Old and New Jokes

A man goes to a shrink and says, Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larrys bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! Im going crazy. What do you think I should do? Relax, says the Doctor, take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larrys bar?

Q: Why does everyone hate a banjo right off?
A: Saves time.

Q. Did you hear about the polish coyote?
A. Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs, and was still stuck…….

Q: Why did the woman cross the road?

A: Thats not the point,whats she doing out of the kitchen?

A man driving down a deserted highway notices a sign:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILESHe thinks its a figment of his imagination and drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which says…SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
Realizing these signs are real he drives on and soon sees a
third… SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION – NEXT RIGHTHis curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the
driveway. On the side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a sign on the door that reads… SISTERS OF MERCYHe climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks, What may we do for you, my son? I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business, he answers. Very well, my son. Please follow me, says the nun. He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, Please knock on this door, and leaves. The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs: Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway. He places the money in the nuns tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut. The door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.

Once this woman walked into an adult boutique. The clerk noticed that she was shaking all over and thought that she might be ill. The woman approached the clerk and asked, D-d-d-o-o-o y-y-you sell 10 v-v-v-ibr-r-ators?

Yes we do, he answered.

She then asks, Are th-th-th-ey 6 around and made b-b-by Acme adult nov-v-v-el-el-ties?

He again answers, Yes we do sell that model.

The woman looks relieved and exclaims, We-e-ell how d-d-o-o-o you turn th-th-the damn thing off!?!?!

4 Doctors were talking shop one day…



An Israeli doctor said, Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks.



A German doctor said Thats nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks.



A Russian doctor said, In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks.



The American doctor, not to be outdone, said Hah!

We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day!

The Rabbi rose with a red face and said, Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the KKK. This is a horrible lie and one which a Jewish community cannot tolerate! I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and our Jewish community.

No one moved.

The Rabbi continued, Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and ! in your heart you will feel relief. Now stand and confess your transgression!

Again all was quiet.

Slowly a drop dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop, rose in the third pew. Her head was


bowed, and her voice quivered as she spoke.

Rabbi, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan. I just told a couple of friends that you were a wizard under the sheets…

…and then they all had tea.

A Jewish anthropologist, Benny Steinfeld, was working in the desert near Israel when he happened upon an odd looking vase. After cleaning it he pried open the lid and was astonished when a genie sprang from the container and granted him 3 wishes. Steinfeld wished for enormous wealth, huge land holdings and a bevy of beautiful wives. All wishes were granted, but on one condition. Never again in his life could the anthropologist get a haircut or shave. To do so would mean instant imprisonment in the same urn in which the genie had been imprisoned. All went well during the first few years of his lavish lifestyle, but his beard and long hair became more and more of a problem. One day, during a moment of weakness and desperation he ran to the bathroom, grabbed some scissors and began cutting off his beard. Immediately his fortunes vanished, and he found himself trapped in the urn lying in the desert sand. The moral of this story? A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.

Snow White saw Pinocchio through the woods, so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back and then sat on his face crying, Lie to me! Lie to me!

And Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in the divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, You say here that your wife is crazy?
Mickey replied, No I didnt. I said she is f***ing Goofy.