From that day forward, the mirrors stayed lipstick free.

Bible salesmen
This door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of
selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him. He interviewed three people. The first
came in and said, I want to sell Bibles for you. OK, youre hired. Heres your kit; go sell!

The second came in and said, I want to sell Bibles for you. OK, youre hired!
Heres your kit; go sell!

The third came in and said, I- i – I wa – wa- wa-want t-t-t-t-to s-s-s-s-ell to sell, to sell, to sell, Bi – bi – bi –
Bibles, sell Bi -Bibles f-f-f-fo-for y-y-y-y you Bibles for you!

"No, I am terribly sorry" says the man, this will never work! You cant sell Bibles
for me!
The applicant replied, B-b-b-b-but I r-r-r-eall, but I
really, really, n-n-n-n-need th-th-th-this, really need tthis job!

As there were no other applicants and he felt sorry for him, the man said, OK, Ill give you
one shot at this!"

At the end of the day, the first applicant comes back and reports, I sold 8 Bibles today. The second reports: I sold 11 Bibles
today. The third worker reports, To-to-to-to t-t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I so-, I so- I sold 28 Bi- bi- b- bibles!
"Wow," says the boss. "Thats
incredible, however, I want you to sell even more Bibles tomorrow."

At the end of the next day, the first worker comes in and reports, Today, I sold 32 Bibles. The second worker reports, I sold 44
Bibles today The third worker reports, To-to-to t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I sold 79 Bi-bi-bi- sold 79, sold 79 Bibles.

Fantastic, said the boss. Getting curious how he can make such great sales
with his speaking problem, he asks him what his sales technique is.
I-i-I j-j-j-j-ju-ju-ju-just wa, wa, wa, just wal- wa- wa- walk, just walk
up to up to up to just walk up to them and and ask, them and ask, them and ask if th-th-th-th ask if they w-w-w-w-w- wa- ask if they
want t-t-t-t-o-o- if they want to b–b-b-b-b if they want to buy a Bi-bi – want to buy a Bi–b–a – a- abi – buy a to buy a
Bi-bi-bible, or d-d-d-d-d do th-th-they do they w-w-w-ant me to ***READ*** it to em?

There are more jokes like this at http://humorshack.com

Llegan un hindú, un judío y un argentino a un hotel de un pueblito y piden un cuarto para tres.

Sólo me queda un cuarto, que es para dos, pero si no les incomoda, tengo espacio en el establo para uno se duerma ahí.

Los tres individuos deciden tomar el cuarto y en eso dice el hindú: Si quieren, yo me voy a dormir al establo y ustedes duermen en el cuarto.

A los cinco minutos tocan a la puerta del cuarto:

¿Quién es?

Soy el hindú, lo que pasa es que en el establo hay una vaca, y como es un animal sagrado para nosotros, no puedo dormir donde duerme una vaca.

En eso, el judío dice: No se preocupen, si quieren, yo me duermo en el establo.

A los cinco minutos tocan a la puerta del cuarto: ¿Quién es?

Soy el judío, lo que pasa es que en el establo hay un cerdo, y es un animal desagradable para nosotros, no puedo dormir donde duerme un cerdo.

En eso, el argentino dice: No se preocupen, yo me ire a dormir al establo.

A los cinco minutos tocan a la puerta: ¿Quién es?

Somos la vaca y el cerdo.

This guy walks into a small town bar and orders a drink from the bartender.



The bartender delivers his drink and shouts out to the bar patrons 46!! Everyone starts to laugh- Again he shouts out 39!! Now the patrons are getting even louder in laughing- Lastly, he shouts 14!! Now, people are wiping tears from their eyes from all the laughing.



The visitor is curious, so he asks the bartender What is going on?



The bartender says This is a small town, with small impressionable children, and so we had decided to put numbers to our naughty jokes rather than tell them in full



The visitor is astounded Let me try!! he says- So he shouts 46!! Nothing happens 39!! Still nothing. 14!! and yet still not a sound from the patrons.



The visitor says to the bartender I dont understand. I used exactly the same numbers you did and got a completely opposite response.



The bartender replied, Well, some folks can tell a joke……. and some folks cant

Glory may be fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

The ship was going down.

The captain and the crew were trying – in the middle of a terrible mid-Atlantic winter storm – to get the lifeboat out.

We can hope for nothing but Divine intervention, cried the captain.

Does anyone know how to pray?

No answer.

After a few seconds of silence, the cabin boy timidly spoke up. Maybe I can help. I used to live next to a church.

The captain ordered everyone to their knees. The boy began. Under the B, two. Under the I, 16.

(What with all the talk about Mormon jokes heres a REAL MORMON JOKE!
At last!)

A woman visiting Salt Lake City in the latter half of the 18th century
sees someone that she thinks may be Brigham Young, the leader of the
Mormon church.

Woman: Are you Brigham Young?

Brigham Young: I am.

Woman: Are you the Brigham Young that is the head of the Mormon
church?

Brigham Young: I am.

Woman: Are you the Brigham Young that led the Mormons to Utah?

Brigham Young: I am.

Woman: Are you the Brigham Young that denounces all Christian
religions as false except Mormonism?

Brigham Young: I am.

About this time, the woman is beginning to lose her temper.

Woman: Are you the Brigham Young who preaches polygamy?

Brigham Young: I am.

Now shes really getting mad.

Woman: Are you the Brigham Young who has 26 wives?

Brigham Young: I am.

Then furiously, she says –

Woman: You ought to be Hung!

Brigham Young: I am.

Peter Mroz, General Electric

A grasshopper jumps into a sleazy little bar, makes his way onto a stool and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says Hey, we got a drink named after you! The grasshopper smiles surprisedly, and says You really got a drink named Bob???

GOP leaders have returned from that bash in Palm Beach for donors of
$175,000, says Hamilton. Last Year, Congress promised to do something
about special-interest contributions. What they have decided to do is
deposit them.

This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.