Old and New Jokes

A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he
just cleaned the whole house.

A man walking along a California beach stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it, and out popped a genie.

The genie said, Ok, Ok. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the fourth time this month! Im getting a little sick of three wishes, so you can forget about it. You only get one wish!

The man thought, and said, Ive always wanted to go to Hawaii, but Im scared to fly and I get seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive there?

The genie said, Thats impossible. Think of the logistics! How would the supports reach the bottom the Pacific? Think of how much concrete and steel! No, think of another wish.

The man said OK and though hard.

Finally, he said, Ive been married and divorced four times. My wives always said I dont care and that Im insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women… know how they feel inside and what theyre thinking when they give me the silent treatment… know why theyre crying, what they really want when they say nothing… know how to make them truly happy…

The genie said, You want that bridge two lanes or four?

Why are men like commercials?

You cant believe a word they say.

Put bifocals on. Double check that youre with the right partner.
Set alarm on your clock for 2 minutes … in case you doze off in the middle.
Set the mood with lighting. Turn em ALL OFF!
Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin … just in case!
Write partners name on your hand in case you cant remember what to scream out at the end.

A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriffs office and said, Youve got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens.What do you want me to do? asked the sheriff.I dont care, just do something about those drivers!So the next day he had the county workers go out and erect a sign that said:SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSINGThree days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, Youve got to do something about these drivers. The school crossing sign seems to make them go faster.So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAYAnd that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called and called everyday for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?The sheriff told him, Sure thing, put up your own sign. He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer.Three weeks after the farmers last call, the sheriff decided to call him. Hows the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. Ive got to go. Im very busy. And he hung up the phone.The sheriff thought to himself, Id better go to that farmers house and look at that sign… There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers.So the sheriff drove out to the farmers house, and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters were the words:SLOW: NUDIST COLONY

Beer and the quotes it has helped create over the years…

I feel sorry for people who dont drink. When they wake up in the

morning, thats as good as theyre going to feel all day.

–Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they arent drunk, theyre sober.

–William Butler Yeats

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.

–Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said youd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

–Ernest Hemingway

Youre not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

–Dean Martin

Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you cant say it.

–Anonymous

No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness – or as good as drink.

–G.K. Chesterton

Time is never wasted when youre wasted all the time.

–Catherine Zandonella

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.

–Ambrose Bierce

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.

–Anonymous

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls.

— Ross Levy

A woman drove me to drink and I didnt even have the decency to

thank her.

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?

–W.C. Fields

Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.

–Anonymous

If God had intended us to drinkbeer, He would have given us stomachs.

–David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

–Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

–Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.

–Michelle Mastrolacasa

Id rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.

–Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

–Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.

When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.

When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.

Sooooo, lets all get drunk, and go to heaven…

–Brian ORourke

You cant be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline – it

helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.

–Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol

has taken out of me.

–Winston Churchill

He was a wise man who invented beer.

–Plato

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

–Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

–Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

–Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.

–Humphrey Bogart

Why is Australian beer served cold?

So you can tell it from urine.

–David Moulton

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.

–Kaiser Wilhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.

–Homer Simpson

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and

oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital

ingredient in beer.

I drink to make other people interesting.

–George Jean Nathan

All right, brain, I dont like you and you dont like me – so lets just do this and Ill get back to killing you with beer.

–Homer Simpson

A man walked into a bar and sat down at a table with a bowl of peanuts on it.Wow, youre really good looking, I bet you get lots of girls! You look really successful, too… you must be rich! Youre so handsome and funny and all around great! complimented the peanuts.Thinking this was kinda strange, the man went over to the cigarette machine to buy a pack.He jumped back in surprise when the machine said to him. Woah, man, are you ugly?! Ive never seen a more sad, gross, ugly little man in my life! Whered you get those clothes, the dump?! Youre pathetic!Quite alarmed now, the man walked over to the barman and asked what was going on with the peanuts and the cigarette machine. The barman replied,Well, the peanuts are complimentary, but the machines right out of order.

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jacks van and
headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible
blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who
answered the door if they could spend the night.

I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to
myself, but Im recently widowed, she explained. Im afraid the neighbors will
talk if I let you stay in my house.

Dont worry, Jack said. Well be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the
weather breaks, well be gone at first light.

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for
the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, they got on their way and enjoyed a great
weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took
him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from
the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?

Yes, I do.

Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay
her a visit?

Yes, Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. I have to admit
that I did.

And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?

Bobs face turned red and he said, Yeah, sorry, buddy. Im afraid I did. Why do
you ask?

She just died and left me everything.

1. No es palo pero le dicen garrote.

2. No piensa pero tiene cabeza.

3. No tiene piernas pero se para.

4. No es indecente pero escupe.

5. No es resorte pero se estira y se encoge.

6. No es ave pero le dicen paloma.

7. No es bonito pero les encanta a las mujeres.

8. No es telón pero se sube en el acto y se baja al terminar.

9. No es vaca pero da leche.

10. No es telescopio pero hace ver estrellas.

11. No es sonámbulo pero se levanta de noche.

12. No es caballero pero se para ante las damas.

13. No comete delitos pero es muy perseguido.

14. No es analgésico pero sirve de calmante.

15. No es instrumento pero le dicen órgano.

16. No es instrumento pero le dicen flauta.

17. No es palmera pero tiene cocos.

18. No es soldado pero igual ataca por delante que por detrás.

19. No es talquera pero echa polvos.

20. No es melcocha pero todas se mueren por chuparlo.

21. No es droga pero las pone en trance.

22. No es brujo pero encanta a las mujeres.

23. No es cuchillo pero abre heridas que no cierran nunca.

24. No es brusco pero hace llorar.

25. No es caballo pero se le montan encima.

26. No es vampiro pero vive colgado.

27. No es gallina pero tiene huevos.

28. No es bailarín pero se menea sabroso.

29. No es nave espacial pero lleva a otros planetas.

30. No pertenece a ningún club pero le llaman miembro.

31. No es atractivo pero a todas les gusta.

32. No es marciano pero tiene un solo ojo.

33. No es bombero pero tiene casco.

34. No es luchador pero a veces usa máscara y capa.

35. No es instrumento pero le encanta que lo toquen.

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.

Congress said, Someone may steal from it at night. So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.



Then Congress said, How does the watchman do his job without instruction? So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.



Then Congress said, How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly? So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.



Then Congress said, How are these people going to get paid? So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.



Then Congress said, Who will be accountable for all of these people? So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.



Then Congress said, We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost. So they laid off the night watchman.