Old and New Jokes

Picture yourself near a gurgling mountain stream.

Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air.

Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place.

You are in total seclusion from that place called the world.

The soothing sound of the gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

The water is clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person whose head youre holding under the water.

Look. Its the person who caused you all this stress in the first place.

What a pleasant surprise. You let them up … just for quick breath … then plop! Back under they go …

You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want.

There now … feeling better?

1. No matter how hard you try, you cant baptise cats.

2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, dont let her brush your hair.



3. If your sister hits you, dont hit her back. They always catch the second person.



4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.



5. You cant trust dogs to watch your food.



6. Dont sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.



7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.



8. You cant hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.



9. Dont wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.



10. The best place to be when youre sad is Grandpas lap.

Theorem : All numbers are equal to zero.

Proof: Suppose that a=b. Then
a = b
a^2 = ab
a^2 – b^2 = ab – b^2
(a + b)(a – b) = b(a – b)
a + b = b
a = 0

Furthermore if a + b = b, and a = b, then b + b = b, and 2b = b, which mean that 2 = 1.

Written by a Viet Nam Vet

GOD BLESS AMERICA!

In Memory of The Twin Towers

Warning song to Osama bin Laden

(the tune of Rawhide)

The devil came from nowhere

He attacked us from the sky.

He bloodied up our nation

didnt give a reason why.

Now hes placed a spear in our eye

said its done it Allahs name

So Gods coming lookin for him

And hes got himself to blame.

No more runnin, no more hiding, theres no place for you to go

For the wrath of God is coming and he isnt movin slow.

You defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought

And the world is coming for you now with everything its got.

Just go hidin in your hills

Youll be buried in your caves.

Youll get what youve got comin now

For being Satans slaves.

Youve woke the sleeping giant

From his legendary sleep

Now with open roar like lions

Theres one promise he will keep

No more runnin, no more hiding, theres no place for you to go

For the wrath of God is coming and he isnt movin slow.

Youve defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought

And the world is coming for you now with everything its got.

So dont close your eyes a moment

Cause you surely see death there.

Dont waste your time in moanin

You just havent got a prayer.

You chose to terrify the world

with your sensely killing spree

Brought violence into our lives

Placed hate inside of me.

No more runnin, no more hiding, theres no place for you to go

For the wrath of God is coming and he isnt movin slow.

Youve defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought

And the world is coming for you now with everything its got.

In this peaceful loving Nation

Home of brave and of the free

All are calling up your number

over land and over sea

We have seen the vileness in your soul

the horrors you create

Now this angry nations coming

look around were at your gate

No more runnin, no more hiding, theres no place for you to go

For the wrath of God is coming and he isnt movin slow.

Youve defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought

And the world is coming for you now with everything its got.

Yes this world is coming for you now (Pause) with everything its got.

…when he stumbles Upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, “Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so much better!” The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, “Elephant my
friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so good!” The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up… “Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!” The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the crap out of the little rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, “Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!” The lion answers, “That little bastard makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he’s on ecstasy!”

Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more? Doctor: Sell!

One time, Mark Bookspan accidentally shot himself in the stomach while hunting and peed blood for a week.

Dear Sir:

Previous records indicate that you hold shares in the follwing companies: Continental Can Co., Western Water CO., Northern Tissue Co., and Interstate Gas Co.

Because of uncertain market conditions at the time, we recommend that you sit tight on the Continental Can, hold your water, and let your gas go. You will be interested to know that today, Northern Tissue touched a new bottom and thousands were wiped clean.

Yours truly,

Squatt & Leavitt

Yo mama so fat shes got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!

Modem – What you did to your fields last July