Old and New Jokes

Staggering in from their tenth anniversary dinner, the drunken husband collapsed in a chair and let out an enormous belch.

Thats it George! Ive had it this time. his wife screamed. Im cutting you off forever.



Thats impossible, he replied, you dont even know where Im getting it.

Due to budget constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees traveling on official business. The policies are effective immediately.

Transportation: Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transportation is strictly encouraged. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on company business trips. Bus service will be another prime method of transportation. Airline tickets will only be authorized for purchase in extreme circumstances, and only the lower fares will be used. If, for example, a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.

Lodging: All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends while on company business. If weather permits, public areas such as parks and parking lots should be used as temporary lodging. Bridges may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.

Meals: Meals expense are cut to the absolute minimum. It should be noted that some grocery chains provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals may be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also become familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available enroute to their destination. If restaurants must be utilized, travels should seek places offering all you can eat salad bars. This will be especially cost effective for employees traveling together, as a single plate could be used to feed an entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food while on company business. Cans of tuna, Spam, Pork-N-Beans, etc. can be conveniently consumed at your leisure without the unnecessary bother of heating or other costly preparation.

Entertainment: Entertainment while traveling is strictly discouraged. If such extravagances are required on customer contracts, the customer should be encouraged top pick up the tab. Such action will save the company money, and will convince the customers that we are concerned about providing a good product, not spending money on useless frivolities. The hospitality provided to customers who will visit our facilities should also be tasteful, yet cost effective. In lieu of extravagant dinners, a picnic bench will be provided in the parking lot, next to the dumpster, and a garden hose will be made available so that liquid refreshment can be furnished to our guests.

Miscellaneous: All employees are encouraged to employ innovative techniques in our team effort to save corporate dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that the money raised during airport layover periods could be used to defray travel costs. In support of this idea, Red Caps will be issued to all departing employees. Tips can be earned by helping others with their luggage. Also, when you are in a restaurant dont forget to pick up little things like packs of sugar and packaged condiments for our company cafeteria.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Wine!
Wine who?
Wine dont you like these jokes!

How can you tell if a mans playing around?

He sends you love notes that are photocopied and begin with the line, To whom it may concern…

Are you management material? Do you have what it takes to be an effective manager in corporate America?

Take this quiz and find out. The brief quiz below includes four questions and indicates whether you are qualified to be a manager in your employers company. The questions are not that difficult.

How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, insert the giraffe, and close the door.

(This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.)

How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Wrong answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator door.

Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, insert the elephant, and close the door.

(This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.)

The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct answer: The elephant.

(The elephant is in the refrigerator. This question tests your memory.)

OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your management abilities.

There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?

Correct answer: You swim across.

(All of the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.)

According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, about 90% of current corporate managers they tested answered all of questions incorrectly.

Dear son,

Im writing this letter slow cause i know you cant read fast.

We dont live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper where most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put your shirts in it, I pulled the chain, and havent seen them since.

It only rained twice this week. Three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send you? Your Aunt Maybelle said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them big heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home saying that if we dont make the last payment on grandmas funeral bill, up she comes.

Your Uncle Luke fell in to the whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off bravely so he could drown. He burned for 3 days after we cremated him.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup, Arlo was driving and Joe Bob and Elmo were in the back. Arlo got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned, they could not get the tail-gate down.

Not much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened. Write more later.

Love, Mom

Ever notice how a 4-year-olds voice is louder than 200 adult voices?

Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karen, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night.

The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please dont sleep with Mom that night. They said O.K.

After my next trip several weeks later, Karen and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my planes arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.

As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, Hi, Dad! Ive got some good news!

As I waved back, I said loudly, What is the good news?

The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time! Alex shouted.

The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.

Online computer users may engage in what is affectionately known as cybersex. Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through internet phone lines get pretty raunchy However, as youll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesnt seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he does……………..



Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?



Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, Im toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?



Wellhung: Im 63 and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from WalMart. Im also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner… it smells funny.



Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?



Wellhung: OK…sure.



Sweetheart: Were in my bedroom. Theres soft music playing on the stereo, and there are candles on my dresser and night table. Im looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.



Wellhung: Im gulping. Im beginning to sweat.



Sweetheart: Im pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest. Wellhung: Now Im unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling. Sweetheart: Im moaning softly.



Wellhung: Im taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.



Sweetheart: Im throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. Im rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.



Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. Im sorry.



Sweetheart: Thats OK, it wasnt really too expensive.



Wellhung: Ill pay for it.



Sweetheart: Dont worry about it. Im wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breathe harder and harder.



Wellhung: Im fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think its stuck. Do you have any scissors?



Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. Im reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.



Wellhung: How did you do that? Im picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.



Sweetheart: Im arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.



Wellhung: Im dropping the bra. Now Im licking your, you know…breasts. Theyre neat!



Sweetheart: Im running my fingers through your hair. Now Im nibbling your ear.



Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.



Sweetheart: What??



Wellhung: Im so sorry. Really.



Sweetheart: Im wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.



Wellhung: Im taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.



Sweetheart: OK. Im pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.



Wellhung: Im screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold!! Yeeeee!!!



Sweetheart: Im pulling up my miniskirt. Taking off my panties.



Wellhung: Im pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on your…ummm….. wait a minute.



Sweetheart: Whats the matter?



Wellhung: Ive got a pubic hair caught in my throat. Im choking.



Sweetheart: Are you OK ?



Wellhung: Im having a coughing fit. Im turning all red.



Sweetheart: Can I help?



Wellhung: Im running to the kitchen, choking wildly. Im fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?



Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.



Wellhung: Im drinking a cup of water. There, thats better.



Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.



Wellhung: Im washing the cup now.



Sweetheart: Im on the bed arching for you.



Wellhung: Im drying the cup. Now, Im putting it back in the cabinet, and now Im walking back to the bedroom. Wait, its dark, Im lost. Wheres the bedroom?



Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.



Wellhung: I found it.



Sweetheart: Im tugging off your pants. Im moaning. I want you so = badly.



Wellhung: Me too.



Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately – our naked = bodies pressing against each other



Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.



Sweetheart: Why dont you take off your glasses?



Wellhung: OK, but I cant see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table



Sweetheart: Im bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby !



Wellhung: I have to pee. Im fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.



Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.



Wellhung: I find the bathroom and its dark. Im feeling around for the toilet, I lift the lid.



Sweetheart: Im waiting eagerly for your return.



Wellhung: Im done going. Im feeling around for the flush handle, but I cant find it. Uh-oh!!



Sweetheart: Whats the matter now ?



Wellhung: Ive just realized that Ive peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. Im walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.



Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.



Wellhung: OK, now Im going to put my…. you know… thing…in your…you know… womans thing.



Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!!



Wellhung: Im touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I have a little trouble here.



Sweetheart: Im moving my butt back and forth, moaning. I cant stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!!



Wellhung: Im flaccid.



Sweetheart: What?



Wellhung: Im limp. I cant sustain an erection.



Sweetheart: Im standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.



Wellhung: Im shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. Im going to get my glasses and see whats wrong.



Sweetheart: No, never mind. Im getting dressed. Im putting on my underwear. Now Im putting on my wet, nasty blouse.



Wellhung: No, wait! Now Im squinting, trying to find the night table. Im feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.



Sweetheart: Im buttoning my blouse. Now Im putting on my shoes.



Wellhung: Ive found my glasses. Im putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain in on fire! Im pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.



Sweetheart: Go to hell. Im logging off, you loser!



Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire. Oh noooooo!!

Air Force Inertia Axiom: Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness.

Once Herolal is out for a walk. He comes to a river and sees Bholaji on the opposite bank.
Yoohoo He shouts, How can I get to the other side?
Bholaji looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, You are on the other side.