Old and New Jokes

The young Indian boy had spent most of his life in a quandry… He felt different yet… couldnt figure why… he was just so depressed. He went to the Chief for answers… He asked the chief how his brother Red Deer Running had gotten his name…

The chief answered in his typically poetic way…When Red Deer Running was born, at the moment of his birth, the first thing his mother saw was a beautiful deer running off into the forest… and so Running Deer was named. It is the custom of our tribe to name the offspring according to the spirits in nature visiting upon the birth.

Then, the boy said to the Chief… And how did my sister Thundering Bird get her name? The chief described again, how at the moment of her birth Thundering Birds mother had heard a roar of thunder and looking up, saw a bird flying in the sky…

The boy asked again, how his cousin White Crouching Bear had been given such a name… And the chief, looking down once more at the boy, explaining the traditions of their tribe…. White Bears mother had seen a rare white bear crouched over a stream at the moment her babys birth. Then he asked the boy…

Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?

Capitalism, Socialism, and Communism have a meeting for tea at noon.

Capitalism and Communism arrive on time, but Socialism is nowhere to be found. Finally he arrives, out of breath and apologetic.

Im sorry, says Socialism, I was standing in line for sausage.

Capitalism says – Whats a line?

And Communism says – Whats a sausage?

What is the difference between Northern and Southern racism?

A southern racist doesnt mind blacks living nearby, as long as they
dont get uppity.

A northern racist doesnt mind blacks getting uppity as long as they
dont live close.

Reminds me of the woman who goes to her gynecologist and complains of a pain in her averies.

Dont you mean ovaries ? the doc says.

No she says.

We had better have a look says doc. After a minute of peering, doc says Youre right, It looks like theres been a cockatoo up there

Una viejita fue a visitar al doctor y le dijo:

Doctor, tengo este tremendo problema de gases, pero no me molesta mucho. Mis peditos nunca huelen y siempre son muy calladitos. ¡Pero, lo he estado haciendo muy seguido!

El doctor le pidió que le explicara con más detalle y la viejita contesto:

De hecho, ya me he tirado 20 peditos en su oficina desde que entré por la puerta. Usted probablemente no se ha dado cuenta por que no huelen ni suenan.

El doctor le contesta, ya veo, tómese estas pastillas y no vemos la próxima semana.

A la semana siguiente la viejita regresa y le dice, ¡doctor, yo no se que diablos me dio usted! Mis pedos continúan siendo silenciosos pero ahora huelen terrible, me quiero vomitar del asco.

A lo que el doctor le contesta, ¡Que bueno! ¡Ahora que ya le curamos la sinusitis, concentremos en la infección de sus oídos!

May you live as long as you want to,

and want to as long as you live.

Horace Feebilmeind, the oldest man in the state, decides to visit a prostitute
on his 105th birthday.

He calls an agency which promises to send over the most beautiful woman they
have. He strips in anticipation, and the doorbell rings. He opens the door to
find a tall, svelte, stacked red-head standing there. She takes one look,
snorts, and says, Ill tell ya, old man! Youve had it!

He thinks for a moment and then says, Okay. How much do I owe you?

What a mother once told her teenage daughter about how it felt to have a baby:

Its kinda like trying to pass a watermelon through a keyhole.

When a young hot-shot conductor was making his debut at the Met, he showed the jaded and skeptical orchestra how well he knew the music by singing all parts of the Lucia sextet during rehearsal.

Afterwards, one musician was overheard whispering to the other, impressed, Well, this kid really knows his stuff!

The other replied, *I* dont think he is so hot – did you notice how flat his high E was at the end?

You know youre not a kid anymore when…

Youre asleep, but others worry that youre dead.

You can live without sex, but not without glasses.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age…and isnt breaking any laws.

You call Olan Mills before they call you.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You make an appointment to see the dentist.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

Neighbors borrow your tools.

People call at 9 pm and ask, did i wake you?

You have dreams about prunes.

You answer a question with because i said so!

You send money to PBS.

The end of your tie doesnt come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You wear black socks with sandals.

You know what the word equity means.

You cant remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You talk about good grass and youre refering to someones lawn.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You got cable for the weather channel. (uncle calls the weather channel old folks MTV.

You go bowling without drinking.

You have a party and the neighbors dont even realize it.